Sharing among siblings; what do you think?
At a recent homeschool conference, I picked up a book called “Don’t Make Me Count to
Three!” by Ginger Plowman. In chapter 3, Drawing Out Issues of the Heart, she put forth an interesting solution to a common situation:
In the situation of siblings sharing….we wanted a solution that would be easy for them to understand and put into practice on their own. So, we came up with the rule that it is not only selfish but it is rude to take or even ask for something that someone else has until that person is obviously through with it.
Here is how the rule operates in our home. Suppose Wesley is playing with a toy. When Alex was younger, if she wanted it, she would just try to take it away. Now that she is older she might politely ask, “Wesley, may I please have that toy now?” If she attempts to take the toy, I usually respond with something like this:
“Honey, Wesley has that toy right now. Do you think he is enjoying playing with it?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Do you think it would make him happy or sad if you took it away?”
“Sad.”
“Would you delight in making your brother sad?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Do you think that it would be kind or rude for you to try to take away something that he is enjoying?”
“Rude.”
“That’s right, Alex, and love is not rude. When Wesley is through with it and puts it down, then you may ask for it.”
…This is the same behavior I would expect from adult friends or adult siblings. Look at it this way: If I were sitting across the table from you and someone handed me some pictures to look at that you, too, were interested in, would you wait until I was through to ask for them or would you ask to take them away when I had only just begun to enjoy looking at them? Most of us would agree that it would be rude to ask for them before I was finished.
Did you catch that? Ginger suggests that it’s rude to ask. And the more I think about it, the more sense it seems to make. Too often I think a child only wants what another has because the other has it. These ill-timed requests nearly always seem to have roots in covetousness, even when the request is politely done.
What do you think?
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Wow! We’ve struggled with this a lot in our house lately. This is brilliant! I’m gonna have to get that book. Thanks for sharing.
Very interesting to think about. I try to remind myself to look at behavior through the lens of ” what will this look like as adult behavior?” So good. Interesting to think about in this regard. We have taught our girls to ask, “May I have that when you are finished with it? ” “Or can I have a turn next?” Which I do as an adult.
“Can I look at those pictures after you?” I am not sure if that is right or wrong? It seems fine to me to express your desire to look at the pictures while the other person if looking at them. (in the scenario given in the book) “Oh, fun! Pictures! I’d love to look at them when you are done!”
What about property rights? Doesn’t it matter who owns the toy?
Hi Kim
I think Mrs Plowman is right on and I teach mine something akin to that rule. However, I think this is one of those rules that you will repeat over and over and over and over (etc) again until they are older and more morally mature - it’s not a case of a quick fix. A reminder and/or a natural consequence (not allowed to have the item requested) or maybe a time to sit to get self-control over “asking” would be good. I guess I’m reminding myself that these areas are not the ones to get your (my) knickers in a twist over when they don’t “get it”!
Looks like a fun book! Reminds me a bit of that Anita(?) Renfroe “Total Momsense” clip. :o)
In Him
Meredith
I have really enjoyed her book, there is also an accompanying quick glance type calendar called Wise Words for Moms by Ginger Plowman that I hang in my laundry room has specifics for behavior, heart probing, reproof, and encouragment.
Great idea. What about forced sharing? I have not done this because of a similar stance, that it’s not forced when you’re an adult. However at times I have “pressed” this issue as in “OK, you’re saying no to him over something you were not even interested in playing with, yet you’re sitting there playing with his/someone else’s K’NEX. It works both ways.” So in essence I do “force” it because then they “see the light” (that if they want to keep what they are playing with they need to share). How do you handle that one, Kim?
Shawna,
I think you’re on the same track. You’re not encouraging your children to ask for the item *now* but rather to let the other know that they would like to have it later.
T,
Many times the toy in question is “common property” - in our house, many toys are. Then property rights are not an issue.
In the case of something that belongs specifically to one child, there may be other issues to consider. If it is fragile, inappropriate for a young child, or was put away in a private place then we have other issues to address. Property rights definitely warrant consideration, but nobody is disputing who the toy belongs to. The question is *why* does another child want it right now, while another child is enjoying it? In training our children to love their neighbors as themselves, we need to address the heart issues also rather than concerning ourselves only with rights.
Jana,
When it comes to forced sharing, we certainly don’t have it all figured out, but like you we strive to get at the heart issue. *Why* is the owner saying no? Is the item in question fragile? Inappropriate? Consumable? Or is just MINE? Sometimes saying no is good stewardship; other times it’s pure selfishness. I think our job is to distinguish between the two and to help our children do the same.
I have no words of wisdom to share… I just wanted to comment and say………
I LOVE that book!!!!!! I’m about 3/4 of the way done with it right now.
I completely agree. And, I was so thrilled to see you mention this book. I was considering reading it but have seen quite a few conflicting thoughts on it. Now I am definitely interested.
Blessings!
Well, that’s genius. Is this book part of your plan to speak more gently to the children? The example from the book certainly sounds the way I would like to sound to my children.
THIS WAS BRILLIANT! My husband and I only have one child so far, but my thoughts often tend to run to the future. This is certainly one nugget of wisdom that makes 100% sense to me and I’ll store it in the back of my brain to use when the day comes! …That is, if subsequent pregnancies don’t kill all the memory brain cells first! Maybe I should just write down the name and author of that book!
kim-
I have her tape set, and I totally agree! I think that assessment is wholeheartedly correct. i have 6 kids, ages 10 and under, And I have seen that coveting spirit 1st hand. –
Mari in Indiana
hi kim!
i’m a first time poster…mom of 10.
seems to me like ted tripp says something about this in Shepherding a Child’s Heart. about the asking child being the greedy one, not the holding child being “selfish”.
it made sense to me and has worked well in our home over the years. with some perameters of course, concerning property rights, etc…
i enjoy your blog tremendously!
dawn
Dawn,
I think you are absolutely right. I love Shepherding a Child’s Heart, and the similarity is no accident. This book is subtitled, “A mom’s look at heart-oriented discipline,” and is highly recommended by Ted Tripp.
Isn’t it amazing how what’s in a child’s heart shows in their eyes? We have one in particular where looking in his eyes is like reading him like a book. For that I should be grateful, I guess, but it is disturbing to see the sin lurking there. Not a pretty sight (no pun intended). The flipside though is that it is easy to tell when his motives are pure.
In Him
Meredith
What a great way to handle a problem that we all struggle with! I am going to have to find that book!
Totally agree, and it’s a brilliant way to teach what love looks like!
That’s a good one. I must really remember that one. It’s very good.