Jennifer’s Q:
Kim, Can you help me? I mother of 7 must know a bit about potty training. I have my first DD who is almost 3 (in about 5 weeks). She knows how to use the potty, wipe, flush and clean up after herself. However, no incentive will get her to go on her own. She doesnt even mind sitting in poop. Which is odd because I have always been quick to change her. I have tried chocolate, using a doll that wets, a wrapped present as an incentive to stay dry and on and on. My mother says that she just doesnt seem to care, she can do it, but feels no reason to. I am at my whits end with training right now. I have also tried taking away a priviledge or two, but that hasnt worked either. Do you have any ideas? Jennifer
My A:
Nearly 3yo is a little late, but not too unusual. Your daughter just may not have the maturity for potty training yet. We did have 1 child who didn’t see the need for toilets until long after she understood the use for toilets. Like your daughter, ours was content to run around in soiled pants until somebody else noticed.
When we were sure that she understood the requirements, we made it a discipline issue for her. Accidents were acceptable but had to be reported and cleaned up immediately – if not, she got swatted. Firmly.
Once she realized that her play time came to an abrupt break whether or not she actually used the toilet for her business, our daughter was much more motivated to use the toilet. She found that using the toilet was faster than using her pants, finding Mom to file an accident report, and cleaning up the aftermath to the best of her 3.5yo abilities.
When one of my younger siblings wasn’t reliably toilet trained at a reasonable age, he found that he missed out on some fun outings. Not as punishment, mind you. Simple, natural consequences. If you can’t be counted upon to use the bathroom, how can you go with your other sisters and brothers on a weekend camping trip, or to Bigname Theme Park? He missed one really exciting outing, and suddenly became more motivated to use the toilet.
That’s my answer. What’s yours?
Have you ever tried, instead of cleanning up the poop in her pants with wipes, taking her to the bath and using cold water to “clean up all that dirty poo”? My friend tried this with her daughter who was about the same age, she explained she was too old for laying down and getting cleaned up with wipes and it took her two times in the bath before she realized she would rather in the toilet. My son, he liked the cold water, so I stopped
Every child is unique! Blessings!
Since Kim asked I wanted to add my experiences, and hope it will encourage you.
All of my children first showed an interest in using the toilet around 18 months, (about a week and then ‘been there, done that’) yet were not fully potty trained until closer to 3. (3.2, 2.10, and 3.4). The last one was my first to do everything else, but with her more cautious personality was just not emtionally ready for this. We tried a few different ideas, but a no pressure approach is how we prefer to do the potty-thing. One day she woke up and said “I want to wear underwear today.” She’s had a couple of accidents since then but that’s normal. It was never a battle of wills, just helping her listen to her body’s cues and building confidence.
And with my 4th being another boy I’m sure we’ll have yet another completely different scenario.
Kiddo #5 (at 2 3/4)had decided that using the potty was interfering with his playtime too much. I had been previously rewarding him with jelly beans every time he went until I knew he was daytime trained. So when he regressed we told him that big boys who refused to use the potty didn’t get any sweets for the rest of the day: no cookies, candy, jam on sandwiches, syrup on a pancake, desserts, nada. We didn’t do this for true “accidents” where he was really trying to get there or was too far from a potty but if we saw a pattern going we took the sweets away for a day. It improved his performance very fast! He even started staying dry at most naps and some overnight.
-kathryn
I’m only the mom of one, but we had a similar problem with our 2 1/2 yo dd. She would use her potty as long as we took her. But if she had to go between mama/daddy-initiated trips, she just went in her diaper/Pull-Up. Arrgh! I finally resorted to about a week of pants-less days. She would just wear play dresses or long t-shirts and a bare bum. For some reason, she was really afraid of having an accident without something there to catch everything. I hope you find the trick that works for you!
I was so glad to see this topic. We have two and a half year old twin boys. I’ve got one who is accident-free, takes himself, etc. The other one stays dry, as long as I take him regularly. But he WILL NOT poop in the potty. It’s not fear, he just doesn’t see the need to be bothered. After THREE MONTHS of cleaning up after him (he tends to play in it if I don’t catch it right away), we went back to a pull-up. I told him he couldn’t wear underwear until he quit pooping in his pants. Then I bought his brother some cool underwear and started rewarding him with a cookie for poop in the potty. Still no success. My days are less stressful because of less mess, but no more successful. He hates being pulled away from his toys to clean up, but it doesn’t seem to deter him. I’m guessing he’s just not ready. When he comes to tell me what he did, he usually says, “poop potty.” Do you think a child at his age would understand the removal of fun outings? We don’t go many places besides the grocery store anyway.
And we take away toys when they fight over them, which is alot, so that’s not a big deal. They’re still young enough to forget them quickly. I could take away his “blankie” but I still think he’s a bit young to traumatize that way. Any other suggestions? Am I being too easy on him? (Yes, we’ve tried cold showers, spankings, etc. No dice.)
Our first daughter was 3 1/2, I know it sounds late – I think it might run in the family (my nieces were late too). She didn’t mind sitting in a wet or dirty diaper. She was our only in daycare (I’m ducking now), and the daycare workers were amazed at how long she’d sit in a dirty diaper. Our other 2 (girl and boy) didn’t mind the wet or dirty diapers either. However, we did do a bath with our first daughter. She did not like it at all! It wasn’t cold water just normal temp. I think it takes time then sometimes gentle discipline. We also did a bye-bye diaper party (it worked for my friend’s kids). Good luck! My big “failure” feeling as a parent is potty training but EVERY kid is different
Jennifer
My daughter was 3.5 and my son was 3.2. I never thought I would see the end of diapers/pull ups. We tried putting the portable potty in the play room w/ them to get them used to seeing it and to have them know that they could still be near their toys and stay dry/clean. That worked for a day or two
Finally when THEY were ready it only took my daughter 3 weeks of going potty to be ready for panties all day/night. She still had accidents but most were our faults as we gave her water and sent her to bed (I know what were we thinking). My son was a different story…I thought he was going to get married in diapers…but yet again when he decided he was ready he was in underwear 24/7 in just one week and has yet to have a bed wetting accident. To me I think the pressure for a 2 year old to be fully potty trained is overwhelming if the child isnt ready…if you think about it ..who are you really training? The child isnt being trained..they are getting frustrated w/ interrupted play or shopping time…you in turn are frustrated w/ the lack of success…you are the one running them to the bathroom every 10 minutes or so in hopes of avoiding an “accident”. To tramatize a child w/ cold water and removal of security items will do nothing more than have that child regress and may have them end up flat out refusing to cooperate. I know how frustrating it is to still be buying diapers when friends kids the same age and younger are getting panties/underwear….however, I wouldnt change a thing on the timing of my childrens decision to upgrade their wardrobe 
I guess what I am trying to say is … dont stress over it..it will happen and when it does it will go smoothly and potty training is a lot easier when the child is interresting in the process…we were able to do it twice w/ no bribing or incentive..other than letting them know we were proud of them and that they were growing up.
My son is 2 and a half. He knew how to pee on the potty since he was 18 months, but kept pooping in his pants… Recently, hw went from not wanting to get anywhere close to a potty to clean all day and some nights…
#1-No diaper, no training pants, just underwear with a plastic cover (diaper at night is ok).
#2-When the child realises how disgusting it is to be ALL wet, it will be easier to convince them to go on the potty after a nap, drinking, etc. Look for when she does go pee, so try to send her on the potty before it is time.
#3-At 3 years old, she can definitely remember how yucky it is, and probably find the smell offensive… And you can always use something I told my son: “Little girls prefer boys who are potty trained because when they poop on the potty, they don’t smell bad”… That was almost a month ago, and he had only 2 accidents since, and only pee accidents… he managed to keep the poop for the potty…
#4- I reinforce all his good deeds by giving him a sticker to add to his book… at first, a sticker for every pee. When he peep all the time on the potty, I would give him a sticker if he did all his pees in the potty that day. Then, since I had such a hard time with poops, he had a tatoo for every poop, and now, he has tatoos only when he stays clean all day. He gets stickers for any good deed he makes that is out of the ordinary. A dry night? That calls for a sticker on the calendar and quite a few cheers.
I hope any of this might help you!
I won’t name names, but I think you know who you are:
I have deleted your rather caustic comment.
You are welcome to voice your opinion, but please be courteous to the other commenters.
The best potty training “method” ever is Rebecca’s, of Rebecca Writes. While I didn’t read it until after our four were already pottying like pro’s, it lines up well with our experience:
From Rebecca’s Rule Book: The Potty Training Absolutes
I admit I’m a horrible mom when it comes to potty training: with four kids under five, if they don’t actually go when I bring them to the potty, I stop bringing them. I know, terribly lazy, but I just can’t sit in the bathroom all day! Anyway, because of this my kids are training late. My son was four before he could be trusted with underwear, and my daughter, 3, is just now getting the hang of the potty. With my son, he could stay dry when he wanted to…he just didn’t care. Nothing really worked, til we started giving him pennies when he went potty. That helped, but he was fully trained within a week or so when he started getting ten pennies at one time whenever he stayed dry all day. After that, he was potty trained even through the night.
Trying the same thing with my daughter. She gets a sticker and a penny in her piggy bank every time she goes. I keep the plastic piggy bank on the back of the toilet tank, and some stickers and pennies on the high shelf in the medicine cabinet, for convenience. She still won’t poop in the potty though. She’ll “save it up” and have big messes at naptime. Go figure. Today I upped the “bribe”…I showed her one penny, next to a stack of five pennies. I told her she gets one for pee pee, but if she goes poop, she gets the whole stack of pennies. She was so excited she ran to the bathroom. She really tried this time, but wasn’t able to go. We’ll see how tomorrow goes.
So, although they like the stickers, apparently it is greed that motivates my children to potty train!
i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to be caustic or rude and ended up being both. but they a-r-e sending a wrong messege to the child. and i do think cold showers are to hard treatment on a little one, but i’ll be more carefull with the way i comment, i promise.
Thank you, Clara – glad you decided to stick around. Dissenting opinions are always welcome. We can learn from each other!
I’ll admit we did try a few cold wash-ups with one who was trained very late, but we quickly stopped when we realized it wasn’t helping.
I think maybe it could be useful with certain children in certain situations (as one commenter mentioned it quickly worked for her friend’s daughter) but would take some careful discernment.
Some children are stubborn, but many others lack confidence, control,comprehension or maturity; some just aren’t ready, even when the “law of averages” says they should be.
And your deleted comment was right in that potty-training can turn into a battle of wills. I think battles have to be chosen carefully because the parents *must* win.
Potty-training is a hard, hard battle to win. It’s so much easier if you can both stay on the same side.
Yup, I try to make it me and my kids against the Evil Poop.
I am glad to read all this. My #7 is a bit of a challenge. At 3(last week) he will sometimes tell me he wants to go peepee but even then he has often wet his pants a little. This is not a great concern to me, he is learning. I feel like he will catch on soon enough. The trick is he will ask for a diaper when he needs to make a dirty. At this point I am pretty relaxed about it. I don’t want to make a big deal of it – and I realize he will not be asking for a diaper at 10! But I will be ready anytime for him to use the potty!
But potty-trainning is all about wills… and love. It’s that phase in every childs life when they want to do things on their own, but can’t realize all the consequences yet.
Anyway, i think that SOME children that refuse to cooperate in potty-trainning are just showing their need for more attention by staying “babies”. This way parental attention is granteed and if they seem bothered by interrupting what they were doing so that one of the parents can clean them… well… who never acted on the opposite direction of one’s intention after getting what one wanted? Tip: positive reinforcement always works better than punnishment and to reinforce one child and not the other (when they are the same age) may lead the not reinforced child to feel punished and unconsciously believe that he is less loved than his sibling and to keep refusing to go on the potty.
I think the commenter had it right who said it takes a great deal of discernment and prayer! I recently told a friend to bathe the whole proces in prayer before, during and after because potty training will really reveal character flaws that we have as moms! It’s training for our children and for us.
I read Potty Training in Less than a Day and am interested in Diaper free under three. Our oldest is 3 and it has taken her six weeks to master the trade of pottying by herself for urinating and bowel movements, including dry naps and nights. I believe the biggest help was to have a friend or two to call and seek advice and prayer from in the midst of the training process. Some children will be very strong willed and not use the potty because they simply want to be in control. It is so nice to hear all the different approaches to this necessary process since there are moms with all types of children who need encouragement.
We chose not to spank over accidents, ever. Simply because it was not a character issue, but a time of training our little one to read the ready signs and to make her body act accordingly. We did make it clear that failing to make a “potty attempt” or failing to come to mom/dad right away about the accident was disobediant.
As for advice to make it work, I think what everyone has been saying is key: Find out what works for your child, and then stick with it! Pray that God would perk your ears and eyes to seeing what really urks your child about accidenting (cleaning up the mess, potty trials, being cleaned in the bath, no treats) and then stick with it. Our children, especially strong willed ones, are just waiting for us to move on to try something different when we don’t see immediate results with our new tactic. Stick with it! If you know they don’t like it, they will eventually submit.
Most importantly, pray pray pray over your words and for your child and your own heart. Remember that love hopes all things, enures all things, bears all things and believes all things. Are you communicating to your child that you are for him/her? That was my biggest struggle. I am so thankful God provided strength and patience and allowed me to see my weaknesses so I could repent to my daughter for not being for her, and then encouraging her with a sincere heart.
Blessings to you all.