Any advice?
I’m writing a story. And I would like to write it well. I’m giving the prologue and the first chapter. I would really like advice on how to improve it.
Prologue
Phillip stared hard. Was that real smoke or a mirage? “Oh well,” he sighed. “We’d best get going if we want a warm dinner,” he said to his coyote Daniel. “Giddy-up old boy.” Daniel sped up to a swift trot. As they got closer Phillip quickly realized what he had been staring at was no mirage. “Giddy-up Daniel boy!” He shouted urgently. Forty minutes later Phillip stared grief stricken at the charred remains of his home. He had been to late to help. His family was dead. Phillip was now a lone Armadillo.
Chapter one:
A Snake, a Coon, and a friend.
Two weeks later, Phillip knelt by his coyote. It looked for all the world like he was tracing pictures in the dust, though in reality he was tracing the tracks of the raccoons he was sure had killed his family.
He remounted Daniel and went in the direction that the raccoons had taken. If he had read the tracks right, then more had joined with the original coons: lots more, maybe even the whole tribe.
A few minutes later he spied a snake. Being in no mood to waste time, he decided to steer clear. He was about to go around when he saw that the snake was moving toward an object on the ground. Fearing that some animal was in danger, he spurred Daniel on.
When he arrived he found a baby coon laying on the ground mewling as the snake moved steadily forward. It was a small rattlesnake! Knowing the baby coon was grave danger, Phillip moved quickly.
He shouted to get the rattler’s attention. He whipped out his pistol. The rattler hissed, drew back, and paused staring hesitantly at the sturdy armadillo. That was enough time for Phillip.
Bang! The rattler slumped dead to the ground, shot through the head. Phillip picked up the small coon. It stopped its mewling. Phillip knew he couldn’t leave it to die.
He got the blanket out of his saddle bag and wrapped the baby up. He would not be able to continue on the road to vengeance. He turned the coyote to the path to the nearest town.
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Filed under: books, homeschooling
Dang, girl! How old are you???? Other than a few misspellings and punctuation, I don’t know how you could improve on that, truly!
The only part I’m not clear on is the coyote. Are coyotes big enough to ride on? That part puzzles me. As I read the story I was asking myself “Did she mean he’s riding a horse and has a coyote with him? Or is this guy really riding a coyote? How big is this coyote?
But other than that, your story is very well written, Missy! Good job!
Meg, this is great. You are a talented writer! Your story is very intriguing and the action moves along at a great pace.
My biggest advice is to paint a picture with your words. In the prologue, I would love to picture exactly what Phillip is seeing. What does the scenery look like? What does it smell like? I think that would help the reader feel like they are really there.
Those are just my suggestions, but I think that you are doing great so far!
I really enjoyed reading this. It really kept my attention and I would like to find out more. The only part I’m unclear on is what is Phillip? Is he a boy or an armadillo? I know that may sound stupid, but you never know about stories. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading the finished product!
Norah Nick,
I think I did mention that he was a armadillo. I guess I just didn’t make it clear enough! I will try to make it more noticeable.
Thank you for the advice Melissa, I will definitely try that!
Oh and I forgot to mention it in my post, but I’m going to post my story when I finish it ( if I ever do ).
-Meg
I have a friend who is a published author. She has writtened four books. She also has written an e-book about writing, for kids. It is called Reach for the Stars. It used to be on a blog, and one of the things she talked about is instead of just telling your reader how a character felt describe how they felt.
Like this-
Don’t say:
Sally was tired and went to bed,
Say:
Sally yawned and stretched. Slowly she got she got up from the chair she was sitting in. She yawned again and rubbed her eyes. “Goodnight, everyone,” she said, as she plodded towards her room.
Here is my friend’s website if you are interested.
http://www.susankmarlow.com/
Elizabeth,
Thank you for this advice. I’ll look at your friend’s site!
Meg