Q&A is here again.  I wish every week could be Q&A, because on those weeks I can pick the questions that I actually have an answer for.  I can also skip the ones that make me cringe in a “oooh, that’s convicting” sort of way.  Just kidding.  Sort of.

But honestly, if I don’t answer your question it’s probably not because I don’t like you or don’t think you have a good question.  There are only a few people in the world that I truly dislike, so the chances are very slim that you’re on my list.  If I don’t answer your question, it’s more likely because I didn’t make it through the whole list or I just don’t have a good answer for you.  Either I struggle with the issue myself and haven’t figured out how to solve it yet, or I have never faced the problem at all and have never even wondered how to solve it.  Either way, I don’t want to waste your time and mine.  Well, unless I do.  Like in the very first question below.

1. Sarah asked,  Have you had to deal with food allergies/sensitivities with any of your kids?

Sarah, I’m thankful to say no.  Well, not really, although Lydia seemed to be sensitive to milk when she was little.  We removed major sources of milk from her diet,  and she outgrew the symptoms by the time she was 4 or 5 and has been happily guzzling ever since.  Becca also has some signs of allergies though we haven’t pinpointed the source.

Since we’re on the subject, does anyone think we should suspect allergies in the case of a 4yo who has multiple accidents each day?  It seems like simple immaturity and she can help it if she really tries, but I can’t help wondering if there might be a physical cause.

2. Kristi asked,  Do you do the “Santa” thing in any form at your house?

Kristi, we don’t do it seriously but it is a bit of a running joke in our family.  One year a friend of ours showed up at our door in a Santa suit, and we didn’t tell the kids who it was – though they knew there wasn’t really an eternal Santa who snuck down chimneys bringing gifts to children.  Somehow they learned who it was, but the next year a friend-of-a-friend did the same thing.   This time were able to assure them it was not Mr. Smitty, and they were left to wonder.

We do enjoy teaching our children about the real Saint Nicholas and his doings.  Sometimes truth is just as entertaining as fiction.  :)

3. Shelby asked,  How much do you usually spend on each child at Christmas? What types of gifts will you buy this yr?

Shelby, our budget is never set in stone – or even in mud.  It depends on many factors, but we don’t limit ourselves to the same fixed number for each child.  In fact, our older girls started a fun tradition of pooling their funds to splurge on one person each year while buying more traditional gifts for the remaining members of the family.

Often, Perry and I choose to buy one big gift that all of the kids can share and enjoy, knowing that they will each receive several gifts from siblings, friends, grandparents, etc.  One year it was a trampoline; another year, we bought a Wii and television.

We haven’t really talked about Christmas gifts this year yet, but we have already contributed toward a large gift from one set of grandparents so our additional gifts to the kids will be modest.  In light of all the new blessings in our lives right now, I think everyone in the house is happy with the idea of a smaller, simpler Christmas celebration this year.

4. Lindsey asked,  How do you handle Christmas gifts in a large family? Do you set a limit on number per person? Do you draw names? Etc. What are some of your family’s Christmas traditions?

Lindsey, in our own household Perry and I nearly always buy individual or group gifts for our children.  Our children have drawn names for each other in the past, but generally prefer to buy gifts either for individuals or a group gift.  The older girls like to pool their funds and buy one nicer gift for each family member.

In the extended family, we tend to alternate between giving a gift to each family, having just the children draw for cousins, and having everyone draw a name.  When we draw names, we divide into age groups: little children, older children, adults (if participating).

Traditions?  One sister and her husband have hosted a tamale party/gift exchange for the extended family for many years.  Our church goes Christmas carolling in members’ neighborhoods each year.  We usually get our Christmas tree on the day after Thanksgiving, and always start listening to Christmas music on that day.  We do Advent readings, though we don’t always make it through all 25 days.  Oh, and Perry wears a Santa hat on his commute to work every day, and requires the same of all his passengers.  He’s crazy that way.

5. Dede asked, What suggestions do you have for an 8 yr old boy? Gift wise.  Also, winter exercises? (For kids, not me, LOL).

Dede, I’ve never had an 8yo boy.  I’m still trying to think of gifts for a 6yo boy, but I suspect if a 6yo or 8yo can get hurt or get dirty using it, he’ll like it.    Also, if it makes you want to yell, “Be quiet!” or “Don’t ever do that to your sister again!” it’s likely to be a hit.  Rubber band gun?  Potato gun?  Slingshot?  Crossbow?  Are you sensing a theme here?  We’ve had all of these in our home, and while they may not help your sanity, I do have to confess that they were huge hits!

As for exercise, I constantly threaten to send my homebody kids outside if they don’t sit still and find something quiet to do.  It either works, or I make good on the threat and they get some exercise.  :)

Honestly, they are all fairly active and can’t stand to sit still too long.  If they don’t find a constructive way to burn energy (i.e. exercise) or take one of my suggestions (play basketball, play on the outdoor playset, play with the dog, play tag, etc.) I give them work to do and they get that sort of exercise.  It all works out in the end.

 6. Brittany asked,  How do you respond to those (family and strangers) that don’t agree with your choice of having so many children? or make comment when you are expecting…again? Thanks!!

Brittany, we’ve been blessed to have very supportive family on both sides so we never had to deal with that problem.  However, I did see my parents deal with disapproving family members back when I was a kid and they were expecting their 5th, 6th, 7th child, etc.  It was discouraging to them, especially when the criticism came during tough times.  They were careful to remind all of us kids why they chose to have a large family and what blessings children were, while they minimized time with those who criticized their convictions.  In time, friends drifted away and family members came around, and I don’t remember this being a problem at all by the time I was a teen and our household population had reached double digits.

As for comments, I don’t let them bother me – though I have never received an openly critical comment.  They are usually more like, “I could never do it!” or “Better you than me!”  It’s not hard to come up with a witty or thoughtful reply to these, especially when you tend to hear the same 3 or 4 comments all the time!

7.  Donna asked,  how do you balance taking care of yourself and your kids when life also needs you to care for others?

Donna, this is a huge question for us right now.  Calvin arrived during a very busy time of year for all of us, and I simply don’t have the help I’m accustomed to.  When I was in my 20′s and had 6 little ones with no bigger helpers, days were hectic but I was able to keep up.  I had more energy and less people in the house.  Now when I’m flying solo with a bunch of little ones I still have to cook, clean and do laundry for 12 – with the energy level of a postpartum 40yo instead of a 20-something.

I freely admit I’m struggling, both in practical matters and in attitude.  It’s so hard to find the right balance between meeting present needs and taking care of myself so I can continue to meet needs tomorrow and next month.  It’s easy to make my health a priority just because I want to feel better, instead of so that I can serve God and others better.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel strong and healthy, of course, but it’s vital to keep the true goal in sight.  What glorifies God and furthers His kingdom in the long run?

I think I’m rambling and probably not even answering your question, but you touched a sore spot for me.  It’s one where I would love to hear from other moms, especially older ones.

8.  Anna asked,  Not sure whether you’ve covered it already, but suggestions for going from two littles to three. Does it work out OK having three children but only two arms? :) Also, any bed/rooming suggestions for when you have three littles? (we’ll have three girlies with the oldest 2 1/2 in Feb. so probably two in toddler beds and one in a crib once the baby hits 6 months or so, hopefully in the same room).

Anna, although I often worried about it ahead of time, I generally found that by the time a new baby arrived the child two spaces up the line was reasonably well trained.  Ours were just over 18 months apart, so the child in question was always at least 3yo, able to follow simple commands.  It was invariably easier than I expected, even though I asked myself the same question about having more children than arms.  :)

Rooming together has always worked well for our children.  After an initial adjustment period, they quickly learn to sleep through disruptions or go right back to sleep if awakened, and I think it makes for better sleep habits overall.  One word of advice: you might find life easier if you don’t insist your children go right to sleep when you send them to bed.  We have always allowed them to talk softly as long as they stay in bed.  Of course many parents will see it differently, but I love that my children enjoy each other’s company and I don’t want to discourage quiet conversation in the last moments of their day.

9.  Sara asked, What do you do about a 9 year old telling you no and throwing horrible tantrums when Dad is at work?

Sara, this is an easy one for us.  If a child is unrepentant and rebellious to me, Dad comes home.  He considers this sort of situation a family emergency.  It has only happened a couple of times, because our children understand just how seriously he and I take that sort of rebellion.  He came home when he was over an hour away even though it meant losing vacation time or personal time and burning up $15-20 in gas going back and forth for a 3 or 4 hour lunch break.

Your turn.  Agree or disagree?  What did I miss?  How would you answer these questions?  

See what the other moms say:

• Raising Olives 
• Smockity Frocks
• The Common Room

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• December 6 - Quick and Easy Holiday Crafts
• December 13 - Quick and Easy Holiday Recipes

Recent topics:

• November 15 - 4 Moms give food as gifts {linky}
• November 8 - 4 Moms on Helping Kids Keep Up With Technology (?!)
• November 1 - Q&A with the 4 Moms: competitiveness, pregnancy and newborns, Bible for little ones
• October 25 - 4 Moms: How do you keep the car clean?
• October 18 - 4 Moms on Food Preservation
• October 11 - 4 Moms: Introducing kids to technology
• October 4 - Q&A with the 4 Moms
• September 27 - 4 Moms address biblical femininity and modesty in girls

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

Welcome back to the weekly 4 Moms post, in which 4 moms with a collective total of 35 children share our knowledge, experience and and helpful tips in maintaining health, order and sanity.

This week we’re going to answer your questions.  This is my favorite post of the month because it feels like 5 or 6 posts in one, and I didn’t have to think up a topic for a single one.

Or you can start here.  That’s fine too.  In fact, I’m flattered, unless you’re the sort that saves the best for last.  In that case, starting here means you don’t really like my blog and just want eat your vegetables first so you can move on to dessert.

Question:

I am having baby #7 (at 42 ) yet am  starting over as there is a 6 year gap between 6 and 7  and so we got rid of most of our baby items.  Space is limited and the budget is low.  What are your top 5-10 products that you just can’t live without?  Do you use a full size crib?  Any advice would be appreciated.

Answer:

Congrats on baby #7!  Isn’t it amazing how each can be just as exciting as the first?

I gave up the full size crib a long time ago.  Now I love to use a travel bed while the baby is small enough, then move up to a Pack-n-Play when it becomes necessary.  Those 2 items are at the top of my list.  I think a changing table is utterly unnecessary, as is an extensive wardrobe.

Here’s my full list, off the top of my head.  If anyone thinks I missed something crucial, feel free to speak up.

Must Have Baby Equipment

1. Infant car seat –  I love the standard bucket style with a separate base, so it snaps in and out.
2. Travel bed – Much smaller and more portable than a playpen or crib, and good for several months until your baby can pull up, sit up, or becomes otherwise mobile.
3. Portable playpen – I’ve always used a pack-n-play but there are other brands available.  This takes the place of a full size crib beautifully if you don’t mind bending over.  If you use a travel bed, you won’t need this until later.
4. Drawstring gowns – Not as cute as fun jammies but infinitely more practical.  These make diaper changes so much faster and easier in those early days, especially when you’re working around an umbilical stump.  I wish I had discovered these several children earlier.   I find that just 5 or 6 is usually plenty.
5. Blankets and burp rags – Babies may not need a lot of clothes, but I do find we go through a lot of these.  Plain cotton diapers make nice burp rags, but it’s even nicer if a friends wants to give you some cuter ones.
6. Diapers and wipes – Cloth or disposable, but one way or another you’re going to need them.  Don’t waste time or money on a fancy wipe warmer; just warm it in the palm of your hand for a second if you’re concerned.  You’ll probably find your baby doesn’t acknowledge the difference either way.
7. Ergo baby carrier – Yes, there are a million choices out there and most are cheaper than the Ergo, but I wish I had discovered this one back when my first was born.  No learning curve, and no aching back or shoulders no matter how big your baby or toddler is.  I’ll never love another baby carrier again.  I own another less expensive carrier with a very similar design and much cuter fabric, but the quality just isn’t the same.  You get what you pay for; buy an Ergo.

Question:

How do you manage to use the bathroom?!?
I’m having a hard time just sneaking away for the one single minute it would take me to use the restroom and then I get frustrated and irritated because for pity’s sake I just need to use the bathroom and I keep getting called away to take care of needs even more urgent than my own.

Answer:

When all my children were young, I resigned myself to using the bathroom with the door open so that I could address problems while taking care of personal business.  Just think of it as one more way that God uses children to sanctify us and keep us humble.  This too shall pass.  Once they get old enough that modesty becomes an issue, they’re old enough to live without you for 60 seconds, right?

Question:

I’d love to see you elaborate on the nitty-gritty of how having all of your kids in one room actually works. For instance, do you have any little ones who wake up much earlier than the others? And how to do get them (especially young toddlers) to stay quiet so as not to wake their siblings in the morning? Are they allowed to leave the room as soon as they get up, or is there a certain time they need to wait for? What age does the baby move into the big kids’ room? etc….

Answer:

We don’t worry about some children waking others.  While we do require some basic courtesy (keep the lights off and the noise level low when others are sleeping) I tend to believe that if a child needs the sleep, she’ll sleep through whatever is going on.

Of course this takes a little patience; at first they were more sensitive to noise and activity, but we have found it surprisingly easy to adapt to new surroundings and situations.

To answer some of your specific questions, some of our younger ones are often the first out of bed, and if the house is quiet they usually come straight to my room.  If it’s too early to get up, I just send them back to bed.  If it’s a reasonable rise hour, we all start getting up one by one as we’re awakened.

The babies usually move into the big kids’ room(s) as soon as they reliably sleep through the night.  While most of my babies begin to sleep through the night at a very young age, I don’t consider them reliable sleepers until much later, usually some time around their first birthday.

Question:

As a couple who have decided to allow God to do your family planning, do you ever have trouble relating to other Christian couples who do not share this vision? We don’t regularly fellowship with anyone who shares this vision and it breaks my heart to hear the way many Christian women talk about children as though they’re such a great burden… I often feel that I would like to share the joy of remaining open to pregnancy but I don’t know how without sounding “holier than thou” or judgmental of their choice. Is it best to just keep your mouth shut, smile and let your life speak? We only have three, at this point, under the age of 5 so it isn’t immediately apparent what our birth control philosophy is.

Answer:

While we are not shy about expressing our views, we do tend to keep our mouths shut and let our life speak, as you put it – until somebody asks a question.  Then all bets are off!  As you mentioned, in the earlier years your birth control philosophy isn’t immediately apparent, and we have many friends whose position we don’t know.  However, it is always a joy to find others who share our view or at least are interested in hearing and considering it.

I am much less shy, though, about addressing hormonal birth control, which can act as an abortifacient.  I haven’t found a good way to bring it up myself but when the subject is broached I don’t mince words.  It breaks my heart that so many Christians are aborting their own children for want of knowledge!

Question:

I have six daughters and would be very interested to know how you handle contention between daughters. How do you handle bossiness? Or do you even have that problem???

Question:

What’s your take on dealing with bickering, fighting children? Some days I want to pull out my hair at the cycle of pester…scream…pester…scream…etc. That the oldest two get into. They can play wonderfully together at times, and then at other times just seem to spend all day getting under each other’s skin. How do you maintain (relative) peace and keep the bickering to a minimum?

Answer:

Actually, I don’t really have the answer to these questions.  Yes, we have our share of bickering and bossiness.  I like to think our children are best friends and get along wonderfully, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect.  They do bicker and squabble over the most ridiculous things.  They remind me of a couple of other people I know, whom the children also happen to look like.

The important thing is that they also admit fault, ask forgiveness, and keep being best friends.

That doesn’t mean we tolerate or condone strife and contention.  We try to nip it in the bud, and we emphasize that one person’s sinful attitude does not justify the sins of another.  We are each responsible for our own sins.  At the same time, when arguments happen I try to impress upon each child that she probably could have ended or defused the situation by exercising humility, and her pride led her sibling into sin as well.

Question:

I would love to know what type of vehicle everyone drives, and what everyone has driven as their family has grown. We have four children, all still in car seats, and our minivan is absolutely FULL.

Answer:

Faced by the prospect of outgrowing our 9 passenger Suburban with the birth of our 8th child, we ruled out a 12 passenger van because it has absolutely no cargo space unless you take out a bench, and then you’re back to 8 or 9 seats.

Instead, we moved directly up to a standard issue Ford 15 passenger van in white.  It’s a very common vehicle for large families, Baptist churches and smugglers of illegal immigrants, especially after the windows are darkly tinted.

I love my big white so much that I’ve been considering a post titled, “Top Ten Reasons to Drive a 15 Passenger Van.”

Question:

How do you take such great photos? Not the posed photos but the ones of the kids in action – playing, cooking, making faces, etc. Of course all the photos are great, but I can’t seem to get the right light and focus with my natural setting photos. I assume you have had loads of practice and could share a few tips. (and help me save money on professional photos).

Answer:

Thank you!  Most of our best photos are taken by our older children.  We have some very accomplished photographers with a lot of natural talent.  One resource that has really helped to develop that talent is Me Ra Koh’s instructional videos.

I love the title of the first, Refuse to Say Cheese.  It’s all about not collecting endless photos of people smiling woodenly at the camera.  I credit that simple phrase with much of the charm of the photos my daughters take – they really capture the young ones’ personalities and emotions by catching them in the midst of real life.

Beyond the Green Box goes into more depth about the technical details of the camera and using more advanced features to really get the effect you want, but Me Ra does a good job of keeping it light and goes easy on the math.

Question:

How do you manage to look after your own health while looking after a large family and staying within a tight budget. I have 4 children between 7 and 1 yo and am having health issues from neglecting myself for too long. How do you do it?

Answer:

I try to eat a healthy diet, take a good quality prenatal vitamin, and maintain a basic level of activity.  I know getting enough sleep is very important, though I don’t always do it.

Over the years I have done some intensive exercise for limited periods of time.  Some cost money, some were free, and some even made money: a year of karate, a summer of lawn-mowing, a gym membership, a year of bicycling, several months of weigh-lifting, etc.

But I have to give God the glory.  He has chosen to bless me with sturdy health so far which has enabled me to do all these things.  Indeed, every breath is from Him!

My husband also takes his role seriously and takes care of me in every way he can think of, including my health.  He knows when I need more sleep and does his best to help me get it.  He reminds me to take my vitamins because he knows I’ll forget.  He encourages me to exercise because he knows I dislike it and will procrastinate, but he also knows that I like the results and will thank him when I’m done.

Likewise, I know that it pleases him for me to take care of myself and so I do it not just for myself but for him.  Sometimes this is more motivating than my own desire to lose a few pounds or have more energy.  Sometimes I’m lazy anyway.  :)

Do you have a question you’d like to see here next month?  Ask in the comments on this post and I’ll give it my best shot.

• February 3 - Teaching reading, because it’s so much easier than teaching them to use the toilet.  Do not request a 4 Moms post about potty training, do you hear me?
• February 10 – Cooking with little ones.  With, I said.  Not Cooking Little Ones.
• February 17 – Spending individual time with your children: isn’t the very topic enough to make you feel guilty?
• February  24 – Q & A.  Got a question?  Leave it in the comments on this post.  Or you can email me, but I promise you right now I will lose your email and forget to answer your question for 15 months.  By then, you probably will have found your own answer.

If you have a question you’d like to see answered here on the 4th Thursday of next month, please leave it as a comment on this post so that this super-organized mom will know where to find it at midnight on the 4th Wednesday of next month.

Quit laughing now and read Q&A’s from the other moms:

• Connie at Smockity Frocks
• Headmistress at The Common Room
• Kimberly at Raising Olives

All done?  Or did you decide to read mine first?

Big Family FAQ

1. Could you write a post about breastfeeding? (Maybe you have in the archives…) If you do it, why? For how long? Joys and difficulties along the way? Have you still been breastfeeding while pregnant?

This is a huge topic, and you’re right: it should be a post in itself, or a series of posts.  But I want to give some quick answers now just to get started.  I breastfeed for a variety of reasons: breastmilk is the ideal food for an infant, created by God for that very purpose.  It’s convenient: always just the right temperature, always in stock, no worries about bottles and formula and sterilizing…just find a quiet corner and a baby, and you have everything you need.  It’s cheap: just eat a healthy diet (which you should do anyway) and drink plenty of water.  It’s good for the mom too, reducing the chance of breast cancer and several other diseases.  And I like my babies; I enjoy spending time with them bonding this way.

I’m exceedingly thankful that I have been able to breastfeed each of my children with very little trouble.  I did have thrush with our 3rd child – cured with plain yogurt applied topically –  and our 9th had some latching problems that caused her to gain slowly at first and caused me great physical pain, a problem solved by $5 nipple shields from Babies R Us.  Tip: They sell them in single packs.  After I congratulated myself for having the presence of mind to catch that fact and buy two, I realized that you can only use them one at a time.  You only need one.  Duh.

Most of my babies have nursed between 12 and 16 months, and to the best of my memory none have ever tasted formula.  We start giving tastes of food around 6 months and as they begin to eat more and more table foods, they gradually nurse less and less.  At some point the balance between breastmilk and solid food shifts, and then I find that I’m pregnant.

Eventually the baby and I, who have much in common when it comes to memory power, simply forget to nurse, and weaning is accomplished.  Yes, 7 out of 9 times have been just that simple.  There are certain advantages to having no short term memory.

2. One thing I’ve been wondering, is how you have the “anatomy” discussion now that you have added boys to your family. I have 3 young girls (under 5), so we haven’t had to have the boy / girl anatomy talk – yet.

We don’t really have The Anatomy Discussion.  We’re far more casual about the subject.  Everyone changes diapers in our house, and the little ones often take baths together.  We don’t necessarily use all the correct anatomical terms, but we all know that some of us have “girl stuff” and some of us have “boy stuff,” and we don’t object to the anatomical terms unless they’re being used for vulgar humor.

We take a similar approach to the birds and the bees.  We breed dogs; we own chickens; we used to breed gerbils as snake food and rabbits as pets; and hubby and I smooch freely in front of the kids.  Our kids have a pretty good idea of how reproduction takes place, and they understand (on their various levels) that sex is a great blessing and a lot of fun – inside marriage.  They don’t know or need to know all the details, but sex is not a taboo topic and we answer questions freely as they arise.

3.  My children are 3.5, 2 and almost 6 mos.  Today they were such a joy that they are at nap and I actually miss them.  But on Monday, I actually broke down and called my husband to come home early and rescue me, something I have never done, not even postpartum.  Please tell me this is normal?!

That sounds perfectly normal to me.  If your kids don’t make you crazy sometimes, something is wrong.

You may think I’m kidding, but I really do think that God uses children in a big way for our own personal sanctification, smoothing our rough spots and helping us to see our flaws, weaknesses, and sins.  Those lessons are never easy.

Besides, kids are sinners just like the rest of us.  If it’s not your own sin driving you batty, it’s theirs.

4. Clothing storage!  How do you store clothes for all of your kids?  What about socks and underwear?  PJ’s?  I have six kids so far, and storing these things is starting to become more of an issue (even more so for the boys).  Do you limit how much they have?  Special methods to organizing these things?

You do not want to take my advice on clothes storage, unless I’m advising you not to do it my way.  My way involves rubbermaid tubs of clothes stored under the house.  They are labelled by size, and it seems like a good system on the surface.  The main problem is that we forget we have them and we buy what we need at a thrift store instead.  Not very thrifty, is it?

Then a small child decides that the shelves under the house look like a fun place to climb, and the tubs are unceremoniously dumped to the ground where all the clothes spill out.  The story doesn’t end there: we don’t notice the spilled clothes until 3 weeks later, by which time they have been rained on, chewed by puppies, and have several eggs stashed in them because apparently they are more comfy than the nesting boxes in the chicken coop.

See?  Don’t store clothes my way.  That’s my advice.  I’d love to hear yours.

Oh, wait.  I just reread the question, and you want to know about the stuff we’re actually using daily, not the stuff that’s being stored for another time.  Um, oops.  How about if we store your question for another time?  In a rubbermaid container on the shelves under my house?

• Dec. 30 -  Teaching children to do their chores:  If you’re doing it all yourself, then you missed your promotion.