So…today is Friday, and I guess it’s time to publish my regularly scheduled 4 Moms post which I was supposed to publish yesterday.  This time I have something fun and special for you: these questions will be answered not from a mom’s perspective, but from that of my daughter Deanna who also blogs at Confessions of a Bibliophile.  Like me, she grew up as the oldest child in a very large family.  Like me, she thinks her extensive experience as a big sister has taught her a thing or two about mothering too.

Just in case you’re wondering, the fact that I didn’t make time to write a post of my own has absolutely nothing to do with my decision to let Deanna answer some questions here.  Well, maybe just a little.  OK, I admit it: her email to me containing her answers to the two questions below totally made the decision for me.

Good books to read to the 4 and under crowd that aren’t too annoying for mom to read?

Two questions from Missy:

how to deal with personal space issues with a 4 year old boy? — meaning that he is always touching other people or being far too close to their face when talking to them (and there is no eye sight or hearing issues).

Also, how do you deal with the “potty talk”?? – I try to be on top of it, and when we are at home with just us it is not too bad, but when he is around his friends it is all the time.

Missy, I’m putting your questions together because my answer to both is basically the same: I just talk frankly to my kids, right from the start.  When it comes to personal space, we sometimes tell them that we love them but we need a little breathing room.  We often kindly say things like,

“You need to move back a little.  It’s rude to be so close to somebody’s face.”

“You need to sit in your own seat, please.  I love you, but don’t lean on me.”

“Step back while you are talking to ___ and look at his eyes.  That’s being polite.”

If it’s done kindly and without making a scene, these corrections can take place openly with very young children.  You are not disciplining for sins; you are training your child in social customs, much like reminding a child to put his napkin in his lap at the table.  If you act very embarrassed, he might be embarrassed too (along with his victim), but if you are just offering a point of information everyone will be more comfortable.

Potty talk is similar, although I’m far less concerned about embarrassing the offender.  If he has already been instructed at home that potty talk is not appropriate, I have no hesitation about correcting him in front of his friends.  If his friends are taking part, I might even ask them if their parents approve of that sort of talk.  There’s a good chance I know their parents pretty well, and their answers are going to sound a lot like mine.

From Leigh: what immediate discipline tactics do you use for non compliance? I am running out of ideas and my kids (5 2-10) never do as they are told without severe consequences by which stage everyone is angry!!

Leigh, your question makes it sound like you are waiting until you are angry to get serious about dealing with non compliance.  If immediate consequences are too mild to get the children’s attention, then they will carry on until you cross out of their personal comfort zones.  Worse still, when you do get serious enough get their attention they will think they are only being punished because they made Mom mad.  They might logically conclude that it’s OK to disobey if they can do it without upsetting you.

This doesn’t mean you chase them around with a big stick at the first sign of disobedience, but it does mean that the line between acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior needs to be crystal clear.

Just as important: kids need to understand that parents’ authority flows from God.  When I correct a little one, I nearly always come at it from that direction:

“I told you to do ____.  Did you obey me?  God tells you to obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right (Eph. 6:1).  Did you obey God?  First we need to pray for God to forgive you because you didn’t obey your parents, then you need to ask me to forgive you because you didn’t do ____.”  If there is a third party, she’ll need to ask forgiveness from them too.

Dealing with even small sins this way can help impress upon them the fact that God takes all sins seriously, and failing to obey parents is also an affront to God.

Rachel asked, What are some life savers/tips/tricks of the trade for families/Moms of several kids????

What a fun question!  I can’t wait to see tips from other moms in the comments!

Here are a few that come to mind for me:

1. Socks are consumable.  Let go of the guilt, throw away the odd ones, and just buy more.
2. Baths and mopping should happen on an as-needed basis.  Don’t worry; they WILL be needed.
3. Need to leave the house early in the morning?  Let the kids sleep in clean clothes, and do their hair the night before.  You’ll need to freshen braids or ponies, but it’s much easier than fighting tangles and starting from scratch.
4. Tuck a spare diaper or two and a small pack of wipes under the liner of the baby’s carseat.  If you ever forget or lose your diaper bag, you’ll have an emergency backup.
5. Your phone alarm: learn it, love it, live it.  Mine goes off at noon to ask if I know what’s for dinner tonight.  It goes off at 9 AM to remind me to inspect bedrooms.  It goes off at 9:15 on Sunday morning to remind us that it’s almost time to leave for church so we’d better hurry.  It also goes off 2 hours before any appointments just in case I forgot.  I have a friend who uses hers to remind the kids to do their chores, feed and care for various pets at various times of day, etc.
6. Kids love money.  Enlist your army at bargain wages to find lost items, swat flies, do extra chores around the house.  Be charmed by their gratitude, but beware inflation: if you pay too generously once, they’ll never again be satisfied with their former wages.
7. Learn to handle two grocery carts.  It’s not as hard as it sounds, and the skill that will serve you well.
8. Don’t stretch your whole family out in one pew at church.  Put half of the kids directly in front of mom and dad, with the rest on either side of you.  Now everyone is within pinching distance.  ;)

How would you answer these questions?  See what questions the other moms are answering today:

• Smockity Frocks
• Raising Olives (currently posting once/month)
• The Common Room 

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

Does that sound impossible?  This is one of the big questions about homeschooling: is a child limited by the parents’ knowledge?

Not at all.

There are many answers to this question, but I’m going to focus on just one today, because I feel it strikes deeply at the heart of the question.  [If you'd like a more in-depth answer, you might want to look at this post and the discussion that followed in the comments: What do you do when the children need to learn subjects you can’t teach?]

One of the goals of education is – or should be – to teach a child how to learn.  An educated person should be able to learn independently.  If we are entirely dependent on teachers to personally spoon feed knowledge to us, how will we ever progress beyond the point at which we leave school?  Have you learned nothing since the day you graduated high school or college?

Just think about this:  Of course a child isn’t expected to learn to read on his own, but once you have taught him to read his teacher can be any author in the world, even one who died thousands of years ago!

As a homeschooled student, I was able to teach myself many subjects that were unfamiliar to my parents.  If I ran into problems with one book, I learned to check alternate resources until I understood.  This not only let me keep learning when I passed my parents in those particular subjects, but also left them free to work with the younger ones who needed more attention.

This approach may not work for every student and it may not be optimal for every learning style, but it’s definitely a valid approach.  I was a mature, highly self-motivated child, and I thrived in this state of independence.  Less motivated students may need more encouragement and one-on-one time – but a little character training might help, too.  Not everyone enjoys this sort of independence, but as we mature we should be able to work independently when necessary.  A child who requires constant prodding, oversight, and spoon-fed knowledge is not prepared to function in the “real” world as an adult.

They haven’t studied Latin or calculus, but all of my older children have skills and knowledge that are different or beyond my own in certain areas.  Some of my younger children do, too.  They are hardly limited by my knowledge.

Oh, and if they do study Latin or calculus, I can help them.  I learned those on my own. [confession: I learned them 25 years ago.  I remember little Latin and far less calculus, but I know they're in my  head somewhere.]

How would you answer this question?  See how the other moms did:

• Smockity Frocks
• Raising Olives (currently posting once/month)
• The Common Room 

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

Happy Thursday, friends!  Our family is nearly at the end of our media fast, so I hope to chat with you in the comments soon.  It’s been a crazy couple of weeks!  In the meantime, I’m just here to answer a few questions from Facebook for this week’s 4 Moms post.

Heather asked,

How do your children entertain friends? Our kids would like to have a friend over once in a while but with seven kids, one shared family room, and two kids’ bedrooms, there really isn’t a quiet space for them to talk, play a game, or anything else. Keep in mind that outside isn’t always an option as it’s snowy and cold here 6 months of the year.

Heather, we have a couple of different goals when our kids have a friend over.  First, while I understand that one particular child may have a special relationship with a guest, we still consider the newcomer to be more a guest of our family than of just one child.  I don’t want any of my children selfishly laying claim to a guest as though that person were a toy to be squabbled over.  We all do our best to accommodate and entertain our guests, recognizing that one or two of us may be better suited to that task depending on who has come to visit.

That’s not to say that a guest should be constantly inundated with chatter from seven people all at once.  That just doesn’t sound like fun for the visitor, does it?  We still need to exercise some courtesy and give them a little space – something we should already be doing for one another as well.  If 2 or 3 people are playing a game, 3 more shouldn’t demand to be included and overwhelm the activity that was already happening.  But they might quietly watch, or sit nearby and join in the conversation.

Secondly, I want my children to self-consciously include their siblings when they are playing with a friend.  They all know what the word “exclude” means, because they have all been admonished not to exclude one another from their games.  Too often the older ones want to exclude the younger ones, or the one who is entertaining a friend wants to exclude the siblings.  It saddens me when loyalties run in just one direction, because this really isn’t loyalty at all, and it’s not loving your neighbor as yourself.  It’s exactly the sort of favoritism (or partiality) warned against in the Bible.

As mentioned above, this doesn’t mean that anyone and everyone can demand to be included in whatever is happening at the moment.  What it means is that courtesy is a two-way street.  Like the right-of-way when driving, courtesy is to be given, not taken.

To give a more concrete answer to Heather’s question, entertaining a friend in a small house might look something like this for us:

7yo neighbor girl arrives to play with our 8yo girl.  First, everyone gathers round to greet her and chat for a few minutes.  Then the older ones go about their business, while the neighbor plays with our 8yo girl, 4yo girl (because she is inseparable from her sister), and our 6yo boy.  Our 2yob hangs around watching.  After a bit, the three girls want to play with dolls and migrate quietly toward a corner of the living room.  I encourage the rambunctious boys to go play in their room or color at the table for a bit, because they’re not interested in playing dolls and have been reduced to annoying the girls.  A little later, our guest wants to play a game of cards, so some of the older children might join in, while the younger ones sit on laps and “help” play in teams.

I guess part of the key here is that I don’t think friends need solitude to enjoy each other’s company.  A quiet corner of the room is sometimes nice, but they don’t need an entire room.  As a big family in a small house, we learned to share our spaces very well, and never found it too hard to share with an additional guest (or 10).

Gencie Todd asked,

I have a question for Kim C: Do you always carry a gun? What safety measures do you take, surrounded all day by young children? My husband and I are thinking more about getting a handgun. We don’t own one now, and the thought of it makes me very nervous, as children are curious and accidents happen.

Gencie,

I carry almost any time I leave the house, and often around the house as well.  I wear a bellyband, with my gun in the back securely against my body.  This lets me nurse a baby, use the bathroom, carry a toddler on my hip, even change clothes without ever removing it.  I never take it off and set it down anywhere, because I know that there is a chance I might someday forget to pick it up again.  I never carry in my purse, where it could easily be snatched or set down unattended.  I either wear it or put it away.

That is one side of gun safety.  The other side is making sure your children are educated.  Even our very young ones know not to touch a gun, though I know even the best-behaved child will sometimes disobey, which is why I take such precautions with my own gun.  Everyone down to the 2yo has fired a gun (with appropriate levels of help and oversight), because we want them to understand the amount of power these objects possess.  We want them to have a healthy amount of respect and even fear, much like they should have for a big scary kitchen knife.  Having fired a real gun makes it far less likely that a child will think of a gun as a toy – especially if you’re using something with a lot of noise and recoil.

And right from the beginning, our children are learning the 4 Rules of Gun Safety.  Do you know them?  Be sure to learn them before you bring a gun into your house, and teach your children.  There are many versions, but here’s how I learned them from my dad:

1. All guns are always loaded.  Even if you just unloaded it yourself, or saw someone unload it.  Many accidents happen with “unloaded” guns.
2. Keep your finger off the trigger until you are ready to shoot.  Even with unloaded guns.
3. Always point your gun in a safe direction.  Even when it’s unloaded.  Don’t wave the muzzle about carelessly.  Remember, all guns are always loaded.
4. Never point your gun at anything you are not prepared to destroy.  Alternately, Know your target and what is beyond.  Or, Never shoot at a sound or a shadow.

Another question from Gencie Todd:
If you nursed your babies, how and when did you wean?

I’m answering this one because it’s easy.  Here’s why it’s easy: because I answered it in depth in a past post.  :)  Weaning a Baby

But to make it easy for you, here it is in a nutshell:  I breastfed all my babies so far.  One is only 5 months old, so he’s still going strong.  In 8 out 10, weaning was a sort of joint agreement.  They began to lose interest and I was happy to let them eat more solid food and nurse less until we both entirely forgot about nursing.  Those 8 were weaned anywhere from 12-20 months old.

In two cases, my sweet nursing baby began to transform into a demanding toddler who wanted to be nursed RIGHT NOW and didn’t deal well with delays.  Those children were gently but firmly weaned some time after their first birthdays (around 14-16 months, I think) primarily by breaking their schedules up a bit: I purposely delayed the first morning feeding by distracting them with food or a cup of milk; I nursed them a half hour before bed instead of just before bedtime, etc.  When they learned not to expect feedings at a concrete time, it became much easier to fill them up on solid food and drinks and entirely skip feedings, and over the course of a few weeks they were painlessly weaned.

Trisha Fleitz Truman:

What are your favorite non-fiction books?

Gencie Todd:

And parenting books?

Gencie’s question is easy, because aside from the Bible I have one big favorite that I recommend to all parents: Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp.  I love that the author constantly reminds parents to keep the goal in sight: not well-behaved children, but Christians who live to glorify God.  We don’t punish our children so they will be scared to disobey again; we discipline or disciple them to follow Christ.  This means making sure we get to the root of the sin, rather than just dealing with outward behavior which can create little Pharisees.  To do this, we need to engage our children and know their hearts and minds so we can understand how they think and feel, and what motivates their actions.

Trisha’s question is much harder.  If I try to give my Top Ten list, I know the instant I hit the Publish button I’ll think of 30 other books I should have named instead.  I’ll still try, but this list expires in 10 minutes so by the time you see it, it will no longer apply.  Fair?

Kim’s 10 Favorite Non-Fiction Books, besides the Bible.  duh.

1. Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.  This was a small book that kept me thinking for years.  I would love to read it again.
2. Economics in One Lesson by Harry Hazlitt.  I felt so smart when I read this book in 10th grade. I have loved it ever since and think everyone in America should read it, starting with President Obama and our Congress.
3. Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. This one revolutionized the way Perry and I saw and managed money.  We still do a lot of stupid stuff, but now we know when we’re being stupid.
4. Tightwad Gazette by Amy Dacyzyn.  I grew up poor, but Amy’s classic taught me plenty of new tricks.  She also taught me that I wasn’t alone, and being frugal could be cool and respectable – or at least that we were in good enough company that we didn’t need to worry about what others thought of our frugal ways.
5. 75 Bible Questions Your Instructors Pray You Won’t Ask by Gary North.  I don’t agree with everything Gary North does or writes and neither did my dad, but Dad assigned this to me in 7th or 8th grade.  It was the first theology book I ever read and was my first formal exposure to Reformed theology many long years ago.  It’s now available as a free pdf. 
6. Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook.  You know the one with the red and white checked cover?  I received my copy as a wedding gift over 20 years ago and many of my favorite recipes originated here.  My girls have learned to cook largely from the same copy.
7. The 3 R’s by Ruth Beechick.  This book greatly influenced the way I viewed education.
8. Five in a Row by Jane Lambert.  Like #7 above, this contributed greatly to the way we have done school over the years, even as our children got much older.  We didn’t do it exactly as we did when they were young, of course, but adapted and adjusted to their growing abilities.
9. The Fruit of Her Hands by Nancy Wilson.  I used to keep this by my bedside and read bits whenever I felt I was struggling as a young wife.
10. The Self-Calmed Baby.  I learned a lot from this book as a new mother, and largely give this book credit for my mostly-happy, content babies who slept through the night at early ages.  I blame myself for the others.

It’s worth noting that while I still own most or all of these books, I haven’t read most of them in years.  These are not necessarily my top recommendations.  I put them on my list because they influenced me heavily as a young adult and have continued to do so even many years after I read and digested them.

How would you answer the questions above?

Did I answer your question?  Maybe one of the other moms did:

• Smockity Frocks
• Raising Olives (currently only posting once/month)
• The Common Room 

Recent topics:

• February 21 - 4 Moms Q&A: bedrooms and bedtime
• February 14 - 4 Moms: Valentine’s Day recipes and a story {linky}
• February 7 - 4 Moms: the daily schedule

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

Hadley posted several questions on the 4 Moms 35 Kids facebook page, and I’m going to tackle them all at once.  Here goes!

What is your response to “Do you know what causes all those kids?” I had my first total stranger ask me that, and I only have 4 so far!

I’ve only had this question a few times, but I think it opens up all kinds of possibilities, most of which should embarrass the inquirer far more than their intended victim.

“Of course.  Don’t you?”

“Yes, we enjoy it!”

“No, do you?”

“Well, that’s why we got married.”

Perry likes to answer, “Yes, I keep telling her not to wash our underwear together but she keeps forgetting!”

Where do you keep all the toys? Even keeping them pretty well pared down (we only have “sets” like cars, blocks, trains, dolls, polly pocket, etc. and one small basket of “misc” with things like a doctor kit, binoculars, and other random things), but we can destroy a whole house!

We special in household destruction, but we’re getting better.  As the average age of our household occupants increases, we have less and less toys, and nobody complains or acts deprived.  Ours are currently sorted into sets and most are restricted to a single room.  That room is usually a mess, but it’s fast and easy to put it back in order since everything is still within a few feet of where it belongs.  A few special toys live in bedrooms, like dolls and other items that the owner doesn’t want to share with the general public.

If you still feel it’s too much, you might want to start rotating sets.  For example, have just one or two bins accessible at a time, with the rest out of sight and mind.  Switch them out every week or month to keep things interesting.  Or cut down on the number of pieces in each set.  Our boys have about 40 Hot Wheels cars, but can’t play with more than 2 or 3 at a time, so I suspect 25 could disappear and never be missed!

Those of you with all girls and just one boy, does the boy have his own room? At what age do you think they are too old to share rooms with the opposite sex?

Our boys have a separate room now, but in our previous house 6yo Perry shared with his sisters.  I think the answer depends on too many factors to list, but I’ll tell you some of the questions I would ask myself:

1. Do any of the children feel awkward about it?
2. Can they dress privately?  Ours used the bathroom, laundry room, or locked the bedroom door.
3. Do any of the children have a history of inappropriate behavior or excessive curiosity?
4. Has the boy reached puberty yet?

Ultimately it’s a judgment call, but if you have misgivings don’t be afraid to think outside the box.  A single boy in a house full of girls could sleep on a comfy sofa or futon in the living room, in a room too small to be a “real” bedroom, or in a tent on the back porch.  I’m just kidding about that last bit – unless your son loves the idea.  Then I’m totally serious.

How do you keep homeschool stuff from overtaking your house?

I keep very little paperwork from years past.  Some things are preserved digitally rather than in hard copy, and we make a fun ritual of allowing the kids to shred (and occasionally burn) finished workbooks, etc.

When it comes to curricula, I try to purge anything we’re not using or planning to use soon.  Anything that can be sold used online can also be bought used online: the main difference is money in my pocket and space on my shelves – plus the option to change course.  I do regret selling my old copy of Five In A Row volume 1, because it’s now a high-priced collector’s item.  Rats.

Do your kids have their own little spaces for doing their independent school work? My 3rd grader can’t deal with a lot of commotion while she’s doing work that requires concentration.

My kids don’t each have their own special place, but they do have some options when they need quiet.  I try to keep the main living areas serene during school time, so little ones and other loud people are either outside or in the sun room.  If someone is having a particularly hard time concentrating, they are sometimes allowed to listen to music with both earbuds (a special privilege in our house) as long as they make good progress while doing so.  They can also go work in their bedroom, though they might have to share it with another occupant who is also seeking solace.  I have also been known to allow kids to do school in my bedroom, and that is the standard place for reading lessons.

It’s worth mentioning that if the same person is consistently complaining about minor commotion and low-level disturbances, I remind her that she is a member of a large family and needs to learn to operate with some noise in the background.  This is a valuable real-world skill that those poor public schoolers miss out on.  :)

Do you serve snacks? When and what?

We have tightened up our food policy considerably since we moved into our new house.  The goal is not to starve our children, but to keep food where it belongs (in the eating areas) and to have beginnings and endings to eating sessions so that the mess can actually be cleaned up in between times.  This is a lofty goal in a house of 12, but it’s working quite nicely.

I usually serve an afternoon snack to anyone who is hungry, which may or may not be everyone in the house.  Much depends on how hearty our lunch was.  The snack is usually the same for everyone, but this is not a hard fast rule.  Snacks may be any of the following:

• leftovers
• a piece of fruit
• carrot sticks w/ranch dressing
• peanut butter and jelly rollups (tortillas) or cheese quesadillas
• banana bread w/pb or other healthy treats baked ahead of time
• fresh baked bread that we intended to serve with dinner
• animal crackers and peanut butter
• a great idea that just occurred to someone on the spur of the moment (“Hey, let’s make a coffee cake out of the leftover oatmeal!”)
• a craving that overpowered someone (“I NEEEEED brownies!”)
• that last bit of dessert from last night, divided 10 ways

I mentioned that we’re not aiming to starve our children, and you’re probably wondering what we do about kids who are hungry between meals and snack time.  My answer is twofold:

1. If you’re hungry already, you probably didn’t eat enough at the last meal.  Next time remember to ask for more!
2. Drink some milk.  It has protein, fat and carbohydrates.  It’s food and drink at the same time!  Don’t want milk?  You’re probably not as hungry as you think you are.  (This works in our house because everyone likes milk. YMMV)

How would you answer the questions above?

Did I answer your question?  Maybe one of the other moms did:

• Smockity Frocks
• Raising Olives
• The Common Room 

Recent topics:

• February 21 - 4 Moms Q&A: bedrooms and bedtime
• February 14 - 4 Moms: Valentine’s Day recipes and a story {linky}
• February 7 - 4 Moms: the daily schedule

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

We have not been in exactly this situation, because I was much less clear on what I wanted, but I can sympathize with the question.  Rather than answer the question directly, I’d like to just tell a story from our past.  There are some bits of advice to take away from it, and maybe God will use our experience to help others through those early years of Short People Overload.

When Perry and I were first married, neither of us had put a lot of thought into family planning.  We both came from large families and wanted a larger-than-average number of children.  Maybe 5 or 6?  We didn’t have a problem with birth control, but we didn’t feel it was necessary to plan ahead right then.  We were newlyweds and had better things to think about!

Children began arriving quickly, and we were thrilled.  Our first was just a few weeks old on our first anniversary.  Our second was born 21 months later, and our third 19 months after that.  Then the in-laws moved 1,000 miles away, our church dissolved in a nasty mess, and our fourth was born.  Our oldest was 4, and we suddenly felt in over our heads.  How much longer could we keep this up?  We were 25yo, with lots of child-bearing years ahead.

We began to talk about family planning.   We knew that hormonal methods are known to cause early abortions, but we weren’t talking about those methods.  We talked more about the reasoning and philosophy behind birth control, and found that we disagreed.

He felt that we had been fruitful.  We had 4 children already, and it would be nice to have an empty nest when we hit our 50′s.  We could travel, work as a team driving an 18 wheeler, enjoy the grandchildren, enjoy some freedom in our peak earning years.  Besides, pregnancy was hard on me and he knew I was having a hard time just handling every day life.  Nearly everyone we knew would back us in the decision.

I had already become convinced that it would be wrong, but I was overwhelmed.  I was not looking forward to 10 more years of morning sickness, 5 or 6 months at a time.  I was exhausted, stressed, and appreciated his desire to lighten my load.  And being familiar with Ephesians 6, I knew that it was his job to lead and mine to follow when it came to making decisions.  He wasn’t asking or requiring me to sin, although I believed that what he was contemplating would be sin for himself.  I had done my bit and warned him of what my conscience told me.  Now the decision was his, and I thought I really wouldn’t mind if he made the “wrong” choice.

Did I pray for God to change his mind?  Probably not.  I don’t remember, so if I did it must have been without any fervor.

Did I make multiple appeals to my husband?  Only enough to assuage my own conscience.  I made sure to state my convictions any time the subject came up, but I was determined not to nag about it.  I didn’t even bring it up at all.  If only I had such determination to avoid nagging in other cases!

I wasn’t entirely convinced that I was right and he was wrong.  Maybe I was hoping it was the other way around.  But I do remember praying that God would make the answer clear to both of us, and that is what He did.

After the decision was made and seemed a forgone conclusion, Perry just changed his mind.  He decided that he couldn’t do it in clear conscience after all.  We were intimidated by what the future might hold for us, but we were both willing to trust God and take one day at a time. I thank God every day for directing us down this path.  I can’t imagine walking it without our 11 children! How would you answer this question?  How did the other 3 Moms answer?

• Smockity Frocks
• Raising Olives
• The Common Room 

Recent topics:

• February 21 - 4 Moms Q&A: bedrooms and bedtime
• February 14 - 4 Moms: Valentine’s Day recipes and a story {linky}
• February 7 - 4 Moms: the daily schedule

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

Today is Q&A with the 4 Moms, and like last week we are all taking questions from the 4 Moms facebook page.  Here are the ones I chose to answer today.

From Elizabeth:

This may sound silly, but how do you know how much food to make to feed everyone?

I don’t think it’s a silly question at all!  Answering that question is both an art and a science.  It’s an art because it’s always changing and depends on how everyone feels at the moment.  It’s a science because if you get it wrong, you’re likely to end up wasting money.

I start by looking at the number of servings a recipe claims to make, but that’s only a starting point.  Then I ask myself how much we will enjoy what I’m making, how hungry people are likely to be today, and which would be worse: running short or making too much?  For us, that largely depends on how many leftovers I already have in the fridge.

For our family of 12, I usually aim for about 16 servings.  Some of us are small, but we’re hearty eaters on the whole.  The baby doesn’t eat solid food at all, but I eat extra for him.   Twelve servings would probably be enough for us, but we depend heavily on leftovers for lunches and snacks, so I’d much rather have too much than not enough – but not so much that it goes bad in the fridge waiting for its turn.

From Sarah:

Do any of you have kids that whine excessively? No matter what I do or try to take away or reason, my 6(almost 7)year old whines about EVERYTHING. Doing school, chores, eating, etc. he knows whining will not get him the results he wants. He seems to be fine with that as long as he can whine. We even instituted a zero tolerance no whine policy. If he whines for something it is automatically denied. If he whines about doing something we make him start again minus the whine. Is this just a phase?? Any ideas?? Help!!

Sarah, I think you’re on the right track with the Automatic No policy.  How long have you been responding that way, and have you been doing it consistently?  There is a learning curve, so maybe he’s still testing your resolve.

I would also make him memorize some verses about complaining and grumbling (because that’s what whining is), and have him recite them whenever he is guilty.  Here’s one to get you started:

Philippians 2:14-15

 From Donna:

I have one daughter. I would love more kids, but my husband isn’t as enthusiastic. We have had 2 miscarriages one before and one after our daughter. Since my husband doesn’t really want more kids (and it gets harder to imagine starting over since my daughter is 6.5) fertility doctors etc is not going to happen. Have any of you had difficulty getting pregnant? Has your husband ever wanted to stop having kids before you were ready? And a questions that may be hard for you to answer, but i get comments about the fact that I have only one (kinda like your comments about too many) and I don’t want to explain all the above, but the comments are hurtful. Any great response. I usually say that she is all God blessed us with, but I still feel hurt in the end.

Donna, I’m just going to tackle your last question. You seem to recognize that you are in a similar boat to us moms of many, and I think that’s a great way to look at it.  We could easily be hurt by many of the questions and comments we receive, but what good would that do?  I know it isn’t always easy, but I would say you need to work on being less easily offended.  You give a great answer: She is all God blessed you with.  You could even add, “I would love to have more, but it didn’t happen for me.”  There’s no need to share all the details, but stopping at one was not your decision and I think it’s important to tell this to people who inquire.

Children simply are not valued in our society, and when people assume that a mother of one didn’t want more, they are right 99% of the time.  The fact that you wanted more is an important witness to those around you.  Try to welcome the questions and comments as a chance to give glory to God.  You don’t have a large entourage of children to proclaim what a blessing they are, so use your mouth to do it!

From Jenny:

What do you do for lodging on long trips? Are there other options besides two hotel rooms? We’re getting ready to take our family of 10 on a 1200 mile trip to see family. Last time we made this trip we had 7 in the family and were able to find select hotels with rooms that had 3 double beds and then we put the baby in the pack ‘n play. Now the only options I can find have a limit of 8 people at the most.

Jenny, we rarely do hotels on our own dime, but this has occasionally been a problem for us in the past.  We have no problem squeezing a couple of extra small people into adult accomodations (e.g. 3 or 4 little ones in a full size bed) but many hotels specifically forbid having more than 6 people checked into a room.  Back when we had 5 children 6yo and under, we were forced to rent two rooms, then let one stand empty because we didn’t want to split up at night in a hotel.  So frustrating!

For us, it comes down to a decision of ethics: what does the form say when you check in?  If it’s worded so that I can sign it in clear conscience, we make do with what we feel we need.  If the restrictions are clear and unambiguous, we follow the rules.

How would you answer the questions above?

Did I answer your question?  Maybe one of the other moms did:

• Smockity Frocks
• Raising Olives
• The Common Room 

Recent topics:

• February 21 - 4 Moms Q&A: bedrooms and bedtime
• February 14 - 4 Moms: Valentine’s Day recipes and a story {linky}
• February 7 - 4 Moms: the daily schedule

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

When I was young, energetic and idealistic, I had a perfect schedule.  I and my 4 or 5 young children rose at the same time each morning, read a chapter of Proverbs, had breakfast and did chores, and started school at 9 sharp.  School consisted of a long list of perfectly coordinated age-appropriate activities for children with neatly brushed hair, while the baby happily played with educational toys in her high chair.

I don’t know how I did it, so don’t ask.

For many years after that, our schedule was in a constant state of flux.  I have learned to be flexible because otherwise I would have broken.  With more people in the house and ever-more-varied age spans, it was inevitable.  Living 50 miles from town made everything more of a challenge.

Now that we’re settling into a new home and a single errand no longer takes 3 hours, our life looks very different and we are finding that it has once again become a little easier to hold to a regular schedule, something we are working toward with a great deal of eagerness.

With that disclaimer in place, here is what we currently aim for on a typical day.  Some days may bear no resemblance to this, but it’s a rough draft and a work in progress.  While we rarely score a bull’s eye, we are usually somewhere on the paper.

6-7 AM – Rise & shine.  Get dressed.  Shower/coffee as necessary.  Older girls often work out or go for an early jog.  They often start breakfast while I feed the baby, shower, and read my Bible.

8 AM – Gather in the dining room to pray and read Proverbs before Dad leaves for work.

8:15 – 9 – Eat breakfast, do chores, clean bedrooms.

9 AM – Older people take turns with little ones (read aloud, school, play inside or outside), and work on their own school.  School begins with private Bible reading if not already done.  I always do reading lessons, but the older girls often help with other subjects.

12 PM – Lunch.  I try to feed the little ones before Dad comes home for lunch at 12:30.  This cuts down on commotion, since he has only 20-30 minutes at home.  I love that he can come home for lunch every day!

1-2 PM – Little ones play outside.  Big ones work on their own school if they didn’t finish earlier.

2-4 PM – Naps and/or quiet time for younger ones.

4 PM – Afternoon cleanup and dinner prep begin.

6:30 PM – Dinner, followed by a Psalm reading at the table.

7:30 PM – Evening cleanup, dishes, and little ones get ready for bed.  Perry and the older girls go to Krav Maga lessons 2 nights/week (plus Saturdays).  On the off nights, Perry and I have been going to a nearby gym for an exercise date.

8 PM – Bedtime for littles.  This starts with a bedtime story, so lights don’t go out until at least 8:30.

10 PM – Lights out for everyone.  Well, in theory.  We’re trying.  Some of us are trying.

Again, this is a rough outline of a typical day.  I mention cleanup three times because that’s when we do most of our chores, but there is also continuous cleaning happening.  I don’t know about your house, but we can completely trash ours in an hour if we’re not paying attention.  We could probably trash yours too.

I also don’t specify who does a lot of the work because while we each have specific chores, we all pitch in on most of what is mentioned above; I do more when I’m able, and less when the baby is especially cranky or I have errands to run.

I don’t mention free time, but trust me: it’s in there.  Lydia is working toward a goal of 100,000 pushups in 2013, and that takes time.  They all love to go to work with their dad.  They draw…

… ride bikes and scooters…

…catch up with their friends on Facebook, read, and act like rednecks in the front yard.  Think I’m joking?  Last week they were practicing how to break various choke holds in the front yard.

What does your current schedule look like?  How does it compare to what you think it should look like?

See what the other Moms say:

• Smockity Frocks
• Raising Olives
• The Common Room 

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• February 7 - Valentine’s Recipe
• February 14 - How do you teach your child to work hard with a happy attitude?
• February 21 - Q&A
• February 28 - How do you teach your kids to work independently?

Recent topics:

• January 24 - Q&A with the 4 Moms: lies, jealous toddlers, and why doesn’t anyone invite you to dinner?
• January 17 - 4 Moms: What do you do for your children, and what do they do for themselves?
• January 10 - I have neglected to  post on Thursdays for so long that I entirely forget to feel guilty
• January 3 -  Still slacking, but beginning to feel a little guilty
• December 27 -  I continue to be a slacker
• December 20 -  I become a slacker and whine my way out of posting
• December 13 - 4 Moms share Quick and Easy Holiday Recipes {linky}

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

Hip-Hip-Hooray for Q&A!  Here are my best answers to a few of the questions I received this week on the Life in a Shoe facebook page.  If you have better answers, please speak up because moms of many (and moms of any) need all the good advice we can get.

How do you handle lying?  Small dumb lies like sneaking snacks, or watching TV when not allowed.

I deal with it as two separate offenses, and make sure the offender understands that.  In your first example, the child is stealing food, which might even have been freely given if they asked.  I’m not sure if you are referring to the initial sneakiness as a lie, or if the child actually told a lie to cover her tracks.  Either way, I would remind them that they are not allowed to eat X without permission and here is the punishment for that.  Now, if the child told a lie or fabricated a cover (i.e. buried the snack wrapper deep in the trash or washed her own dish to hide the evidence) then I would deal with that as a separate crime.  ”You know the punishment for eating that without permission, but now you added another sin by lying.  Even if you didn’t lie with your mouth, you tried to make me think you didn’t eat that.  Your punishment for lying is…”

I make sure the punishment for lying is stiffer than the original offense, and remind them that if they had been honest about their offense their punishment would only have been ___, but because they lied they also have this punishment.  The lie didn’t help; it only made things worse.

I also remind them that God hates lying lips (Prov 12:22), and Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44).  If God is our Father, we should do our very best to act like Him and honor Him with our words.  And finally, I remind them it’s hard to trust someone who lies.  I don’t want to rub their noses in past sins, but if they begin to show a pattern of lying, I will have to wonder if they are lying even when they are telling the truth.  Neither of us wants that.

I do think it’s normal for very young children to “experiment” with lying as they learn about the difference between truth, lies, teasing, fiction, etc.  But I also think it is our duty as parents to quickly and compassionately teach them the difference.

What is the best and most consistent way to deal with whiners?

My favorite way is to plead deafness: “I can’t understand you when you talk in a whiny voice.  Say it again in a happy voice…Oh, I still can’t understand you.  Try again… Oh, now I understand!”

I think the key to this – as with any form of correction – is consistency.  [Sorry, Zoe.  That's all I've got, because it's all I need. ]

Oh – one other thing.  I might be stepping on a few toes, but I just have to voice one observation.  I have noticed many times that the worst whiners have mommies who speak in whiny voices, especially to their children.  Sometimes mommy isn’t being whiny, but she sure speaks in a whiny voice and her children can’t help but emulate her.  If you have persistent whiners, you might want to ask an honest friend for a frank opinion on the matter.

how do you help a very jealous toddler adjust to a new baby? this is one of our longest age gaps, but my 21m old is crying all the time, pulling at me, tantrums, etc ever since the baby was born 2 weeks ago.

When a new baby arrives, I do at least 3 things to head off jealousy and bad behavior:

1. See that the “old” baby still gets plenty of love and attention.  He’s going to be exceptionally needy just when you have less time for him, so do your best to reassure him by giving him as much attention as you can for a little while.  Enlist the help of other family members too.  Once he has adjusted to sharing you, he’ll become more independent again.
2. Include the toddler as much as possible in handling and caring for the new baby: let him hold the baby in his lap, kiss the baby’s head, bring you diapers and wipes, hold the baby’s hand during diaper changes, gently rock the baby’s seat, etc.  Even let him help hold your cover-up in place during feedings, if he wants to and if you are comfortable with that.  Do NOT shoo him away from the baby because you are afraid he might hurt him; show him how to be gentle.  Do everything you can to make him feel included and avoid making him feel excluded.
3. Address behavior issues promptly.  If you let him act up while you’re feeding the baby, he will quickly choose that as his favorite time to misbehave.  If he discovers that it’s easier to get away with bad behavior while the baby is crying, he will do exactly that.  He will test boundaries and he needs to know that all the old standards are still in place.  Deal with tantrums now just as you always have – or always meant to.  If you feel too tired/busy/sympathetic to do it now, just think how you’ll feel if you don’t nip this behavior in the bud.

See what the other Moms say:

• Smockity Frocks
• Raising Olives
• The Common Room 

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• January 31 - What does your daily schedule look like
• February 7 - Valentine’s Recipe
• February 14 - How do you teach your child to work hard with a happy attitude?
• February 21 - Q&A
• February 28 - How do you teach your kids to work independently?

Recent topics:

• January 17 - 4 Moms: What do you do for your children, and what do they do for themselves?
• January 10 - I have neglected to  post on Thursdays for so long that I entirely forget to feel guilty
• January 3 -  Still slacking, but beginning to feel a little guilty
• December 27 -  I continue to be a slacker
• December 20 -  I become a slacker
• December 13 - 4 Moms share Quick and Easy Holiday Recipes {linky}
• December 6 - 4 Moms Talk About Quick and Easy Holiday Crafts
• November 29 - 4 Moms Q&A: Christmas in the Coghlan house, etc.

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

This week we’re talking about teaching self-sufficiency and independence in children, but I think there’s something more.  This question strikes at the heart of the 4 Moms tagline: How Moms of Many Manage.  Let’s face it: if you do everything for your children, you are going to run yourself ragged with just one or two.  A mom who does everything for her children isn’t managing at all.  She is letting herself be managed by the children.

I know because I sometimes find myself doing this very thing.  It is frustrating and exhausting to me, but it’s also not kind to my children.  They get frustrated waiting on an overwhelmed mom to find time to do things that they could easily do for themselves, and they are helpless when mom is busy or unavailable.  See?  Not nice.

Some may say that this is a good reason to have just one or two children, but I disagree.  I think it’s good to foster independence in children, and having a larger family presents a constant reminder to do so.  We want to train our children to be adults, and learning to do things for oneself is an important step in the process.  This is one way we hope to avoid having a 30-something live in our basement and play video games all day while yelling at mom to bring him a sandwich.  Think I’m exaggerating?  I once met that guy.  I’m glad he wasn’t my son.

And so we teach our children to do things for themselves:

Hair

I brushed and styled all of the girls’ hair when they were little.  As they got older, I showed them how and required them to “brush” their own, then bring me the brush so I could check their work and style it for them.  Even when they couldn’t make a good job of it, it was important to me that they tried and began to realize that it would one day be their own responsibility.

Once they were able to do a good job brushing, they started trying to style their own hair.  Sometimes I would “smooth it out a little,” but they improved with practice and were eventually able to do their hair entirely on their own.  The age at which they reached each stage varies with each child’s relative maturity, level of interest, and the length, thickness and texture of her hair, but I generally expect a child to do a good job brushing her own hair by 7 or 8yo and do some simple styles (braid, pony or clip) by 9 or 10yo.

Baths

Unlike hair, safety is an issue when it comes to children bathing alone, so we take that into consideration.  I never, ever leave a baby or toddler unattended, and even a child who can wash herself effectively may be young enough to warrant heavy supervision.

Clothes

Here’s an area where we have some fun.  I love to let my little ones dress themselves as soon as they are able.  We fully expect them to come up with some crazy combinations, and they do not disappoint.  By 2 or 3, they are usually able to make a valiant attempt, and at 4 they are almost independent in this area though they still need help with certain shoes.  Oh – and it’s a good idea to make sure the 4yo is wearing undies each time you leave the house.

Food

I find that kids love to be self-sufficient when it comes to food.  It’s all I can do to keep the little ones from foraging for themselves instead of joining the family for regular mealtimes and snacks.  In our house, a 5yo can get a drink of water or make toast or pb&j for himself or a younger sibling.  I let them pour their own milk around 6 or 7yo – sooner if the jug is nearly empty.  I expect them to help with meal prep or even prepare very simple meals by the time they are 8 or 10, but this is not something I have to require: they are raring to go long before that, so the trick is to find age appropriate ways for younger ones to help.

With some oversight, a 7 or 8yo can cook scrambled eggs or oatmeal.  If reading proficiently, she can follow a simple recipe for muffins, banana bread, baked oatmeal, pancakes, etc.

Another advantage to encourage self-sufficiency in children: our children see an answer to the world’s question, “How do you do it?!”  Motherhood need not be an unbearable burden that crushes us beneath endless needs and demands.  It’s not the mom’s job to personally fill every need of her children every day; only to do her to best to see that they are filled.  One way we show our love is by teaching them to take care of themselves.

Of course there is no substitute for love and attention from Mom, and sometimes we do things with them and for them that they can do for themselves.  Incidentally, this is one way they show their love for us, too, like when Lydia brought me a freshly brewed cup of coffee a few minutes ago.  She’s my new favorite child.

See what the other Moms say:

• Smockity Frocks On Encouraging Self Sufficiency in Children
• Raising Olives
• The Common Room on 4 Moms, Children and Independence

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• January 24 - Q&A
• January 31 - What does your daily schedule look like
• February 7 - Valentine’s Recipe
• February 14 - How do you teach your child to work hard with a happy attitude?
• February 21 - Q&A
• February 28 - How do you teach your kids to work independently?

Recent topics:

• December 13 - 4 Moms share Quick and Easy Holiday Recipes {linky}
• December 6 - 4 Moms Talk About Quick and Easy Holiday Crafts
• November 29 - 4 Moms Q&A: Christmas in the Coghlan house, etc.

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

In light of the fact that:

a. I just had a baby, and

b. whenever we open the door to one of our vehicles, trash falls out faster than children,

I think this is a good week for me to skip the weekly 4 Moms post and just refer you to the wisdom of the remaining 3 Moms of many, whose vehicles probably stay far cleaner than mine even though one or two of them will try to tell you otherwise.

See what the other moms say:

• Raising Olives 
• Smockity Frocks
• The Common Room

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• November 1 - Q&A

Recent topics:

• October 18 - 4 Moms on Food Preservation
• October 11 - 4 Moms: Introducing kids to technology
• October 4 - Q&A with the 4 Moms
• September 27 - 4 Moms address biblical femininity and modesty in girls

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

Hurrah!  It’s Q&A week again, my favorite because I can pick and choose the easiest questions and pretend I didn’t hear the hard ones!

I jest, really.  I’m kidding!  I do try to choose questions where I actually have a clue, but I appreciate the hard ones as well because they make me think and examine myself and how I do things.

This week we’re busy packing and preparing for a move, so forgive me if I sound rushed or don’t answer quite as many questions as usual.  We still don’t have a closing date, although the lender indicated that this Friday sounded awfully ambitious.  It sounds like October 12 is more realistic.  He obviously forgot that we have a baby due on October 17.  Somebody should remind him.  Maybe he should read our blog.

1. Donna asked, Why have u and your girls chosen to wear skirts only. What biblically backs this decision?

We don’t wear only skirts.  We wear mostly skirts, most of the time.  I’ve posted about that decision here.

2. Elizabeth asked, How do you guys handle celebrating Halloween (or how do you not handle not celebrating it with family and friends that do)?

We simply skip it.  We sometimes attend Reformation parties, and sometimes just entirely ignore the fact that a large part of our culture is busy with a holiday.  It’s never been a big deal for us or our children, although we do enjoy the clearance prices on candy right after Halloween.  In the country, we never have trick-or-treaters anyway.

Since we’re expecting to move into the city before Halloween this year, the question has been raised by the children so I would love to hear how others handle the issue.  Do you just leave the porch light off?  Do you indulge the neighbors by passing out candy but don’t send your own children out?  Make plans to be gone?

3. Stephanie asked, What’s in your coffee cup?

I usually drink my coffee black, but I also love fancy froo-froo drinks, especially later in the morning or afternoon.  On a warm day, I love to whip up a pitcher of homemade Starbucks-style fraps to share with the older girls.  On cooler days, I sometimes make my own version of a latte: a mug of hot milk with a teaspoon of instant coffee plus some sugar and maybe a little additional flavoring.  If Perry makes the morning coffee too strong for my taste (or if I’m spending the day at Vision Forum, where the coffee is ALWAYS too strong), I use a 1/4 cup of coffee in my latte instead of the instant coffee.

What’s in your coffee cup?

Even better than what’s in my cup is what’s on my cup.  See?  This just makes my day every time I hold it!

4. Sophie asked, Jumping off the modesty questions you’ve been talking about lately, I was thrown by the wedding photos–I thought I recalled from an earlier post that you don’t wear sleeveless shirts outside the house, but then some of you were wearing sleeveless shirts in church. Am I remembering wrong, or have your standards changed, or…?

We don’t normally wear tank tops outside the house or other shirts with very narrow straps that are prone to show one’s bra straps.  Our general rule is that a top must reliably cover a normal bra and not threaten to reveal anything inappropriate if we carelessly bend over.  Oh, and if it’s so sheer or snug that the bra shows through, that’s not covered.

5. Alicia asked,  do you ever yell at your kiddos? if so do you go back & apologize? what’s an appropriate way to handle losing your temper w/your kiddos?

I do raise my voice occasionally, but I’m not much of a yeller.  Even so, they know when I’m angry, and I know whether I am feeling and handling my anger in a way that honors God.  As a parent, it is often my job to speak strongly to my children.  It is never my job to speak unkindly, though.  Even correction and discipline should be done in love and with the goal of leading our children toward obedience to God.  It’s OK to be angry at sin and foolishness (Psalm 4:4, Ephesians 4:26) but if I let my own irritation cause me to lose sight of that goal, I owe my kids an apology.

I am often slow to recognize my own failures, but when I realize that I’ve been unkind, unjust, or harsh with my kids, I go back to them as soon as possible and ask them to forgive me.  I make it clear that the correction itself was justified (if it was), but I handled it sinfully and set a bad example for them as well.  Speaking of which, I need to go talk to Rachael about my reaction when she rolled that watermelon off the counter this morning…

6. Lois asked, How are you all adjusting to having the biggest sister gone? How on earth are you managing to school your kids with a baby and a move on the way? Are you taking a break now from schooling, and you will catch up later? Are you getting enough rest? How can I best pray for your family during this time of many changes?

Wow.  Where do I start?  Having Deanna gone is not as different as you might think, for two reasons: the older girls very often go to work with their dad so it’s not uncommon for them to be gone a lot anyway, plus I still see Deanna about twice/week.  She and Tyler attend church with us.  Our church has a weekly fellowship meal, so we very nearly spend the entire day together and now that she’s a married woman she sits with the grownups during the meal.  :)

Since she lives just a few miles from Vision Forum (and our new house!) I also see her if I go into town.  Last week, she made me Pumpkin Spice Lattes on two different occasions.  :)  I expect to see her even more once we live so near her!

School, moving and baby prep are all reasonably low key right now so we just squeeze everything in wherever it fits and don’t worry about what we missed on any particular day.  As long as we make some progress on everything over the course of the week, I’m happy.

I’m trying to remember to take care of myself as my duedate approaches, and Perry and the girls are watching me like hawks.  My midwife strongly admonished me to stay right on top of my diet and hydration and never let myself get so tired that I fall into bed with these words on my lips: “Please, God, just let me get at least 5 hours of rest before I go into labor…”

Thank you for your prayers.  I think our biggest prayer right now is just that everything in front of us would go smoothly: the homebuying process, the move, labor & delivery with a strong healthy baby and mother at the end of it all.  We really don’t know how it will all play out and are taking it one day at a time.

7. Becky asked, How do you teach your daughters to control their emotions? How do you help your children overcome fears?

Similarly, Michelle asked, I too would like to know how you manage girl “drama” and how you teach your girls to function in a world of MEAN girls

With so many teen and preteen girls in the house, emotions are an ever-present issue.  We can’t begin to claim to have conquered this one, but I can tell you how we address it: just like anger or excessive crying in younger children, we admonish them to self-control.  There is no excuse for sin in our lives, and hormones are just one of the difficulties we will face as we get older.  We remind them that hormones may make it harder to be sweet and patient, but they do not excuse unkindness, a bad temper, or failure to control oneself.  Our emotional state may vary from one day or hour to the next, but God’s standard does not.  We must always treat one another with love, following the golden rule that sums up the last 6 of the 10 commandments.

I said this in a recent Q&A about dealing with an overly emotional little boy, but I think it applies to girls just as well:

While we as moms want to be gentle and understanding, we do not want our children to be ruled by their emotions.  Proverbs 25:28 says,  A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.

My basic response with either gender has been to admonish them to self control.  With a very little one, I would simply correct him in a firm voice: “No, that’s not a reason to cry.  You hush.”  With a 7yo, I would explain to them that falling into tears without a very good reason is very much like having a tantrum of sadness instead of anger.  It’s sin, and they need to work hard to control themselves just like they would if they had a bad temper.

Helping children overcome fears is done in much the same way.  I don’t deny their fear, but I do encourage them to trust God and not allow their fear to rule them.  We talk about the definition of courage and bravery: not fearlessness, but boldly facing what you fear.  It’s OK to be afraid of the dark, but we know that God is in the darkness just as He is in the light.  Even while we feel afraid, we can acknowledge that our fear is silly and unfounded.  I’m deathly afraid of ticks, but we live in deer country and we do see ticks.  I work hard to conquer that fear and calmly dispose of the horrible little brutes, setting a good example for little eyes around me.  I may be recoiling and shrieking on the inside, but I don’t want to let that fear rule me or pass my fear along to them.

8. Trisha asked a question near and dear to my heart: How do you control chaos and volume in your home? Seems like I have one toddler crying, one toddler hanging on my leg, two kids talking to me at the same time, one child singing loudly, etc. Are you able to control it, and if not, how do you stay sane?

I have a very low tolerance for chaos and volume, so being a mom of many has been a very sanctifying experience.  It doesn’t help that my own family is naturally very quiet and I married into a high-volume family.  :)

To a certain extent I have simply adjusted, but I haven’t entirely given up.  I do try to regulate noise levels, though they don’t always stay exactly where I would like.  It’s not unusual for me to say any or all of the following on a typical day:

“No, don’t talk to me while the baby is crying.  You need to wait.”

“Don’t make noise for no reason.  If you’re not talking to somebody, you need to hush.”

“Don’t talk louder than you need to.  Your sister is only 18 inches away from you, and I can hear you all the way over here.”

“Too loud, people.  Let’s have some quiet time now.  Everyone take a break from making noise.”

“OUTSIDE!”

9. Maryjo asked the inevitable, “what happened to your dogs?”

First, we found a new home for our Yorkie.  She desperately wanted to be somebody’s baby and nobody in our house wanted to mother her properly.  After 5 years, we decided she really deserved better and found her a new mommy who couldn’t wait to spoil her rotten.

Around the same time, our beloved Golden Retriever started showing signs of brain cancer, very common for the breed.  Medication controlled her frequent and severe seizures, but she soon became mentally unstable and aggressive toward our other pets.  Rather than wait for her to attack a child, we made the difficult decision to have her put down.

Finally, Lydia’s Australian Shepherd abruptly disappeared.  In spite of the fact that she wore tags and was microchipped, she simply disappeared without a trace.

And that’s it.  No dogs at the moment.  We’re considering what our next dog will be.  I’d like something that will work as a burglar alarm and a vacuum cleaner, preferably not too hairy or stinky.  We have fond memories of our Jack Russell terrier from many years ago.  We also really loved our Golden and are considering a Labrador Retriever as a less hairy version.  The decision is far from made, but I don’t like being without a dog.

10. Betsy asked, How do you keep a new baby safe from her older brothers? I have 3 little boys 4 and under and I’m expecting a baby this month. I’m a bit nervous about them hurting her (not intentionally, but just being crazy little boys!). I do plan on wearing her, but do you have any other pointers or ideas for when I’m not?

I like to conquer this stage very quickly by allowing the other children to interact with the new baby as much as possible.  I let them touch, kiss, and hold with supervision and they learn right away all the things they MUST NOT DO to baby, rather than stringing out these lessons over the course of 3 heartstopping months.  This way, they know within the first 2 days that they must NEVER put anything in baby’s mouth, or try to pick up baby without help, or move the baby’s seat, or put anything on top of the baby, or try to change the baby’s diaper…

Seriously, I think protecting a new baby too much from well-meaning older siblings also slows the learning process and increases the chance that 6 weeks later you’ll realize nobody has impressed upon the 3yo that the baby can NOT eat cheerios or drink chocolate milk from a sippy cup.  It’s easy to maintain constant direct supervision during those very early days while you are resting, but once you are “back on duty” there are simply going to be moments when your back is turned.  In my opinion, it’s much safer and easier to teach those lessons early than to try to catch the teachable moments when life is busier.

The other moms are taking questions too:

• Raising Olives 
• Smockity Frocks
• The Common Room

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• October 11 - Introducing kids to technology
• October 18 - Food preservation
• October 25 - How do you keep the car clean?
• November 1 - Q&A

Recent topics:

• September 27 - 4 Moms address biblical femininity and modesty in girls
• September 20 - Large Family Gift Guide by the 4 Moms
• September 13 - 4 Moms: Handling different standards between you and your husband

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

How providential that we are discussing this subject this week!  My friends the Botkins are doing a webinar on the closely related subject of Reclaiming Beauty, addressing the subject of beauty (and femininity, and modesty) from a Biblical perspective.

Last Tuesday was the first session and was open to the public, but it’s not too late to join.  Latecomers will still be able to access the session they missed, and all 7 weekly sessions are just $44/family.

Since we have 8 daughters (4 of them teens right now), this is a subject that is near and dear to our hearts.  We want our girls to glorify God in their bodies as well as their hearts, minds and spirits – and this does not mean they should dress as frumps.  In fact, I think it means very nearly the opposite.  We need to help them learn to dress beautifully but not in a way that is sexually alluring.  God made women to be beautiful and attractive to men, but admonished them to dress and behave with modesty and discretion.

^… likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works. ~I Timothy 2:9-10

Learning to combine these qualities is a delicate task, and one that requires a man’s input.

One of our readers recently commented that it was inappropriate for a father of teens to look at his teenage daughters and decide whether they are dressed “sexy” or “attractive.”

I believe an important part of a father’s role is to guide children, protecting them from their own childish ignorance and foolishness.  One way that a father of teen girls can do this is by encouraging them to dress modestly and teaching them how men and boys see them.  These are not things that a young woman or even an older woman knows instinctively, and a father does his daughters no favors if he is too prudish to address the subject.  Girls needs to understand that while they are not responsible for the thoughts and actions of others around them, they certainly do have the power to influence them.  They can make it easier or harder for the young men in their lives to think pure thoughts – or impure ones.  They can be instrumental in leading them into sin, or out of it.  The way they dress and conduct themselves can be a big factor.

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. ~Galatians 6:2

We don’t believe that femininity or modesty means a girl needs to be confined to the house, stitching samplers and learning to bake.  While cultural standards can be relevant, we try to work within the standards and definitions of the Bible, not those of the modern day – or the Victorian era.  The activities of the Proverbs 31 woman were home centered in their nature, but extended far beyond the physical boundaries of her house.

Our girls enjoy airsoft wars and shooting real guns, martial arts, hunting, and many other activities that take place outside the kitchen.  As they get older, our boys will be learning to cook and acquiring other indoor skills as well.  :)

We do believe that God created women to fulfill a different role than men, and we take joy in those differences.  We work to emphasize the distinctions between the roles as they arise in daily life – our boys open doors for girls, kill bugs for them, and carry heavy objects for them, even if the girls in question are stronger than the boys right now and less afraid of bugs.  Our girls do what they can to build up their brothers, encouraging them to act like men.

Biblical femininity and modesty are about far more than how we dress.  I would venture to say that the way we dress is just one outward sign of where our hearts lie – but it’s an important sign that communicates very clearly and deeply influences those around us.

See what the other moms say:

• Raising Olives 
• Smockity Frocks
• The Common Room

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• October 4 - Q&A
• October 11 - Introducing kids to technology
• October 18 - Food preservation
• October 25 - How do you keep the car clean?
• November 1 - Q&A

Recent topics:

• September 20 - Large Family Gift Guide by the 4 Moms
• September 13 - 4 Moms: Handling different standards between you and your husband

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics