I love coffee and it does terrible things to me. It gives me low blood pressure. Yes, low. People look at me like I have a [insert crazy item here] growing out of my [insert body part here] when I say that, so I’ll explain. Here’s how it happens:
My blood pressure runs low all the time, and especially when I am pregnant. It runs so low that on a bad day it can cause a migraine. On a good day, it approaches normal levels. Maybe this is why everyone thinks I’m so mellow and easy going? Because I’m smiling at the stars swirling around my head in pretty patterns whenever I stand up too fast?
Doctors and midwives tell me that low blood pressure is a good problem to have, except for the small regrettable detail where my head explodes from a migraine. At least I won’t be having heart trouble or a stroke when that happens.
When I drink coffee, it raises my blood pressure into the normal range of a living, non-comatose human being. My body appreciates this and readily latches onto the habit. A fourth of a cup for 2 days in a row, and I’m hooked on caffeine. I mean hooked in the sense that I roll over dead from a caffeine withdrawal headache if I don’t get my 1/4 cup fix on the third day.
I think this is because my body no longer feels a need to keep my blood pressure out of the semi-comatose migraine-range since caffeine is doing the job instead. But take away the caffeine and what do you have? Semi-comatose migraine lady, of course.
And so I learn my lesson the hard way… again. Drink decaf. (mmm…coffee…) Drink herbal tea. (mmm…coffee…) Drink cocoa. (mmm…coffee…) Never drink real coffee two days in a row. Or if you do, keep drinking it forever. For-ev-er.
By the way, just for fun, can you fill in the blanks for my crazy-head simile at the beginning of the post? Extra points for originality and good clean shock value.