It’s Q&A week with the 4 Moms, friends, and here are a few of the questions I received on the Life in a Shoe facebook page.  So sorry if I didn’t get to yours this time.  I’ll try to make time to answer more questions in a separate post soon!

1.  Jennifer asked, How hard was it going from having 1 child to having 2 kids? And was going from 2 to 3 easier then 1 to 2? thanks!

 Jennifer, I think this answer depends on a lot of factors: the mom’s temperament, the children’s temperament, lifestyle, etc.  But I think the biggest factor might be the time between your children.  For me, one and two children were easy.  Three was harder – many say that it’s the hardest – but four was the hardest for me.  I think that’s because mine were so very close together.  My oldest was only 4 when my 4th child was born.

My theory is that when a child reaches the age of about 5 years, they are old enough to become a net asset.  That’s not to say that they can take care of themselves, but they can help enough to make life easier rather than harder: they can dress themselves, get a glass of milk for themselves or their younger sibs, make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, wipe up a spill, start the DVD player…Oops – did I say that last one out loud?

That means that when your oldest turns 5, adding children to the mix will begin to get easier rather than harder.  You’ve reached something of a tipping point.  If you have 2 children by then, 3 children will seem a little easier when the time comes because you’ll have a helper that you didn’t have with 2 children.  If you have 3 children when your oldest turns 5, then 4 will seem easier.

Of course the age can and will vary from one child to the next depending on the child’s maturity level and how much is expected, but you really can expect it to get easier as time goes on.

2.  Josalyn asked,  How did you decide when to have another? And how did you decide a comfortable budget not a selfish one?

 Josalyn, I posted a few years ago about our position on birth control and a bit about how we arrived there, so the short answer is that we don’t decide: we self-consciously leave that to God.  Perry has a more detailed post about our journey but it’s not quite finished yet.  :)

Regarding the budget, we try to be good stewards of what God gives us, always tithing off the top and trying to provide for the future as well as taking care of current needs.   In the past, we had a more relaxed view of debt and often carried a credit card balance.  In recent years, we entirely got rid of the credit cards – even the “emergency” card.   Now we keep an emergency fund instead, and are working hard to pay off the modest mortgage on our home/land as well.

3.  Sara asked, Kimberly touched on this a couple of weeks ago, but I need ideas of things for my kids to do this summer! My oldest will be 8 yo, then we have a 6 yo, 4 yo, 3 yo, 1 1/2 yo and due in Sept. with baby 6! We need to increase our chore duties, but some other supervised ideas would be helpful! Thanks!

 Sara, we do a very relaxed school schedule year round so we don’t have to come up with ideas to keep busy during the summer.  :)  However, the kids do have a fair amount of free time every day, and once their chores are done here are some of the ways they spend it:

• Sewing
• Drawing
• Reading/researching a personal interest
• Playing games alone, with each other, or with me
• Water play, especially on hot summer days
• Forced labor*

Adrienne, I think being the second generation of a very big family gives me a huge advantage.  I have a very thick skin when it comes to those comments.  I have found that most comments come from people who mean well enough and may just be lacking in manners.  I answer pleasantly and positively and they just don’t bother me.  I often try to slip a little something meaningful into my answer:

Comment: You must be a lot more patient than I am.  I can hardly handle having one!

Answer: I wasn’t this patient when I had only one, but I think God uses kids to help teach us, too.  I’m still learning patience every day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comment: That’s a lot of kids.  Is it a religious thing?

Answer: Yes, we’re Christians.  The Bible teaches that kids are a blessing, so we’re thankful for each one God sends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comment: You have how many kids?!  Is this your last one?

Answer: We’ll see.  We believe kids are a blessing from God, so we’re happy to take them as He sends them.

Most of the time, people respond positively when I do – or I’m just naive and oblivious enough to think they are being positive.  Either way works for me.  :)

The rare negative comments that the kids hear may become the topic of conversation later, but again it just doesn’t occur to us to be hurt by the comments.  It goes something like this: “Better you than me.  I can hardly stand my own 2 kids!”  Kids whisper as we leave, “I feel so bad for that lady’s poor kids.  It doesn’t sound like she likes them at all!”

5.  Lindsey asked, What do you do with all the completed work? Workbooks? Artwork?

 Lindsey, maybe I’m a bad mom but we keep little or no schoolwork.  The kids think it’s fun to be allowed to toss or dramatically destroy finished workbooks, and I encourage it because it’s one less thing I have to find a place to store.  They do keep journals and sketchbooks, as these take a long time to fill and require relatively little space.

We also have some artwork in the file cabinet, but often we choose to scan or photograph art rather than saving the original.  This lets us save it digitally and also makes it easier to organize and share.

6.  Kayce asked,  If you breast fed. How did you wean? Baby led, sippy cups? My daughter is 15 months.

Kayce, I breastfed all my babies so far.  In 8 out 10, weaning was a sort of joint agreement.  They began to lose interest and I was happy to let them eat more solid food and nurse less until we both entirely forgot about nursing.  Those 8 were weaned anywhere from 12-20 months old.

In two cases, the nursing baby began to transform into a demanding toddler who wanted to be nursed RIGHT NOW and didn’t deal well with delays.  Those children were gently but firmly weaned some time after their first birthdays (around 14-16 months, I think?) primarily by breaking their schedules up a bit: I purposely delayed the first morning feeding by distracting them with food or a cup of milk; I nursed them a half hour before bed instead of just before bedtime, etc.  When they learned not to expect feedings at a concrete time, it became much easier to fill them up on solid food and drinks and entirely skip feedings, and over the course of a few weeks they were painlessly weaned.

The other moms are taking questions this week, too.  Here’s what they say:

• Connie at Smockity Frocks answers the age-old question, How do you do it all?
• Headmistress @  The Common Room, who reviews several recent Q&A posts
• Kimberly @ Raising Olives talks about potty training, life with a newborn, and beginning homeschooling

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• May 24 - Homeschooling when in a rotten temper

Recent topics:

• May 10 - 4 Moms: Favorite frugal tips
• May 3 - 4 Moms: Cooking with leftovers {linky}
• April 26 - 4 Moms: Homeschooling through pregnancy or chronic illness
• April 19 - 4 Moms Q&A: courtship, dental bills, and 40,000 diapers

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

This week’s 4 Moms topic is Q&A.  Specifically, that means your Q’s, and my A’s, although it might be fun to reverse that every now and then.

I asked on Facebook Wednesday afternoon what you wanted to know, and here are the questions I received:

Q. I want to know about your kids and the Bible…not sure exactly what, but wondering about them and reading/understanding/applying.

Most of our children who can read well have read the Bible at least once on their own.  The teens have all read it several times.  While we don’t always read together, the Bible is a constant foundation in how we see the world, analyze issues, and develop our own opinions and positions.  It is a part of nearly any discussion that arises, from firearms to family, parenting to politics, history to health, books to birth control, discipline to demographics.

I apologize for the abundance of alliteration, but when the Bible is connected to everything, the possibilities are positively panoptic.

We interrupt this program for a special announcement: the 4 Moms ebook is now available for your Kindle from the Amazon Kindle store!!!  Get it here: 4 Moms of 35+ Kids Answer Your Parenting Questions. More coolness: we’re currently #49 in the Parenting category!

If you already own either version of the book, we would LOVE for you to pop over to Amazon and write a review.

We’ve come up with a creative solution for those who already bought the ebook but wish they had waited for the Kindle, and we have a treat for those who
are among the first to buy the Kindle version.  For further details see The Common Room, but hurry, because this offer ends Saturday night at 7.P.M. Central Time.

Now we return to our regularly scheduled 4 Moms post.

Q. Courtship! What model of dating/courtship did you and your husband follow and what do y’all desire for your children.

I shared the story of how Perry and I met in Boy Meets Girl.  While it was far from traditional dating, I don’t think it was exactly courtship either although it was our parents’ idea long before we thought of it. We learned much from our own experience and hope to do things a little differently with our children, but we’ll have to see what situations and possibilities God lays before us.

Our greatest desire is to protect them from temptation as they seek to live their lives for God’s glory.  We want to help them find spouses without “practicing divorce” by having a series of romantic interests or relationships.

In our ideal scenario, a family friend whom we have known over time will express an interest in one of our daughters.  Because we know him and possibly his family very well, we will know whether this is a good idea and will have a good idea of whether he is ready for marriage, how his strengths and weaknesses might complement those of the daughter in question, etc.  If he is ready and we consider our daughter to be ready, we would present the idea to our daughter.  If she liked the possibility, we would encourage him to spend more time in our home, her in his family’s home, and our two families together.  We would make an active effort to get know him more and let them get to know each other on a more personal level.  Soon, we would hope to know if the two are compatible and want to get married.  This would be something of a joint decision that we hope both sets of parents and both young people and even their pastor(s) would all agree upon.  If so, engagement would be short and sweet – just long enough to plan a wedding.  Then they would live happily ever after.

Of course we can’t count on everything fitting neatly into our ideal scenario and there are endless possible variations that could work just as nicely, but it’s good to have a plan from which to start, don’t you think?

Q. How do you cover the dental bills?

We have a group policy with United Healthcare through Perry’s employer, but I just got an online quote and it looks like our policy only costs about 25% more when you purchase as an individual.  Unlike medical insurance, dental insurance is quite affordable and an excellent investment if you’re the type to have regular cleanings, x-rays, etc.  The price of the policy we use doesn’t change for a big family even though there are proportionately more claims, and I feel confident that UH is losing money on us.  From our side, that’s good.

Since I have had a propensity to cavities all my life (and a couple of the kids seem to have inherited my weak enamel) we do regular cleanings, sealants, etc. for the entire family and it all costs very little out of pocket aside from our monthly premium.

Recently we’ve become aware of the idea that teeth, like the rest of the body, may be capable of healing, but this is entirely new territory and we’re far from giving up our semiannual cleanings.  We haven’t really even begun to look into it, although I know that the name Weston A. Price comes up a lot when people are discussing these things.  What do you think of the theory?  Sensible, quackery, or are you withholding judgment until you know more?

Q. How do you deal with squabbles between the older kids and the younger kids. There’s 10 years between my 2 and big brother gets fed up with little brother following him around and talking so much.

I would be really curious to hear my kids’ view of this and see how it matches up with my view of what I do.

I think I try to stay out as much as possible, encouraging them to settle disputes peacefully and patiently, especially when it’s older ones complaining about younger ones.  They all remember being the little ones who wanted to tag along with older children, and I try to remind them while little ones may sometimes seem like an annoyance, the best way to help them become less annoying is to include them and give them every possible chance to hone their immature social skills.  Too often “annoying” little kids are simply little kids left to their own foolishness and immaturity, instead of being influenced by the older people in their lives.

I also remind them to treat the little ones as they would want to be treated.  Would they like it if I just told them to go away and leave me alone?  Wouldn’t it hurt their feelings if I acted as if I didn’t enjoy or appreciate their company, or if I had no interest in what they wanted to tell me?

Finally, when the older ones have company or a special reason that it might be best for the little ones to be scarce (a new calligraphy set, for example), I simply tell the little ones that it’s time to let the older one(s) have some private time.  When an older one wants to be left alone constantly and wants nothing to do with younger ones, that can signal a problem, but as long as a person is kind about it and uses the privilege sparingly, there’s nothing wrong with a little private time.

Q. How much do you step in when your kids bicker?

When it comes to bickering among peers, again trying to stay out of the dispute and encourage them to settle it peacefully.  This time, though, my line is a little different:

“Are you sure you want me to help settle this?”  Imagine me saying that in a slow, ominous voice.

If 2 older children can’t settle a dispute over a piece of clothing or whose turn it is to use the computer or who should clean up the lotion that somebody left out and the toddler spilled on somebody else’s bed, I’m creative.   I can always come up with a quick and easy solution that will encourage them to seek a peaceful resolution next time.

Q. Have you ever had a child who didn’t want to be homeschooled? If so how did you address it?

As 2nd generation homeschoolers with a wide circle of homeschooling friends and acquaintances, we managed to thoroughly indoctrinate our children against institutionalized government schooling from a very young age.

We teach our children from an early age to understand that there is no such thing as neutrality in education.  All education is intrinsically religious, because in order to impart knowledge we must first decide what we know and how we know it.  The source of that definition tells who your god is – or who an institution’s god is.  There may be Christian teachers inside the system, but they do not have the freedom to change the nature of the system itself.

If this seems harsh, I recommend watching Indoctrination: Public Schools and the Decline of Christianity in America.

Q. How many kids have you had in diapers at once?  The DHM has shared she once had 3. I have had 3 for a while, as well, but 2 full-time, and 1 at night.

I’ve had it easy.  If you count nighttime, I almost had 3 in diapers at one point, but have never actually had more than 2.  I’ve also never had one baby potty trained before the next came along, so I’ve been doing diapers constantly for almost 19 years – not to mention helping with my siblings’ diapers for about 11 years before that.

My older children help a lot with diapers now, but nevertheless I estimate that I have personally changed well over 40,000 diapers on my own children.  That’s most or all of the first 6 children, plus half of the last 4 children, based on potty training at 28 months, nighttime dryness at 3yo, and a very conservative estimate of 6 diapers/day – accurate for a toddler or an older baby, but very low for a younger baby.  We could probably bump the guess to 50,000 and still be in safe territory.

Q.  How do you handle a child screaming/yelling NO! after being disciplined?! (spanked) Spank more or wait for “sincere” restitution?

The 4 Moms have posted in the past about parenting styles, and you might find it helpful to have several viewpoints on the subject, but here is my reaction to the specific situation you described: Yelling “NO!” sounds like outright rebellion and a sure indication that you are not done disciplining yet.  That doesn’t necessarily mean more swats (though it certainly could) but the goal of discipline is repentance and reconciliation, and it’s clear that we aren’t there yet if our children are angry.

But anger can have more than one cause, and it helps to get at the root of it.

If a child is angry, often they feel that the discipline was unwarranted or undeserved.  It may be helpful to review their sin and why they are being corrected.  Do they understand how they violated God’s law, and a parent’s duty to raise up children in the fear and admonition of the Lord?  Do they understand that they didn’t simply make you mad; they disobeyed God when He said, “Honor thy parents” (or whatever commandment they broke)?

They also need to understand forgiveness.  Depending on the circumstances, hardness often disappears when they are required to go to the one they offended and ask forgiveness.  Sometimes an angry attitude comes from believing that others are angry at them.

If you are dealing with a very young one, the rules are still the same though the reasoning may need to be taken down a level.  I might tell a recalcitrant toddler, “Don’t be mad at Mom.  You obey.”  Then I might follow up with another swat if I still see a bad attitude.

Every child is different, and I can’t begin to tell you how to discipline yours, of course – and again, not all discipline is spanking.  The goal is to shepherd their hearts, not just achieve outward compliance, and for that they must be on the same page with you.  Anger means they are not.

Here’s what the other 3 moms say:

• Connie at Smockity Frocks
• Headmistress @  The Common Room
• Kimberly @ Raising Olives

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• April 26 - Homeschooling through chronic illness and pregnancy

Recent topics:

• April 12 - 4 Moms: Tithing and saving on one income
• April 5 - 4 Moms: finding time/ideas for blogging
• March 29 - 4 Moms: Making Time to Manage the Budget
• March 22 - 4 Moms Q&A: Shoes for 12, snack rules, doing it all

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

It’s time to take questions from the audience again, and this time we opened up the floor on the 4 Moms 35 Kids facebook page.  Did you get a chance to ask your question?  Or maybe you’re here to help dispense some wisdom in the comments.  We certainly want all the help we can get!

Q. Ashlee and Cindee want to know about shoes.

Can you hear my guilty giggles?  I used to be the sort of person who took pride in owning just 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.  Now that I have 4 teen daughters, my own collection has somehow grown to 12 pairs, and I still need some black sandals and a pair of Ropers.  I’m not sure how or why I need that many, but I blame my daughters.  We have a shoe problem, and it’s contagious.

The kids?  I’m not even going to count how many shoes they have.  The teen girls struggle to keep it between 10 and 20 pairs each.  I won’t tell you who has 10 and who has 20, but they probably will if you ask.  The younger ones who don’t buy their own shoes yet usually have one pair of boots plus 2 or 3 other pairs of shoe.  We’re in Texas; the boots are a given.  For some people, 3 pairs of boots are the bare minimum.

For shoe storage and organization, we are loving our Closetmaid stackable shelves which coordinate perfectly with the Closetmaid Cubeicals we use for clothes and personal items.

My shoes take up relatively little room.  Oh, except the 3 pairs of boots that don’t fit on the shelf.

Perry’s shoes may be bigger but they really don’t a lot of space either.  That’s mainly because most of them are usually under the kitchen table.

The 4 youngest have their clothes and shoes in my bedroom, so that the older kids can’t blame them for the landfill in their bedroom.  Each child has one shelf here, with a fabric bin for socks either on the shelf or with their cubbies in the compartment below the shoe shelves.  Three of these four kids also own a pair of boots, which are kept in a cubbie below.

And the big girls.  What you see in the photo below is just the tip of the iceberg.  Deanna’s shoes are in a separate shoe holder that hangs over the door – at least some of them.  Many of the shoes are away in Georgia with their owners this week.  And I purposely cropped out the heap of boots on the floor. I just couldn’t be that honest all at once in front of this many people.  I have my limits, friends.

Shoes?  We’ve got ‘em.

Q. Trisha asked, “How do you regulate snacks/treats? My kids are constantly begging!”

When all my kids were little, I used to have a regimented schedule.  We had an early breakfast, a 10:00 snack, lunch precisely at noon, a 4:00 post-nap snack, and dinner at a reasonable hour.

Now that I have 6 cooks in the house and hubby is gone from 7 to 7, our feeding schedule looks different.  Breakfast is often more like brunch: late and hearty.  No morning snack is necessary.  Lunch happens when 2 or more people start begging for food.

Between meals, older people help themselves to snacks within approved guidelines (no meat, for example, and ask before seconds on fruit – did you eat a real breakfast/lunch?)  Little people get a hearty snack when they wake up from naps, because dinner happens now at 7.  If it’s any earlier, Dad doesn’t stand a chance of eating with us during the week.

If younger ones are begging for snacks at unexpected times, I have a few questions before I start doling out the goodies.  ”Did you finish your breakfast/lunch?  Were you full?  Did you ask for seconds if you were still hungry?” Depending on the answers and exactly what snack they are begging for, they might get what they want – or they might get a glass of milk and a peanut butter roll-up.

I’m not a snack nazi, but I do try to make sure they are not turning their noses up at meals and then begging for cookies 20 minutes later.

Q. Straightened Path is wondering, “Since the title “4 Moms, 35+ Kids” was coined, how many “+ kids” have arrived?”

3 of us were pregnant when we started, so 32 of those children were originally on the outside.  Of course the other 3 arrived nearly 2 years ago and we now have 2 more on the inside, bringing the total to 37.  The Headmistress also has 2 godsons who spend a lot of time at her home but were not included in the official original count, and I believe she now has 3 grandchildren.  Do they count?  If we count everyone, our total is 42!

Q. From Lisa: How do you do it all? Bake, teach, write? I only have 6…3 teens and 3 littles. I feel like we work all the time, yet I still feel under the gun constantly! Help!

Lisa,  I don’t do it all, and I never did.  It’s a trade-off.  When I bake, I don’t teach or write.  When I teach, I don’t write.  When I write, I don’t do anything else.  I generally wish I could do more of everything, but when I had less big people and more littles, I did less of all 3.  I haven’t done much in the way of gardening since ’95.

We prioritize, alloting time to the things that are important to us and our families.  Ideally, we spend more time on the things that are more important and less time on the things that matter less.  In reality, I often find myself spending too much time on the things that please me most with little heed for the things that please God most.

When you have a hundred great ideas for worthy projects and ways to spend time, it’s not always a matter of making good use of your time.  You mentioned that you work hard.  Sometimes you just have to identify the current goal(s) and let the others wait.  Those projects will still be there if and when they make it to the top of the list.  If some never make it to the top, don’t sweat it.  In all labor, there is profit. God is pleased when we do our best for Him, even when we don’t mark off every item on our To Do List.

Check out the other moms’ Q&A posts this week:

• Common Room on pantry, simplifying and shoes
• Raising Olives on courtship, dating and purity
• Smockity Frocks on snacks, pantry and shoes

Do you have a question?  Watch for your chance to ask on Facebook, or ask here and I’ll try to remember to check before next month’s Q&A.  ;)

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• March 29 – Making time to manage the budget
• April 5 - Do you plan out blog posts? How do you manage blog time?

Recent topics:

• March 15 - 4 Moms try to save keepsakes without being killed in an avalanche
• March 8 - 4 Moms serve dinner for 50 cents/person {linky}
• March 1 - 4 Moms: teaching our children to write
• February 23 - 4 Moms Q&A

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics