10 milestones that make Mom’s life easier
At church last Sunday, I watched a mother of 4 little girls walk the 3 oldest to the bathroom in the middle of the fellowship meal. She had left the baby with me and my friend. It’s been a long time since I was the only one big enough to supervise a potty trip, and as she walked away, I was reminded of those early days of mothering.
Every potty trip for many years required my presence and assistance, and I was glad to give it because it meant that at least somebody was out of diapers. Anything that got done had to be done by me, and that was a lot. The days, weeks, months and even years passed in a blur.
When our 3rd daughter was born, our oldest was 3. I was still holding things together, but I have to admit I was a little nervous about adding a fourth to the mix. When we had 4 girls like my friend, our oldest was 4. Now I was panicked at the prospect of a fifth. When we had 5 girls our oldest was 6. At the birth of the 6th, our oldest was barely 8.
But it got easier. We survived life with 4 small children. I learned that I could not do it all by my own strength. My house was a mess and my pride was broken, but we survived by God’s grace, and nobody died because I forgot lunch or baths or didn’t mop or change sheets for - well, I won’t say just how long. I was busy brushing hair and had to prioritize.
But five children were really no harder than 4, because now I had a 6yo who could not only take care of herself, but really be an asset in helping with her sisters. Now we were on the downhill slide. When our 6th was born, we still had 4-children-4-and-under, but we had a 6yo and an 8yo! Oh, luxury!
Every new skill learned and mastered by a child added a little time to my day and helped that big sister learn to serve others around her. I found myself greatly encouraged with each new milestone. Here are 10 significant ones in the order in which they often occur in our house:
- Getting dressed without help, including choosing clothes, usually around 3yo.
- Getting a drink of water. Spilled water is no big deal; it dries on its own if necessary, and if we’re lucky the floor will be cleaner.
- Using the bathroom without help, usually at 3 1/2 or 4yo. Potty training is not a huge help, because newly trained children need as much help as those in diapers - sometimes more. But independent potty use is worth celebrating!
- Ditching the carseat. I appreciate the added safety of a carseat for babies and toddlers, but I also appreciate the added space, flexibility and freedom when they are big enough and old enough to ride without.
- Making a sandwich or pouring milk on cereal, usually around age 5. This made an incredible difference in the effect of morning sickness, since being able to stay away from food when I was nauseated was often instrumental in my ability to keep anything down.
- Changing a wet diaper. Nothing makes a girl feel more grown up than the ability to change a diaper on a real, live baby. Our girls usually start helping with this around 5 or 6.
- Helping with dishes. I mean real help - not the kind that actually makes the job take longer, though that’s nice in its own way. By age 6, children can be a net asset when it comes to dishes. After so many years of doing dishes alone, having a real helper by my side was welcome relief.
- Brushing her own hair, usually by age 6 or 7 depending on hair length, texture and thickness. She may still need help with styling, but just the ability to keep the tangles out is a huge help to Mom.
- Doing daily chores, preferably without multiple reminders. Help is nice, but independent work is even more exciting. Once I didn’t have to do at least half of every chore, my available time was doubled. Chore duty can start very early, but I find that children can become truly helpful around 6 or 7.
- Taking a younger sibling to the bathroom. This was a huge step! I didn’t enjoy restaurant meals much and I absolutely hated road trips because I spent all of my time in the bathroom and rarely even had the privilege of using it myself. Even a grocery trip could turn into a logistical nightmare. Of course the age at which this becomes appropriate depends largely upon the distance, facilities and general locale, but it usually begins around 8-10yo.
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Filed under: big family
The one I’ve celebrated most recently: the ability of my son to dig his own dead fish out of the aquarium and dispose of it himself. Fish give me the willies, dead or alive.
I am a Mom about to add #4 very soon (October 12 is EDD). I will have 4 aged 5 and under. Kim, I can’t tell you how encouraging it was to read this post this morning! Just knowing that I’m not the only one that struggles is a huge help–and I’m looking forward to all that “help” you talk about!
Thanks again–
This is so very true! I have been drowning in children for a while now, and although my children are not as close together as yours (I have 6 under 10), my oldest three are BOYS!
There is a significant difference, I believe, in the helpfulness of boys as compared to girls. They just mature so much later and really have so much less “common (read girl) sense.”
At 10,7, and 5, my boys are actually helping with chores. They are able to pick things up and put them in the right place (pick up the living room, for example). Their vision doesn’t extend very well to the details (they miss the chunk of whatever dried up food is on the floor) but they are actually helping!
I am currently teaching my DS 10 to wash and dry laundry–what freedom! I look forward to having kids who can vacuum the kitchen floor and not miss every other crumb, and who can clean the bathroom and it actually looks clean afterward, and who know how to actually fold (not crumple) laundry.
Someday, someday!
Thanks for the reminder of where I’ve been. My house is getting cleaner and I am getting some of my time and sanity back!
It’s funny, because sometimes my three year old daughter can accomplish a chore more effectively than her three older brothers (when she wants to) because she notices both the details and the whole picture!
Becky
#3 is definitely a big one.
The more independent and trainable they get, the easier it is to help them grow!
Kim, I have to say, this post really caught my eye. We have an 11yo son, 4yo dd from China (home 3 years), and 2 ds from Taiwan (home 3 months) ages 2 and 1, almost 2 and 3. I’m tired. On top of daily life and homeschooling (which has not started!) we have normal adjusting that happens with adoption, but “super” happens with international adoption. All of that to say, I’ve always thought that even though children might be older, THEY didn’t choose to have more children so it should not be their responsibility to care for those children. And it’s MY house so why should my children be forced to do more than the few things I’ve asked them to do. As our son has gotten older he’s been asked to do more, but visually grimaces. I have to say I LOVE this post. LOVE it. I have NEVER thought of older children helping younger siblings in the light of learning to serve others. Something I think we’ve missed teaching our 11yo so far. In a family that God has definitely called to international adoption I can see the importance of this virture (that’s what I’m going to call it, my brain is quite foggy right now!). Especially since dh and I know beyond a doubt that God is calling us to more. Thanks for the post.
Jeri, I have an 11 yo as well (and she is the oldest) and I’m afraid I dropped the bomb on that character building opportunity as well. Only when I started reading this blog a few years ago did I start to understand how a large family can function and not just at a basic level but really bloom and flourish. I had never heard of some of these parenting concepts- but now it seems so clear and sensible. Half the time when I’m reading a little sompin’ posted by Kim I’m sure an enlightened expression comes over me and I’ll think ‘OOHHHH. So THAT’S how that works,” or “I GET IT.” Anyway I take comfort in the belief that it’s never to late to implement a new idea to your children and that they are young and learn rather easily. Surely it is not too late even if they are over the age of five… harder but not a lost cause.
For some reason your comment moved me to encourage you in your quest to grow your family in whatever means God leads you to. It sounds like you have created a compassionate, generous, accepting home for many new little ones. Blessings and strength to you!
And I just wanted to comment on the “boy thing.” I have 5 yo boy who is SO capable and does pay tremendous attention to detail. He actually inspires me with his confidence and creativity. Each child is such a joy in his or her own way! So for all of you who have the boys I’m just saying they may have plenty of maturity or common sense and alot of it depends on their God-given personality and gifts. Apparently my youngest has been gifted with organizational skills! (and yay for me!)
This post was SO encouraging!!!
As for the comments about boys, I feel like I have sort of a unique perspective on that. I had three younger brothers, and right now I have two sons and we don’t know but the baby due in Jan - two months before my oldest turns 3yo! - might not be another boy.
I really do love my little boys. Three sounds like such an adventure to me!!!
If you had told me in my late teens, when I was ‘maid’ to my younger brothers that I would be having babies this close together and the oldest two would be boys I might have reconsidered marriage being a “dream”.
The possibility of having many children (we hope!) has given me a different mindset. I have/help my 2.5yo clean up his messes rather than cleaning up after him. I let him help me cook breakfast. I don’t want to make him a sissy, but I won’t be my sons’ slaves, either! I don’t think there is anything wrong with a guy knowing how to flip an egg or fry bacon. While I might have a daughter help more in the kitchen, I certainly don’t think it’s too much to ask a son to help out once a week.
My hope is that if Samuel & Elijah are used to picking up and know how to fry an egg, at least some of it might end up being habit as they grow into young men.
Basically, I look at my brothers, who couldn’t make a meal to keep from starving, or my wonderful, extremely helpful husband who still brings me oranges to peel because he never had to peel them growing up, and I multiply it. If I don’t want to peel oranges for a tribe of people, I come up with a plan to involve my tiny sons in some of the responsibility.
If he brings me an orange, he drags the trashcan to my feet, I get the peelings “loose” and then he pulls it off the rest of the way. After we’re done, he puts the trashcan away.
I listen to my son whine and multiply that mentally by 3 or 4 and then I nip it in the bud. I don’t “wait out” the stage (I don’t have the patience for that anyway!).
I guess when you expect to do everything every little bit helps, even if it’s diaper fectching. :p I do look forward so much to the era you describe! I watch my nieces, who are 7yo & 8yo and think of what help they could be!
As for detail, some might have to be taught. I think I had to be taught, and I’m a girl - abeit an extremely outdoorsy-type girl. I have a brother that is extremely detailed (my mom should have capitalized on it and didn’t), and my oldest son shows signs of it as well. He lines up shoes perfectly and scrubs every speck of dirt off his hands. I’m trying to walk a fine line between helping him see that the world doesn’t end with the lid off the ketchup and helping him use this for his advantage. My husband is also extremely detailed and particular with things (he’s a design engineer) so that might be where he’s getting it from!
I’m soon to buy a Dustbuster for my 2.5yo. Who am I to complain if he wants to suck up every piece of lint that wanders in?
Just some boy thoughts! God bless, ya’ll!
So very true!!
I am so thankful fir my older ones. People ask how I do it with so many but they will never know what a blessing the older ones truly are.
We reached one such milestone in our house just yesterday—DS turned on the shower for himself and adjusted the water to the right temperature! Funny how something so small can make me say with relief, “Wow!”.
I totally agree with that list except for #4. Ditching the carseat that young isn’t very safe. Our state requires kids to be in seats until they are 8 yrs old or 4′9″. Since we are short around here, my 11 yr old is still in a seat because he’s not 4′9″ yet. LOL We have 5 kids and are using 5 carseats/booster seats.
So my list would be the same except #4 would read: “Able to hook themselves into their booster seat without my help” LOL
so encouraging… just had my fifth in five years and i REALLY needed that today!
This was an incredibly helpful post! My 5th is due New Year’s Day, at which point I will have 5 children under 5! I’ve often wondered when it is reasonable to expect children to do things like this. Thanks for sharing!
I love when you share stuff like this, it really helps those of us who are still “in the trenches” with mostly little ones, know there is hope.
You mentioned having a dirty house in those years, that’s one of the things I struggle with right now, feeling like I need to get it all done perfectly. There is so much pressure on conservative, Christian women to get up before dawn, keep the house spotless, cloth diaper, grow your own veggies, grind your own flour, bake your own bread, sew your own clothes, eat on less than $20 a week, and on and on. I finally had to stop visiting many online sites and blogs because there was no way I was going to start doing all of that…excess. Right now, it’s all about surviving and thriving the best we can. But I often struggle with guilt that I don’t have my kids on a reliable homeschool schedule, my house isn’t always spotless, I don’t make my own bread, or grind my own wheat, and on and on. How do you feel about these issues? What do you think are the non-negotiables for a mom of young kids to be accomplishing?
Thanks for the perspective.
I remember too the overwhelming feelings at being pregnant with #5 and wondering how I was going to ‘do it all’. Well facts were I couldn’t do it all, I needed God’s strength and whatever didn’t get done it wasn’t the end of the world.
What I find sad is so many people decide to do something permant to prevent having anymore children after #4. It seems to be a hurdle to get over, and then like you said they older ones become helpers and it never is as hard as it was at first.
When people ask how in the world I even have the energy to be pregnant with #11, I tell them it is actually easier being pregnant and having newborns now than it was when we first started having children. I have tons of help now, older girls who can literally run the household while I rest, nurse or cuddle a baby.
Great post! I think we need to encourage those young moms who have many little ones and cannot see beyond today:) Thanks.
I so needed this. Question on the diaper part. Do you cloth? What age do you allow for that with pins? I want my daughters to but maybe not with pins. Maybe I should convert to snappis. Thanks!
Letisha,
We use disposable diapers. When I let a child change a diaper, the biggest risk I’m taking is that somebody will be caught off guard and I’ll have to clean up the aftermath. :p
The help is worth it to me, and I just love hearing the older ones tell their siblings, “Hey! I used to change your diapers little miss!”
I always wonder why homeschool conferences don’t offer workshops on surviving “these days.” I meet these families of 12 and attend their workshops for “getting it all done” and “organizing the chaos of large families,” but all of them have teenagers, some even young adults, to help in it all. I have six that are six and under, and some days I don’t know how I am going to make it through!! We are in the training steps of chores, and reminding and talking them through it sometimes takes even more time than doing it myself. Thank you for this post and the encouragement it offers. I have printed it so that I can post it in my home as a reminder!
Yeah, getting to #5 has made a huge difference around here! I now have a cleaning and cooking team made up of my almost eight-year-old, my six-year-old, and my four-year-old (the three oldest at our house). They can do floors, clean their bathroom, fold laundry, scrub potatoes, peel eggs, make smoothies, etc. What a blessing . . . for our family and their future families!
Thanks for mentioning ´the downhill slide´! That really gives words to an encouraging thing that´s in store and helps to keep perspective :-)!
Ah yes, that time period when potty training is way more time consuming than changing diapers ever was, and I had two at once in diapers. We have a daily list posted of things that must be accomplished by each child. My hubby calls it the “nag-free” list… if you do your list, mom won’t nag at you.
I’m glad to see that someone else commented on the carseat/booster issue. The American Academy of Pediatrics reccomends using a 5-point harness until 40 lbs. and a booster until 4 ft. 9 in. Our 11 year-old is still in a booster because he’s still got three inches or so to go. Our 9 year-old on the other hand is 2 inches over so he’s moved out of his. I’ve had some rather annoyed five and six year olds when they ride in our van as a guest and have to sit in a booster seat!! I’m passionate about this topic as we had a rollover wreck (flipped three times) two years ago in which all my children were saved because they were restrained properly! If they hadn’t been they’d probably have been thrown out of the car!!
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