Dad died very early on Thursday, March 24. He left behind one brother, a wife of 35 years, 14 children ranging in age from 13 to 38, and 28 grandchildren.
I went back and forth in my choice of words just now: “left behind” or “is survived by”? The first sounds just a little as though he is to blame for leaving us. The second sounds as though he is dead and gone. In one sense he is, of course, but he has not ceased to exist. He has gone before us and lives on. Yes, he left us behind. We will follow in God’s good time.
I think most of us slept late on Thursday. Nearly all of us were at the hospital until 2 AM and had a long drive home after that. Perry and my 7 oldest daughters were en route to Georgia for Vision Forum’s Father and Daughter Retreat when all of this happened; they reached their destination and headed right back again, opting for Grandpa’s funeral over a weekend of family fun. By the time they arrived home, they would cover 2,000 miles in 3 days.
That day, work and plans began in earnest. I earnestly believe that there is something soothing and healing about making funeral preparations for those we love. It is our last chance to directly serve our loved ones, and a good way to keep our hands and minds busy and focused while grief is fresh.
The 4 sons contacted a friend with a woodshop and made arrangements to use his shop to build a casket for Dad on the following day. Their friend kindly contributed not only the use of his shop and tools but the materials and his own time as well.
Our family has a small private cemetery in a corner of Dad and Mom’s 10 acres. My brother and I have each buried an infant daughter here; one sister has buried a husband here. We buried our grandma here. Now we were to bury our father who bought the land. In a land of rock and caliche, digging a grave is no easy matter. To finish in one day requires the use of heavy equipment. The boys rented a backhoe to do the job, and the 4 of them spent the day digging, weedeating, and otherwise preparing the area.
Mom and my sisters and I provided food for the working men and assembled to plan the events of the upcoming days. At my request, we gathered at my house because my little ones were sick and I had no babysitters.
We decided to have a graveside service on Saturday primarily for family and a few close friends. This was just enough time for my sister from Tennessee to arrive with her husband and children, and Perry and the girls would be home by then as well. The service would be followed by a meal of all Dad’s favorite dishes, provided by all of us.
A bigger memorial service was planned for Wednesday at my brother’s house for a wider circle of friends and acquaintances.
On Friday, the boys spent the day building the casket. It was made of solid cedar, simple and tasteful with clean, graceful lines. They did a good job.
About midday, Mom brought a huge dusty box of old photos to my house. They had belonged to my grandmother, Dad’s mom. We spent some time looking through them, laughing at some and thinking quietly over others. We asked each other’s opinion when it came to telling Dad and his youngest brother apart. There were many from Dad’s childhood that we had never seen.
My job for the day was to choose a good assortment to scan into the computer. They were to be printed out for displays at the grave site, and we would also use them for a slideshow during the meal after the burial.
Mom soon left on other business but for me the next 24 hours were consumed with old photos and memories of Dad and his parents, Bopie and Grandma Arlene. Perry and the girls arrived home very late, and while Perry bought funeral food the next morning, the girls and I continued to scan photos, sort photos, talk about photos, and arranged a large display of photos under the clear plastic tablecloth. It was a work of love and a treasure trove of memories.
By Saturday afternoon, everything was ready. The boys had brought Dad’s body from the funeral home and the site was prepared. Flower arrangements had been donated by family friends. The day was a mixture of rain and sunshine, often at the same time. It struck me as peculiarly fitting for the task at hand, symbolic of the sorrow of death and the joy of life eternal.
The rest of the day went just as planned. Dad was buried amid tears and smiles, and together we celebrated his great journey, enjoying the things that he had enjoyed while he was with us.
Graveside hymns: Come Thou Fount; From All That Dwell; It Is Well With My Soul
Dinner Menu: Linquine; caesar salad; pizza with Canadian bacon, pineapple and anchovies; mashed potatoes; beans with bacon; bbq chicken; asparagus; all-beef hot dogs; lasagne
Dessert Menu: banana cream pie; strawberry pie; watermelon; almond joy candy bars
Music: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Greatest Hits
Related posts:
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss! I hope you all are well as can be expected, especially your mom and the sibs still at home.
So sorry to hear about your dad…sounds like he left behind a beautiful legacy! May God comfort you and your family in the days ahead…
Oh yes, which words to use…
We did nearly the same in September, only Rich’s dad had made his own casket several years before he died. He figured if his wife died first, he would make one for her then. They stored the casket in the spare bathroom. It was weird and totally creepy to see it. And yet, I surprised myself by sobbing the first time I walked in to see it gone.
Hope in the resurrection keeps me going – especially watching Rich’s mom go down hill a little everyday because of Alzheimer’s.
Praying and waiting with hopeful anticipation! {hugs}
Thank you for sharing this tender loss and life experience with all of us. It was read with reverence and sympathy. I am quite sure with that great family of yours and such a faith as yours there is much comfort all around you. My heart goes out especially to your mother and the children they were still raising at home. Much love, Sheila in MO.
That was a beautiful post, Kim. I read it aloud to John and I choked on my own memories as I did. I love the serving of his favorite foods. He was so young, you all were so young to lose him but how wonderful to have the memories.
I have no words to ease the sorrow. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
We are so sorry for your loss, Kim and family. We know the Lord is ministering to you.
God Bless.
Hi Kim,
Just wanted to let you know that we’re praying for you & your family.
He sounded like a man who loved his family very much, and will be leaving a big hole behind. Savor the memories, and keep him alive for your little ones. I bet your dad is up in heaven, with a grandbaby on each knee, showing them off to his parents.
May God’s peace surround you and may you feel our Heavenly Father’s arms around you right now.
Kelley
What a beautiful way to celebrate a wonderful life.
I am so sorry for your loss. He must have been a remarkable man to have raised you to be the caring person I read about here. My best to you and your family.
We are distant family.
Your father was my mothers first cousin.
My grandparents are your great Aunt Bev (Arlenes Sister) and Uncle Ray.
I want you to know that your father gave my mother faith. I am still to this day, amazed that even whilst dying, he took the time to comfort my mother and lead her to the Lord.
I am forever thankful.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. How wonderful to “know” where your dad is. I lost my dad at the age of 9 and sadly I don’t “know” where he is. I love the detail that you put in this post. All the tender love you and your famliy poured into his services.
I am praying that God will comfort you and your entire family.
What a fitting celebration of a life well lived. Thank you for allowing us to join in honoring him as you trust your heavenly Father to fill the gaps left in taking your earthly father.
What a wonderful way to honor your father. I love that the casket was hand-made with love and that you have a family burial plot on private land. This is so much more meaningful and special. Faith certainly heals. Come Thou Fount is one of my favorite hymns. What a beautiful and uplifting tribute. God bless you and all your loved ones!
I am so sorry for your loss, but thank you so much for sharing this. It was beautiful. Such a caring, thoughtful way of honoring your dad. May God bring comfort to you and yours.
I am so sorry for your loss. I just discovered your blog last week and have spent the weekend “getting to know your family”, so to speak. My heart is heavy for you, but at the same time what a beautiful post (this and the last one). It is so hard to say good-bye in this life that sometimes we forget that it really is just a “I’ll see you later”.
Prayers for you and your family!
Sorry to read about this difficult time in your family. You’re all in my prayers today.
We are so sorry to hear about the passing of your dad. I love the idea of having all his favorite foods. Thank you for posting the menu.
We will be praying for you guys.
All of this post is just beautiful. Truly. The camaraderie. The teamwork. The honoring. I love it all.
While I am very sorry for your loss, I am touched by your family- extended and all.
Praying!
in Him, GfG
Just know that many of us feel your pain, and have been there. 16 years since my dad died, and 11 since my mom. You haven’t lost him, ’cause you KNOW where he is! Praise God for his legacy!
Kim, this sounds like the right way to help finish our loved ones lives on the earth. I like how it was the family working together to walk through the early days of grief and sorrow. I read something recently that I loved and I thought you might like it.
What is Dying?
By Bishop Brent
A ship sails and I stand watching
til she fades on the horizon,
and someone at my side says,
“She is gone.”
Gone where?
Gone from my sight, that is all.
She is just as large as when I saw her…
The diminished size and total loss of sight
is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
“She is gone,”
there are others who are watching her coming,
and other voices take up a glad shout,
“Here she comes!”
…and that is dying.
your post, tho painful in subject matter, was heartwarming. your father has left a wonderful legacy, inspiring those he never even met. praying for comfort.~hugs
Kim,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I buried my mother just a year ago, at the age of 56. The pain is still fresh and your words resonated with my heart as I read them. Bless you during this time. I have learned I will grieve for her forever. Until I am met up with her again in our Home someday.
Love and hugs,
Brandy
Dear Kim,
You describe a father with a great legacy in his family. Thank you for being so open in all your life events.
Hello Kim,
I wanted to wish you and your family much strength in the Lord in this time. My own father passed away just a month ago, and though the grief is still fresh there is also great joy and comfort in knowing my dad is with his dear Saviour. I’m thankful to hear that you and your whole family can rest in the same comfort!
Uplifting you all in our prayers!
I love the comfort of knowing he (and the others) are in your family cemetery. My oldest son and his wife live in Salado and have a family cemetery on thier land. Her father was laid to rest there a few years ago. It brings them great comfort to walk over and ‘talk’ to him.
My prayers are with all of you.
Tears are flowing after reading “Burying Dad.” I am so sorry for your loss. I have never known anyone to build a casket, but what a beautiful act of love that was. And I had to laugh when I saw your dad’s favorite music was Tom Petty, but after seeing the pictures it looks like it would fit him. Tom Petty is one of my favorites too.
My mother-in-law passed away four years ago. We still talk about her, her likes and dislikes, her funny ways, her good cooking, and the love and encouragement she gave us. She is still very much a part of the family, just not with us at the moment.
My condolences to you and your family. Yes, losing a parent(s) brings back many memories, laughter and tears. My Dad died unexpectedly in June ’10, and Mom in Dec. Changes, indeed! But, we know where they are, and they lived a good long life. (Dad was 87, Mom 88)
I am so sorry about your loss, Kim. I think it is just beautiful the way you are honoring your dad. God bless.
My thoughts are with you. I just lost my dad this month, March 6th. He was 71.
I’m sorry for your loss…and yet, how beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. I can only hope we could have our loved ones day with the same affection and beloved labor.