Warning, this post is entirely the product of my imagination, so if you are allergic to silliness I seriously recommend that you scroll down and read something else.
One day I was making myself a sandwich. Not any ordinary sandwich mind you, but a delicious, mouth watering, BLT with lovely thick strips of crispy bacon, and colby-jack cheese. But right as I laid the top piece of bread on and prepared to take a bite I heard a voice.
“Don’t you dare,” it said.
I looked around, and didn’t see anyone talking to me. My mom and dad were working online and my siblings were eating boring old peanut butter and jelly, so I assumed that I wasn’t actually being addressed. I lifted the sandwich and prepared to bite again.
“I’m warning you,” the voice came again.
I jumped and looked at my sandwich. I thought in alarm “Surely not…the voice can’t be coming from the sandwich itself?” Feeling rather silly I made sure no one was looking and whispered to the sandwich, “Hello?”
“What?” There was no doubt. My sandwich was indeed talking to me.
I glanced around guiltily and seeing nobody watching I whispered again to the sandwich.
“What are you warning me against?”
“Eating me, of course. I would think that at least was obvious.”
“Why shouldn’t I eat you?”
“Because I told you not to, moron.”
“Excuse me? I just put you together I’ll have you know, and I intend to eat you as soon as we finish this conversation.”
(I must admit, I felt rather stupid, having an argument with a sandwich, crispy bacon notwithstanding.)
The sandwich continued rather smugly, I must say.
“Well you go ahead and do that, smart alec but I wonder, how you will like biting something as it talks to you, or perhaps even…screams for help?”
“Are you threatening me?”
“Well, what if I just throw you away?”
“And waste all this crispy bacon, and colby jack cheese, slathered in mustard and mayo? I don’t think so.”
“Well, what do you expect me to do with you, if not eat you or throw you away?”
“Well, I’ve always wanted to see Hawaii…”
“This is stupid. Always? You didn’t even exist ten minutes ago!”
“Yeah, so? Who says I can’t have my own ambitions just because I’m a young sandwich?”
I groaned, “This is ridiculous.”
“Hawaii?!? Next you’ll probably want me to send you to the president.”
“Why not? I think I would be fun to see him jump when his sandwich talks to him. I mean, you jumped. Why wouldn’t he?”
“I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
Just then Dad walked over and said “ooh Deanna, thanks for making this sandwich for me.” Before I could warn him, he picked it up and took a bite. He chewed, and then handed the sandwich back to me. “Thanks Nonna, I was just kidding. By the way you put a LOT of mustard on there.” I smiled at the irony,
“Yes, it was a bit…saucy, wasn’t it?”
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