To see, or not to see? That is the question.
People have always asked if we find out the gender of our babies before birth, and my answer has always been the same: "No, because I've never had a midwife who did ultrasounds. I would love to if I had the chance, but I just can't justify the extra cost."
I always thought people who didn't want to find out were a little weird. Who wouldn't want to know? It would make it so much easier to plan ahead for clothes and accessories. You could name your baby way ahead of time and talk about it/him/her without the awkward pronouns. What's not to love about knowing ahead of time, except for the cost?
Tomorrow I visit a new midwife for the first time. She has an ultrasound machine in her office. The cost of the ultrasound is included in her price for prenatal & delivery. At 20 weeks, people tell me I should be able to find out what we're having.
And to my complete shock, I suddenly understand why some people don't want to know.
I feel like I'm being offered the chance to peek at my presents before they are given to me. "It's ok," the voice in my head whispers. "It's not really cheating. Everyone does it, and nobody will mind. You're expected to do it. Who wouldn't? Why wouldn't you?"
But I feel like the delivery itself will be anticlimactic if the baby and I have already met. It will become simply something to be endured, instead of the price and prelude to meeting our newest baby.
And because the thought is lurking shamefully in the back of my head, I have to admit that I'm afraid it might be easier to be disappointed if I see a little girl in an ultrasound. At the moment of delivery, there is no way to be disappointed. I will have a sweet, precious new baby in my arms and at my breast. But at the halfway mark, with 20 weeks to go, maybe there is a chance of disappointment. I might have to put on a brave smile and say that I'm grateful while inside I'm making emotional adjustments to the notion that my boy still doesn't have a brother.
I'm sure this falls under ovarian guilt. I just want to be sure I'm as thrilled to meet this new baby as I have been with all the rest - and I'm suddenly unsure if that would happen in an ultrasound.
Related posts:
- Ultrasound
- We have a midwife
- Pregnancy update
- My sister’s scale, part II
- First prenatal appointment!
Did you enjoy this post? Subscribe so you'll never miss a new post!
Filed under: mom is neurotic, pregnancy/labor
You know, you could go for an ultrasound… only to find out it was incorrect
Unless it’s clearly a boy, there’s 50 % chance it’s a girl! (Yes, I’ve had this happen!)
While all my births were unmedicated, I enjoyed ultrasounds because it always helped me to name and better connect with my baby as a person.
I like you’re line about peeking into Christmas presents before they’re open.
Thanks for sharing your perspective!
Much love,
Sarah
PS: Write about whatever or whomever you wish. It’s your blog… and it’s great
Being 28 weeks pregnant with baby number 6 and having had ultrasounds with 2 so far, I would say don’t do it… It didn’t benefit me in anyway to find out before the birth. Waiting is so much more exciting.
Plus if you do some research into the side effects of ultrasound then I am sure you would agree that your tiny baby is better off without one.
I love to see if my intuition is right … I feel very much like we are having a girl this time but we shall wait and see.
My first three babies were standard hospital births/ob care, and I had ultrasounds with all three. With the first we found out the gender (a girl) with the second I didn’t want to know the gender, and told the tech that, but my husband was with me and he looked and said “is that what I think it is? ” so I knew it was a boy. With the third we did not find out the gender, and it was a girl. It was wonderful to be surprised at the birth.
With the 4th baby we had a homebirth with a midwife, but we did have an OB do an ultrasound and found out we were having a second boy. Then with the 5th baby (another homebirth) we didn’t bother with an ultrasound at all. My 4th baby was an 11 lb boy at birth, and the ultrasound I had was done around 28 weeks. Based on the baby’s size at the ultrasound, the doc wanted to move my due date up 4 weeks! I knew when we had concieved and that my dates were accurate, but it certainly complicated my care. So with the 5th baby I didn’t want any risk of confusion about my due date due to an ultrasound.
I say wait. Same reasons, here. When I know in advance it’s another boy, it’s not that I’m disappointed–but it’s awkward because everyone seems to be disappointed FOR me.
So the times when I don’t know, it happens the same way, no disappointment–no one says, “Aw, better luck next time” after the baby is here, because he’s wonderful & cuddly & squishy.
Wanted to add, you may want to consider going ahead with the ulrasound, to determine everything’s okay. I believe the risk of plecenta previa goes up with the number of pregnancies.
I am currently pregnant with my third, and we have never found out the gender. I definitely feel the same way you do about the potential for disappointment. I also love making those phone calls and surprising people with gender and name. Likewise, I love waiting anxiously to receive birth announcement phone calls from friends who kept the gender a surprise.
I say dont do it. Its not something you have had issues with in the past and your reasons for not wanting to are completely valid. Plus if you are having ovarian guilt over the idea of an ultrasound then it would be better for you to not do it. You will have plenty of time after the baby is born to get to know the personality of the child. No need to fret it before hand.
I’ve had at least one ultrasound with each pregnancy. The first time it was just really cool. The second time it caused a lot of worry and confirmed gender. The third time caused a little worry. The fourth time confirmed gender. The fifth time it didn’t do much for me. The sixth time confused the gender, and like your worry, I was hoping for a boy and it showed a girl. I nearly cried, but had come to accept the idea by the time HE was born. The seventh time, I really felt a bonding with the baby, as it was a very clear picture and he was laying back, sucking his thumb, and it was just precious.
So overall, I’d say the ultrasounds cause more worry than anything. But if you’re having a hard time believing you’re really pregnant, or afraid you can’t come up with a name for each gender, or worried that something doesn’t feel right, a peek might help out.
Kim, we had an ultrasound at the hospital with Steven when he was late. Part of the non stress test required to make sure everything is well. Suddenly the possibility of finding out what he was was upon me…I didn’t know what to do. What about the surprise at birth, I agreed to find out but guess what Steven had different plans. The dr. said that he was in the position of the statue of the thinker and there was no finding out. I was all of a sudden disappointed that I was unable to find out. But then his birth took place 1 1/2 weeks later. Brandon and Nathan were both homebirths in Ohio with midwifes that didn’t offer such. So we didn’t know till he was born. Andrew the midwife suspected of being breech and said we might need to have an ultrasound to confirm. So we did (mostly to put myself at ease) and we found out he was a boy. I then was able to concentrate on a name for him instead of possibilities for this child I didn’t know the sex of. Marshall the midwife had a company that would come to her office and did one there. Both of those basicly confirmed it was yet another boy. No more disappointment than the midwife/dr saying it is a boy before handing them to you. You may have a bit of that but only for a second but you can see your baby on the screen and in the photos there is no way to be disappointed. Katie and Arabella were both absolute surprises. I questioned the dr when he said Katie was a girl, I asked if he was sure or if he got it wrong…I only have boys. WIth Bella I expected her to be another boy but was pleasently surprised again. Then I was sure Noah was a girl and he was another boy. Whether you find out if it is a boy/girl I would still do the ultrasound so that you can see that precious baby before there arrival into this world. It is such a special thing. You can look at that picture when you are having a bad pregnancy…didn’t sleep well, heartburn and see the person it is all for. Being a mom to 6 boys and only 2 girls I think it was worth it. It seemed to help my youngest get use to the new baby easier…when the baby is born they know them. It is Noah. Arabella knew exactly who we spoke of when we introduced her to him. Bella this is your brother Noah. She got it…she made the connection. She understood that it was who we had been talking about all these months. It was like that with all the young children who knew the babys name before birth. In some ways I feel more connected and there was no lack of joy taken away at birth. When the dr takes out the baby, I still wait to hear her say its a boy! It’s more like expecting someone you have know for a while but never met face to face but the anticipation and joy is not any less whether you know you are having a Noah, Bella or a baby. But again whether you find out or not the sonogram itself is fantastic…still to this day on occasion Katie will make a face and look at me in a certain way and I can see the image of her in the sonogram in my mind. I knew that face from before she was born. It is just so very special.
Oh I also have to say with Noah it showed a side of him that is still so true. We had a couple of small sonograms early on…every time even from as early as 10-14 weeks or something he was moving his arms and legs all the time. He was a very active little boy always moving. He had a true knot in his cord when he was born. I didn’t feel as much movement from him as his sonograms showed, but even know he is rarely still. Ever since birth he was one to move alot, squirm, etc any little movement he could do and still does.
We never find out, though we always have ultrasounds. I never like to spoil the surprise. It IS like peeking at the gifts before Christmas.
If you are having any doubts, I wouldn’t do it!
I just had my first u/s a couple weeks ago, because at 17 weeks I was already feeling movement real low and under my ribs. I let my imagination run wild and suspected twins. (Turns out baby wasn’t in the fetal position, but fully stretched out.)
This was supposed to be the first time I didn’t find out the gender and I was so excited for just the reason you said. I really felt my last birth was anticlimatic. I was looking forward for that reason to push through my exhaustion at the end.
The baby’s legs were crossed and so we couldn’t see the gender, but the tech refused to give up, she just kept pushing and moving until she was satisfied with what she thought the gender was. I’m so disappointed to know (almost) for sure! (Even though I already suspected by the way I feel and am gaining weight. Boy pregnancies are completely different for me from girl pregnancies.) Since she was in doubt for so long, I’m just pretending like it never happened.
I have done it both ways and don’t mind either. Finding out is neat, you get to start making daydreams about who this little girl or boy will be. In labor you have a clear picture of that little person in your head and are ready to meet them. Not finding out is fun because you get the surprise at the last possible second.
I had 5 ultrasounds with Tom two very early ones to confirm that the pregnancy was there and ok the usual dating scan that they do at about 12 weeks here in the UK and two “normality” scans as my hospital calls them at 20 and 21 weeks. It should have only been one scan at 20 weeks but Tom was lying in such a way that the ultrasound operator could not get a decent measurement and he would not move. I wanted to know what the gender was as I am in inveterate present squisher and rattler. On the fifth scan it was fairly clear that Tom was a boy.
There are several good reasons to have at least one ultrasound, for instance to ensure that the placenta isn’t low lying, but there are no good reasons to find out whether the baby is a boy or a girl unless you want to know and it sounds like you don’t want to know, I’m sure your midwife won’t tell you if you ask her not too.
Those ultrasound pictures are so precious even though they are blury and full of noise, even the one we have of Tom at 8 weeks gestation he looks more like a fallen over duckling than a baby.
I definitely know being torn. We have had ultrasounds each time, but have felt differently about “finding out” each time as well.
#1 — didn’t want to know AT ALL!
#2 — wanted to know and told the world we were having a girl, which we will not do again. I do like the surprise of telling everyone else after the birth, “We had a _______!”
#3 — Found out we were having a girl, but kept it to ourselves.
#4 — I didn’t want to know, hubby did, so just he was gonna find out, but they couldn’t tell!
#5 — again they couldn’t tell.
This time I want to find out and hopefully we will next week. I very much dislike picking out names, so want to narrow the field for that reason.
I have found I’m the kind of person that likes to know what to expect, so the ultrasound helps me with that, but it is definitely a personal decision. Either way I have enjoyed each time they have laid that baby on my chest. Always a thrill and joy.
I have 6 girls, the last two at home, and we have never found out the sex of any of them. When I was pregnant with #5 I just KNEW it was a boy and so, to my forever guilt, I was disappointed when she was born. Though I loved her on sight, I actually grieved for a couple of days, partly because I knew if this one wasn’t a boy, we were never to have any boys.
When I got pregnant with number 6 I wanted an ultrasound so I could find out at 20 weeks, so that if there were any disappointment I could get it over with before the baby was born. I really felt like it was a girl, but every one kept saying “this is the boy.” I wanted to find out partly to hush them up.
My husband however was adamantly against finding out, so we didn’t, of course. When she was born, there was no disappointment this time, for which I was thankful.
If you feel like you might be disappointed at birth, then get the ultrasound. If you feel confident you won’t, then I like the surprise.
I felt the exact same way about my number 4. Found out for 2 & 3. Really, REALLY wanted a girl to fit in with my g/b/g/b plans and my daughter was desperate for a sister, but I knew that I would be disappointed at the ultrasound and for a while afterwards if it was a boy (and then I’d feel terribly guilty), but wouldn’t care a jot at the birth. So, I didn’t find out, we had a beautiful son, who I was thrilled to meet on the day. I say keep it a suprise.
I’ve been lurking for a while and wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your blog. I think ultrasounds are great but I never had any desire to know what gender my 4 were. I did correctly guess 3 of the 4 anyway. My first were fraternal boy/girl twins and we were told they were most likely identical from my first ultrasound at 24 weeks. Wrong. We also know someone who was told they were having a small baby boy and they had a 9 lb 15 ounce girl. Wrong again. Mind you both of these scenarios were over 20 years ago and I assume technology has improved. I say wait unless you are sure.
As a mom to 5 boys…we did find out with our 3rd and there was a feeling of sadness for being an all boy family… so we don’t find out anymore and like you said those feelings have never happened for me when I am snuggling my new little one….
Plus it is a little like opening a present before you are supposed to
I have found out with all 7 and would find out again if we are blessed with another. I love knowing what we are having and picking the names before hand. We have had difficulties during some of the pregnancies and having the baby named made the bond deeper.
There were a couple times I was disappointed with the gender, but that went away as soon as we started working on names.
How Exciting! (That is all I had to say, but the website said my comment was too short. ) =) Girls are wonderful and I secretly hope to have a whole slew.! After reading all the fun stores I am ready for number three. (But Anna is only 6 weeks old)
I’m 20 weeks along with my first. Our next appointment is next week and we have decided not to find out the gender, or do an ultrasound at all.
At first I just assumed we would find out but my husband really wanted to wait and now I’m excited about the big surprise. Plus, we want to be frugal and buy gender neutral things that we can use with future babies and it will be easier to do that if we are forced to, although I don’t suppose a lack of baby supplies is an issue with you
I’m not sure if you have already posted about this, but have you ever considered a post on baby essentials? I keep hearing conflicting ideas and am looking for seasoned frugal mom advice on what I really need.
Love to all…but I respectfully disagree that it’s like opening a present before you’re supposed to.
I’ve had ultrasounds with all my kids, only unable to find out gender with my first.
Honestly, there are pro’s too. Giving her/him a name before birth makes bonding cool imho. My midwife was cheering Abigail on while I was laboring lol ”Come on Abigail!”
As for the disappointment. If you were to feel it, you certainly wouldn’t be alone, and it would abate by birth day.
And knowing the gender before hand doesn’t make labor any less of a price and prelude =)
Plus…you can always get the ultrasound (always amazing!!) and ask the midwife to turn the screen when she gets near the gender.
We found out but we didn’t tell anyone. So we knew but it was still a surprise for everyone else and I was SO EXCITED waiting to tell the sex and the name plus I got to plan a bit–I had to be stealth but I still managed it!!
Either way–you’ll be thrilled with a precious new baby!
We dont find out. It’s fun to wait. It is like cmas morning. You get to be the first to look down there and announce what you have.
When we had our second child, a daughter, we decided we didn’t want to know the gender ahead of time. But “just in case”, we had the ultrasound tech write the gender on a piece of paper and sealed it in an envelope. We made it to the parking lot, then succumbed to temptation!
My doctors always scheduled an ultrasound around 20 weeks, and we always found out for the very simple reason that I don’t want the doctor to know anything about the baby/pregnancy that I don’t know.
And don’t worry about disappointment
If it’s a girl, and you were hoping for a boy there might be a short, and I do mean short period ‘oh, shucks’, but knowing gives the babe inside that much more character and personality and those internal conversations are even more meaningful. Besides, it’s you and your husbands creation. What could there possibly be to be disappointed about?
@MacKenzie – about frugal baby needs, we bought a crib for the first one. The was the single major purchase. For changing tables, we just used an end table with those padded folding changers from Walmart (about 20 bucks) and put another on on the bathroom sink (talk about handy to have soap and water and paper towels right there!). For clothes storage, a few clear plastic storage containers made great drawers on the shelf and floor under the end table/changing table. If you breastfeed, you only need a couple bottles for backup. If you have to pump only a little, hand pumps work great and are a lot cheaper than electric pumps (but electric are essential if you have to pump several times a day).
Relatives and friends kept the baby in clothes for the first couple of years, so diapers (and a diaper pail) were the only other big expendiatures.
Other nice things to have are a nursing pillow, a playpen, and a baby rocking chair (fisher price sells one for about 40 dollars). My youngest could rock herself by 6 weeks, and loved it.
We don’t do ultrasounds, because of the effects they have on the baby (we’re one of those couples that researched the topic ‘to death’ lol). My mother (a nurse) recommends against all ultrasounds unless there is a problem or you’re not reasonably sure of your dates.
I’ve been tempted this time to go in in the beginning of the 3rd trimester (so in March) and find out what we’re having… but only because I want to be able to tell certain people that they’re wrong… and then I realized that I wouldn’t get rid of the comments even if they were wrong, so there was no point. Either way I’ll hear no end of it, so I might as well live another 5 months in oblivion, lol!
I didn’t read the comment posted here sorry if I’m repeating what as already been said!
Ultra sound are not 100% sure of the gender,meaning I have lots and lots of friend that wanted to know the gender to be very surprise that it was the opposite of what they have been told!
So think that you have given your baby in the belly a name, you bought gender appropriate color clothing etc… to find out that US was
WRONG!!!! I don’t think I would be able to get my mind to switch that fast at the birth of the baby!
And yes emotion would be involve, then you would need to tell all that you have X instead of Y well could you just imagine!
I love the moment just after baby is born when to hear “It’s a …” then you and your husband are just so happy to finally meet your precious baby and know if it’s a girls name or boy would be given!
I know I’m rambling but I loved not knowing until birth and I also loved having people make their prediction before and then at birth being able to tell so and so if they were right or wrong!
Have a great day!
I’ve had an ultrasound with all 3 of my children. I just can’t stand the suspense! And there is something so incredibly awesome about looking at that screen and seeing your baby, it’s little heart beating. I always melt into a puddle of tears. You may be right about it taking away from the actual birth, though. I really wouldn’t know because I’ve never experienced a “surprise” birth.
I’ve found out ahead of time with all 3 of mine, and wasn’t disappointed with any of them! I don’t think you would be, either. I’m not finding out this time, since I have baby stuff for boys and girls now, so I don’t really need to prepare. I’d like to be surprised for once.
I’m for waiting. We had an U/S with our first two boys and it was nice to know. With our third, our midwife didn’t do them, but I was one thousand percent convinced it was a girl. When my third boy was delivered, I was thrilled, but I am glad I didn’t know beforehand. That said, I want to know what you are having, so be sure to blog about it soon after you find out. (:
Hi Kim!
Haven’t posted here since talking about the miracles and etopics but I read in my email box daily
Congratulations on the new blessing!
I always thought the same as you – who wouldn’t want to know if you could? (as I’m a planner… ) but when I got pregnant, my dh said,”hon, if God wanted you to know what is inside, he’d have made the stomach area see through..”
plot foiled! but it was a wonderful surprise.
ok – that was awful formatting – a little train of thought ish – but i’m off for coffee.
Amanda
I know you said you want another boy so your son can have a brother, but can I say I am very thankful there are families like yours having lots of girls so my sons can have wonderful wives in the future.
With that said, don’t do it! Don’t find out. The people I know who have done it both ways would rather not know for the next one. Esp when you have mistakes in gender. Imagine the disappointment of saying your are having another boy, buying all the boys stuff and in the end you have a girl. That happened to a friend of mine. Another friend was told she was having a girl and in the end had a boy. You can get the u/s and not find out the gender. Just have the m/w turn the screen away when you get to the bottom half.
I say take a family vote. Either way I am sure you won’t be disapponted. Personally I think it is nice to know and form a better bond.
I totally understand the mixed feelings. Since my babies were all born before routine ultrasounds it was a fun to hear the “it’s a girl” but it would have been easier in many ways for sure.
I’m curious – do you use a CNM or Direct Entry (Lay) Midwife? I’m assuming the latter since I think I noticed that you do home birth. It’s not that I have an objection but just wondered and my interest in childbearing keeps me curious as I collect birth story experiences.
Thanks for sharing. (Due to some problems I had to go private on my personal blog and now it’s by invitation). My professional blog is still open.
I would wait. I LOVE waiting! The suspense is just …. killer. I love it!
As far as knowing, I would be afraid like dh’s cousin (she’s my age) I would call my son a girl’s name for three months.
I know of other folks that have done this too!
Because I know I would doubt an u/s’s reliability, and such, (and I know dh would as well) it’s just not worth it to me. I love the relief of being DONE with labor coupled with is it a boy or a girl??? all in the same instant!
And then together, dh and I say the name we’ve chosen for that gender and say “Hello, little So-and-So, welcome to the family!”
And I’ve heard way too much “The baby’s too big!” or “The baby’s too small!” or due-date shifting …. nah. I’ve had three u/s before 12 weeks. Two at ~6w, one at 10w, and one pregnancy without even that. We purposefully don’t open ourselves up to later u/s because we want to wait, as centuries of mothers have waited, to know gender.
My two cents!
Here’s a solution: have the midwife write the gender and put it in an envelope, so if you want to know later, you can look, but you don’t have to do another ultrasound to find out, and the midwife doesn’t have to write it in her chart, so she doesn’t spill the beans.
We found out the gender for our first (boy) and second (girl). When our girl was born with special needs (not revealed in any ultrasound before, BTW), I desperately wanted another girl…but I also wanted to be surprised. So we were surprised, and it was a boy. I had convinced myself it would be a girl, but a week before the birth I realized I had to be prepared for a boy…so I prepared myself and was joyful at his birth.
With our fourth we decided to find out (it’s a boy!…I’m 24 weeks) and I’m so glad, because I have time to bond and not worry about being disappointed when he is born. We are so looking forward to meeting our son. And you know how every child is so different…there are plenty of surprises to be had at the birth, without also having the surprise of gender.
Go for it!
To add on to my previous comment…I think if you care, you should find out. Not finding out is for people who would honestly be happy one way or the other (from my experience with our third and now fourth).
I completely understand about needing about wanting to meet baby at delivery, when all those warm, mama hormones come flooding in.
We haven’t peeked with any of ours (including #8 due 1/31) because I need the reward of discovery after labor. It is my gift to myself at the end of all that pain.
We have had ultrasounds to rule out multiples, but have either had them too early to see gender or asked the technician to avoid divulging the gender to us.
I say go ahead. I was pregnant with my 7th at 44 and decided to find out because I wanted to have more than just the either/or clothing out which was what I usually did. I didn’t know how long it would take me to recover from labor/delivery in my “old age” and didn’t want to have to climb in the attic digging out clothes after delivery. It worked out well for us —-and we got personalized baby items for gifts because we had chosen his name early!! Oh, and the labor and delivery went great,too!!
I’ve done it both ways. Knowing ahead of time that my son was a boy did nothing to mar my excitement about actually holding him in my arms. Good luck with your decision!
Wow…I’ve always thought I’d find out. I’ve never heard so many people say no to it.
We found out with my son and I’m so very glad we did. It found out about his birth defect (and so we were ready – that was a HUGE blessing), but I loved knowing the gender.
It allowed me to give him a name and to connect with him before he was born. I was talking to doctors because he was Nate. I was prepping his room and clothes because he was Nate. And when he was doing cartwheels, I was able to talk to him as Nate.
The practical side is huge, but the emotional side is so helpful. I did experience a short “oh, bummer” because I wanted a girl so badly, but it was very short. He was Nate, and he was on his way.
What does hubby vote? And what about your kiddos?
For me, I wanted to find out. I wanted to have a pronoun to use and to have time to get used to the idea of having a boy. We chose a name in advance but didn’t tell anyone. Still, it was great to say “Hey, Johnny!” to my belly, and actually be talking to my son.
You could get the ultrasound and have the midwife write down what it is and put it inside an opaque envelope, and if you ever want to know before the birth, it’s there!
Good to read your post about this.
Once we decided childbirth was something that didn’t need to be medically managed, it was easy to see that all that went with the medical establishment can go out the window too.
I’m not sure God wants us to know everything we want to know. He may want us to just trust in Him to give us the very best.
With our last 4 homebirths, finding out who our baby is by holding him/her, was a joy that cannot be expressed.
I never really cared too much about knowing or seeing the baby because I could feel it and was happy about that. But after our second one we lost one of the twins, so that next one we had I loved looking at the baby. Just to see him move and to make sure his heart was working. I saw the miracle of the gift from God so different after the twins.
But I will say, the doctor was never able to tell what sex my kids were. They never moved the right ways…silly little kids!
I’ve read all the posts….lots of good reasons to do so and lots of good reasons not to do so. I have 9 kids, 3 birth and 6 adopted. Back when I had my kids, US were only for “concerns” and not part of the norm. It was fun guessing the gender and find out if I was right or wrong (I was right all 3 times) but more fun in proving my mother-in-law wrong 2 of the 3 times LOL I have a twist here though….when we decided to adopt kids (older kids from the system) we were thinking only a couple of girls. The first adoption we “knew” what what we were getting (gender wise…like an US). The next we got were a sib group of 4 (3 girls 1 boy). We were approached about adopting them, not ones we “looked” for (when I was looking, I would look for more balance in gender, and ages were a concern….these 4 didn’t fit my criteria when looking
But the surprise…like at birth…..was awesome! Then we got a surprise phone call “we have a newborn girl still in the hospital, do you want her? Oh by the way, she has Down Syndrome, is that a problem?” So another surprise. I guess my correlation between the two (US or not)…the surprise on our part was like when the Dr said at birth, it’s a boy/girl but mine was after a 13 year pregnancy not the usual 9 months LOL Even though we learned our youngest had DS at birth, if I had birthed her, no way I’d give her up or make any changes knowing in advance (like her birth parents….they didn’t know in advance and if they had, our daughter wouldn’t be here today). I like the way God has it all planned out. Yes, like you, a houseful of girls but I feel God has placed all these girls with us for a reason. I believe it is because He knows we’ll be teaching them to be a Proverbs 31 woman and boy, can society use more of these kind of women/girls in this day and age. Our only son at home (out of our 3 bio kids, 2 boys 1 girl…all married with their own families) wants brothers too and we are praying it is in the Lord’s plans for us, but he is also content where he’s at as well, being the only boy. Never did I plan a whole bunch of girls and very few boys….my plan was keeping things pretty even lol Out of our 9 kids, only one did we know for sure. Out of our 9 grandkids, only 1 we didn’t know for sure (she was sooo modest in utero, never seeing anything……today at 6, she is the same way. So funny!) Come to think of it, like someone else said, sometimes you can see their little personality in their US and see them that way today. Our oldest grandson (now 
seemed to be active and strong/confident personality in his US and he is soooo that way now. Anyway….sorry to go on and on. Sheesh! God’s Blessings whatever your decision is. Praying baby is healthy and there are no complications.
I hate peeking at gifts before they are born, but I loved finding out (and naming) my son so I could pray for him specifically. For me, it made the whole thing much more real.
I wasn’t going to be disappointed either way, though.
To each their own (but I guess I’m saying that the analogy doesn’t hold). There are MANY surprises still at birth even without having the gender mixed in. How big will he be? How will he come out? What day? What time? I can get one surprise “early” without ruining the moment. It just spreads the joy out!
Oh, as for “the ultrasound might be wrong”? Honestly, I’d love having THAT story to tell growing up, too.
Do you remember for the last three months of his gestation, we called Isaiah, Ruth? Hey, look at this card we kept. We’re so glad God gave you to us. Even if you did hide your true nature from us, you little stinker-you.
Follow where your peace is!
I like the envelope idea. And unload that ovarian guilt! Gender is encoded on the man’s seed, anyway- some men have more Y-chromosome seeds (like my dad, haha- I’m the only girl in a crowd of 7 brothers); your Mr. must pack mostly X chromosomes
You’re both incredibly blessed to have so many beautiful children.
Well, at least you know that there’s only 2 options.
I only have one baby so far, and we found out her gender at the 20 week ultrasound. I absolutely loved knowing, myself. And, there was definitely NO doubt she was a girl from the photos.
I am preg. w/ #6 and I sure don’t want to know. I HAVE found out with 4 of the 5 ..only because Hubby HAS to know..lol…but he was sick with the one I did not find out the gender of..he didn’t speak to me for 3 days he was so upset…but that was our only boy…when he was born and they said its a BOY!! I didn’t believe them (already having 3 girls) and head to look for myself…and was surprised every time I changed his diaper for weeks..but it was a thrilling surprise!! Now Hubs thinks if we DON’T find out it will be another boy
Don’t do it!! You are SO right. With my third child I wanted a girl very badly, and DID feel disappointment that I felt very guilty for, when my ultrasound showed that he was a boy, and I never would have been disappointed to have another boy if I had found out when he was born. He is my cuddler and the joy of my heart. (He is seventeen now.) And we went on to adopt 5 children, so I have lots of lovely girls. 4 boys and 4 girls. Pure delight.
I don’t know. I’ve always liked the surprise at the end. It drives some people crazy. We have had an ultrasound with all seven babies, but I always tell them I don’t want to know the gender and they have been good about keeping it hidden. It is nice to peak at your baby through the ultrasound, but the surprise at the end is so much fun. We are expecting our 8th and I will probably have an ultrasound but I still don’t want to know the gender.
Blessings,
Natalie
I say, if in doubt, don’t do it. There’s something so exciting about waiting until the moment of birth to make that discovery. Also, I’ve known too many people who were told WRONG about the sex of the baby, and THAT would be reeeeeally disappointing to think you know and then find out that you were wrong. It increases the chances for a lot more emotional upheaveal conflicting feelings and who needs that?? Don’t borrow trouble. I’ve been pregnant six times and I never find out…drives my daughter nuts!
I had two reasons for not wanting to know the sex:
1/ I thought I might need the extra incentive during labor of finally finding out the sex (I ended up having an emergency c-section, so it wasn’t needed after all!)
2/ I used to be a big shopper and I was afraid if I found out the sex I would buy up all the stores.
With our next child there was no question, we liked the suspense and what my husband called “the only real surprise in life.”
We’ve always found out. I love it. I love knowing whom I’m carrying and it helps the kids to bond so much easier. I also really think that ultrasounds are a good idea for medical reasons. I have known several people that would have lost their baby if the medical staff was not prepared for the birth defect their babies had.
Anyways, can’t wait to hear what you decided and congrats!
Just to let you know We live in NB Canada and their is a policy that when taking a U/S the tech can’t and will not tell you the gender and the reason is their has been so many mistake that they had to have a policy to protect themselves.
So parent can’t sue the tech for giving them false or wrong info!
Well that for me says it all !!! And if you really want to know you have to get a 3D ultrasound that you need to pay big$$$ and is not beneficial for baby’s health!
Just some things to think about!
Thanks for your perspective! We actually just found out this morning that our second chlid will be a girl- but I wouldn’t have known that if the tech didn’t tell me! She even asked before we started if we wanted to see the gender. To me, though, the most facinating part was seeing the profile of our little one’s face at 19 weeks. It’s incredible to see how developed the little babe is already. If you don’t want to know the gender, I would say go ahead and see the amazing pictures and ask the tech/midwife not to reveal if it is a boy or girl. Good luck!
I should have added that hubby hasn’t expressed an opinion either way, but surprisingly enough he didn’t laugh when I told him about my misgivings. This was especially surprising since I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. I never expected to feel this way!
Maggie,
My midwives have always been able to locate the placenta by listening so that’s not a concern – they can hear the mother’s pulse in the placenta, and it has a special sort of sound that makes it easy to identify.
I had ultrasounds done with all my 3 children. My husband is an ultrasound tech so I would get them done frequently. I loved seeing the baby and he/ she moving, yawning, sucking his/ her thumb, in different positions. I found out the sex of every one of them at around 21 weeks.
Did you know that all babies “start as girls”? in the sense that ONLY at around 20 weeks the testicles descend and the clitoris grows into the penis. Of course that from conception, their DNA is either female or male, but that is the reason you have to wait, otherwise all babies look like girls (my technical husband said “they are undifferentiated, not girls”) and then later on, surprise You have a boy!! Sometimes we might be able to see the penis at 16 weeks but it is rare.
I am pregnant with our #4 and was kind of disappointed at first when I found out it’s a girl, because I was wanting another boy. But the disappointment has worn out and I can’t wait to see her.
If you like, see here http://creatingtreasures.blogspot.com/2009/10/its-girl.html a picture of my firstborn when she was only 12 weeks SUCKING HER THUMB. She was such an active girl…I have tons of pictures of her in utero. She would be on her knees “praying”, yawning, hiccuping, waving. She was adorable…still is.
I am 33 weeks pregnant and this one is pretty active too. I don’t have as many ultrasounds with this one because I don’t have anyone to leave the children with to go see this one, but she is a kicker.
Anyway, I think ultrasounds are a great tool, but as a tool it really depends on the person’s knowledge and experience using it for good results.
Do share if you find out the gender.
I did not have any ultrasounds with my first two (both sons). My third was a high risk pregnancy, so we did have two very early ultrasounds, much too soon to tell the gender. That was fine with me, I had already experienced lots of condolences on the birth of my second son, as if it was some kind of tragedy to have two boys! What is the matter with people! Our daughter’s birth was a huge surprise to everyone, as my husband is one of nine boys. Then when we found that we were expecting our fourth, I was 41 years old, and so we elected to have a tertiary ultrasound to explore the possiblilty of Down’s, or some other genetic condition that might require more than standard midwife care at birth. What a waste that was – after about an hour long exam, the dr told us she couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary,but not to put too much stock in that, as drs are wrong about half the time. So I asked her just why we had done this exam if chances were 50-50 that it might be misleading? She had no answer for that, but tried to talk us into an amnio, which we strongly declined. Anyway, it was very obvious from the exam that our new baby was also a girl. I was thrilled, both for her sister’s sake, and for mine. I’m not sure I would have had the energy to chase another little boy thru toddlerhood at my age! Now my two girls are 8 and 10 and best friends, and my sons are 16 and 18 and best friends as well. So I do hope your little guy will have a brother too one day, but God does send you a hand-picked best possible child for you, so who can argue with that?
Oops, I forgot to say that I have a good friend whose 3rd son was born just after my second. We knew his sex, name, and date of birth (planned c-sec) for months before hand. The only suspense was whether he would have bright orange hair like his mom and 2nd brother, or dark hair like his dad and 1st brother. (He’s a red-head.)
I am nearing my 20 week mark as well, Kim, and just had an ultrasound. I have three boys, and soon to have a fourth! We would have been thrilled with a girl, but honestly, I had a feeling it was a boy…Even though we “wanted” a girl, I can’t say I am any less anxious/excited to meet this boy, too!! Not only that, boys are what we know, and what we are mostly prepared for. It’s certainly up to you, Kim, but as much as you love your babies–all your babies–girl or boy??Either is an eternal soul, the exact one that God wanted to give you–to love, protect, train and nurture.
I didn’t find out on any of my children. I did have all hospital births, and it was really special knowing that my husband and I (along with the doctor and 3 or 4 nurses) were the only ones who knew whether our child was a boy or girl. The people outside had to wait patiently until we let them in on the surprise!
I guess I am a “little wierd”.
I have not found out the gender with either my firstborn, nor with this pregnancy. We have had ultrasounds, but have asked not to be told gender.
We think it is one of the best surprises in life, and God did make it that way for a reason. I personally don’ t understand the need to see gender to be able to bond, since women have bonded fine with their babies for centuries without knowing.
I also understand the disappointment concern… I really want another boy, so I am preparing myself to be excited for a girl.. that way I will be happy either way at birth – not that the moment wouldn’t take care of that anyway!
My son was diagnosed as a boy, very clearly, at 19 weeks. I always thought they waited as long as they did to make sure the parts were big enough to discern, not because they had to descend. Poking around on the Internet I’m finding indications that the gender can be discerned as early as 16 weeks with an experienced technician and the proper mother — and nothing about this descent. (though testse do need to descend, this doesn’t always happen before birth even it appears)
Wow! I have never seen so many people who do not want to know! Everybody I know finds out, and we know the baby’s name, refer to him/her by name, buy presents for him/her, etc. It is very exciting to anticipate the arrival of Cole, Hudson, Emily, or whoever. I have only been blessed with one child, and I found out he was a boy. Calling him by name for 4 months made it very personal and felt like we knew him before hand. I too see his profile now as being the same as it was on the ultrasound.
PS. I do not like to peek or have any clue about presents, and I did not mind at all knowing the gender of my son. I would do the same.
Do what works for you.
I have refused to find out the gender with either of my two, despite having had at least 3 ultrasounds with each one (not my choice). I felt the same as you – as if i would be cheating, opening a present before it was time. My husband agreed about keeping it a secret with the first, though he very much wanted to find out with the second. If we ever had a third, I still wouldn’t WANT to find out, but would agree to it, for him. We already have a boy and a girl, and I would feel no disapointment no matter what a third was.
I DO refuse the 12wk scan to check for down syndrome markers though. The 20wk “has it got everything it’s supposed to?” scan is good enough for me, and I loved seeing #1 waving at us, and #2 sucking her thumb.
I have found out with all four of my kids. I’m one of those people who just has to know, mostly for planning purposes. With that said, since I now have both boy and girl baby clothes available, if I got pregnant again (highly unlikely), I don’t think I would find out. I think it would be fun to be surprised at least once.
I wouldn’t worry about the disappointment. thing. I am going on 23 weeks along with this one, and we have two boys and two girls. Part of me was wishing for one sex over the other. But, when it came down to it, and we did a ‘peek’ with the ultrasound to see if we could see the sex, and we did, and it wasn’t what I was wishing for- no matter! I was just happy to see little arms and legs flailing about, and a good, strong heartbeat. Not a smidgen of disappointment. Just the wonder of seeing a perfectly developed baby at only 20 weeks! It never gets old. This makes 3 out of 5 that we have found out with. Hubby put his foot down with two, (our first and fourth) and didn’t really want to find out, but I got my way with this one. = ) I love knowing. I love having a name picked out, and I love referring to ‘it’ as a he or she, not an ‘it.’ Even though, with this one, we aren’t telling anyone else the gender, (someone has to be surprised!) and it’s hard not to give it away by slipping with an accidental ‘he’ or ’she’! I say go for it. That’s my opinion. =)
Don’t bother with an ultrasound. As Amanda pointed out above, if God had thought it necessary for us to know beforehand, He would have given us see-through stomachs. I think your reasons for not finding out are exactly right. On top of that, since there are legitimate concerns about the effect of ultrasounds on babies in utero, why risk it at all?
Well as a childless person (who will be studying for midwifery in a couple of years) I am not sure how much my opinion is worth to any of you other commenters, lol!
But I vote don’t find out. For all of history no one ever knew until the birth. That is part of the excitement of birth! Now we “have the technology, so why not use it?” but we also have the “technology” to do plenty of things that we shouldn’t be doing, so that argument seems weird to me. Just like Kim uses a midwife, because that is the natural way, the way God intended, and the way women did until less than 100 years ago. Why should ultrasounds/sonograms be any different?
But then I am one of those pesky and annoying people who has absolutely no desire to know what is in the package before Christmas. I take much more joy in wrapping gifts for my family and friends. There’s almost a let down in actually opening the gift, because then you KNOW whats in there! Maybe I’m TOO unbothered!
My husband likes to know the gender, and I like to be surprised. So we take turns. The last baby was his turn so we knew ahead of time that the baby was a girl. The baby before that was a surprise — a boy. I remember I told my midwife and my husband NOT to say what the baby is when he or she is born…that I wanted to see for myself. Since I deliver at home and in a pool of water, the “image” is a bit distorted when the baby is born, being under the water, so luckily no one could cheat by looking before I got the chance. I reached down and felt the baby, felt his little boy parts and said, “A boy!”
That was a lot of fun. Although we deliver at home and have a midwife attending the entire pregnancy (no doctors or hospitals) I still go to a clinic to have one ultrasound at the 20 week mark to check the baby, making sure (or as sure as we can get) that the baby doesn’t have any health issues that would need to be addressed at the birth.
My opinion is that it’s a *little bit more exciting when you do not know the gender and find out at the birth. I stil prefer that:) Hey, and that reminds me….the next time it’s MY turn again! Yay! The kids will be so mad. (they always give me a hard time about waiting ….. they are all so impatient!)
I was die hard about not finding out with our first 2. But, after we traumatically lost our third baby, and I came VERY close to dying in the process, we did go ahead and find out about our 4th baby. I wanted to pray for my baby by name, and, knowing the risk I was now facing going into labor, I wanted to write letters and prayers for my little one in case I did not make it. Samuel and I did make it (though not without a MAJOR hemmorage) and I don’t regret finding out. Either way, you are gonna LOVE that birth! Enjoy!!
[...] had several emails asking if I got an ultrasound. No, I didn't. Actually, I didn't have the option yet. My initial visit with the new midwife [...]