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Everything you ever needed to know about sleeping babies

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I’ve posted quite a bit about sleeping babies in the past, but this short essay sums up everything I ever learned.  I didn’t write it myself, but I could have.  Maybe I did write it myself, in the course of all my posts.  I can’t remember because I’m a little short on sleep.

IMG 6682 Everything you ever needed to know about sleeping babies

Awkward moments in my day

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Do you ever feel this way?  I do every time I sit down at the computer.  Or on the couch.  Or in the bathroom.  The guilt: it never ends.

46614 10151867958223776 1627257680 n Awkward moments in my day

At least I don’t need glasses yet

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This morning I mentioned to one of my children that I was mildly near-sighted, though not enough to need glasses.  She asked why I didn’t get them anyway.  I replied that I neither wanted them nor needed them, so what would be the point?

Perry Boy overheard the conversation and took my side.

Perry: I agree Mom.  I don’t think you would look good glasses.  Dad looks good with his, and Tyler looks good with his, but you wouldn’t.

Me: Thank you for agreeing with me.  But what about when I get older, and I do need glasses?  Will you think I’m ugly then?

Perry: [stops to consider for a moment]  No, I’ll get used to you with glasses, and then I’ll think you look good.

Me: Oh, good.

Perry: [adds in an undertone]  Maybe.  I don’t really know about that part, though.

Three funnies from one tired mom

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Calvin is not the easiest baby.  I’ve been running very short on sleep, which is part of the reason I’m not blogging regularly right now.  Proof?

Last week I was standing in front of the mirror and Perry Boy caught a glimpse of my reflection.  He jumped and did a double-take.  ”Whoa!  You look creepy when your eyes are tired!”

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There has been a bucket of candy in the pantry for the last month, and Parker is having a lot of trouble resisting the temptation.  We leave the light off to discourage him, but it doesn’t work.  The little boy who wakes terrified of the dark in his room every night loves to be in the pitch black pantry.  Every time somebody opens the pantry door, he comes scurrying out like a little mouse.  ”I not eat candy!  I not eat candy!”

After the first 96 candy raids and 95 swats, I realized there was a problem with this plan.  He had obviously decided that a piece of candy was worth a swat, so I started making him spit it in the trash when he was caught in the act.  This morning he came to me on his own, grinning as the chocolate drool ran down his chin: “I not eat candy, Mom.  I spit it in the trash.”

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Perry Boy loves to look at Calvin & Hobbes books during naptime.  I haven’t decided yet if it’s a great idea, but it does create some teachable moments.  Last week he asked me, “Mom? Can I please-just-one-time-quick take a bath in toilet?”

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How have your kids made you laugh recently?

Embarrassing moments

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Last week, I filled the gas tank at gas station next to a busy highway with my skirt tucked up in the back.  12yo Natalie tried to make me feel better: “It’s all right, Mom. You’ll probably never see those 6,000 people again.”

If you’ve had an embarrassing moment lately, I would love to hear about it.

You might be in your third trimester if…

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I started this thread over on Facebook and it was so much fun I’d like to hear your contributions too!

Here are my own:

Family, friends, and total strangers compulsively pat your belly.

An 8yo 45 lb redhead says, “Awww, you’re so CUTE!”

Here are just a few of my favorites so far:

You kick toys into piles instead of bending over to pick them up as you walk by.

You pee when you sneeze

You have a special shelf to rest your drink/plate on…

While washing your hands after using the restroom you realize you have to go again icon smile You might be in your third trimester if...

Your grandmother can get up out of that chair faster than you can….and without help.

You become a master at using your toes for everything.

You see your doctor more often than your feet.

You have to use the handicapped stall in WalMart because in the regular stalls, even if you straddle the toilet, your belly still sticks out too far to be able to close the stall door.

Just thinking about eating gives you heartburn.

It takes every muscle just to roll over in bed.

What would you add to the list?

They’re cut from the same cloth

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For last Sunday’s responsive scripture reading, our congregation read Colossians 3:18-25 aloud in the worship service.  As we read, it went something like this:

18  Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Perry pokes me in the ribs with his elbow and pretends to give me a significant look.

19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

I jab Perry with my elbow, giving him the raised eyebrow.

20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

I whisper, “We don’t have enough elbows!”  We both glare at the backs of our children’s heads in the row ahead of us.

21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Offspring turn around and smirk at Perry.

22 Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23  Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. 25 For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality.

Those kids…I don’t know where they get it…

The Trunk

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IMAG0577 300x202 The TrunkYou know how little kids will often jump to conclusions that are entirely wrong but perfectly logical?

We currently have the van plus 3 smaller cars: the Mustang (angels sing each time I say the word, even if it’s 2/3 owned by Deanna and Kaitlyn), the Kia, and a Trunk.  We bought the Trunk to replace the Kia because we expect it to be more reliable and gas efficient, but we had to park it until we could do some needed repairs.  In the meantime Perry drove the Kia to work most days, treating himself to the Mustang occasionally.

Every morning, little Bethany heard him refer to one of the cars: “Go get in the Kia,” or “Let’s take the Mustang today,” or “Put my bag in the trunk.”

She’s a sharp cookie.  She knew which one was the Kia and which one was the Mustang.  Therefore she deduced that the little green car on the far side of the driveway must be The Trunk.

Oh – and one more thing about the Mustang.  You should see Parker grin and do a fist pump every time he says the word, “Mustang!”  Leg room may be a little tight in the back seat, but he doesn’t mind.  His legs are only 13″ long.

 

 

Brutal honesty out of the mouths of babes

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This morning I was trying a new style on my hair and turned to my daughters for an opinion.  ”Does this look like something out of the 80′s?”

The reply wasn’t exactly what I was looking for.  ”Mom, you are something out of the 80′s!”

Actually I was born in the 70′s, but I was a teen in the 80′s.  Apparently there are lingering effects.


Last week, PerryBoy was trying to take a picture of me with his Secret Mission Video Watch Brutal honesty out of the mouths of babes. It was early, and I wasn’t looking my best.  He snapped a photo and when he looked at his device, the disappointment was obvious in his face.  I nodded sympathetically.  ”Ugly, huh?”

“Well…” He hesitated, searching for a diplomatic answer.  He’s a smart boy.  ”Can you make a beautiful face?”

I smiled my best early morning smile as he snapped a second photo.

Again, his disappointment was obvious.  I inquired lightheartedly, “Still ugly?”  I have no illusions about being photogenic.

DSC01317 300x200 Brutal honesty out of the mouths of babes

He avoided answering, directing my attention instead to a recent family photo on the wall nearby.  ”Can you try to make a face like that?

I tried again, giving it my all.  He snapped and glanced down.  Then he indicated a family photo from 15 years ago.

DSC013211 300x200 Brutal honesty out of the mouths of babes

“How about that one, Mom?  Can you make a face like that one?”

DSC01324 300x200 Brutal honesty out of the mouths of babes

After the 4th try, he edged awkwardly away without waiting for me to ask how the photo had turned out.  I told you he was a smart boy.


Bethany has always been good with colors.  She also has an eye for detail.

When I woke up today she was studying her own eyes in the mirror, and announced that her eyes had green, black and white in them.  Of course, she was referring to her pupils and whites as well as the iris.

When I asked her what color my eyes were, and she studied them for a moment.  ”Green, black and red!”

DSC01311 300x256 Brutal honesty out of the mouths of babes

I guess I need to get more sleep.

Monday Movies: funny baby videos go viral

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This week, it’s my pleasure to introduce you to some of the viral videos that have swept the world over the past couple of years.  These are the videos that everyone talks about at baby showers – the ones where they all turn to you in surprise and say, “You haven’t seen it?” See?  I’m doing you a favor, making you culturally literate in the Age of Youtube.

First, the classic:  Charlie Bit Me.  My kids do the same, but somehow it’s even cuter to hear the victim yell “Owwwww” with a British accent.

With kids, a little bit of potty humor is unavoidable and sometimes even adorable.

One of the nicest things about babies is they see the humor in everything.

They even laugh at very scary stuff.

Sometimes they laugh at nothing at all.

Is it just me, or do these guys make you want twins of your own?

Our own boy once kissed a huge toad on YouTube.  It may not have gone viral on YouTube, but we watched the video plenty in our house!

What’s your favorite funny baby video on YouTube?

Monday movies: Meet Tim Hawkins, Christian comedian

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If you haven’t picked up on the fact that we like to laugh around here, you really need to pay closer attention.  We’ve been accused of a lot of character flaws, but excessive seriousness is not one.  The only one in our house who might lack a sense of humor is the target of the current joke.  Fortunately, we switch targets frequently and the sense of humor heals quickly.

We like our humor like we like our coffee: dark and not too sweet.  Coincidentally, that’s also how we like our chocolate.  Tim Hawkins is a Christian comedian, and his sense of humor is just our flavor.

We were first introduced to Tim through this video about his favorite Bible verse.   My new favorite response when I realize I have made myself the target of a joke: “Yuck it up, Christians.”

The video below is a very close parody of a popular song. The lyrics crack me up every. single. time.

This one is a parody too. I’m not familiar with the original versions of these songs, but I’m guessing Tim would be even funnier if I knew what he was mocking. As it is, he’s plenty funny, and smart too. Have you ever known a man who actually said things like this to his wife? Did you attend the funeral?

We like to make up our own versions of children’s books, and like the Grimm Brothers, our own versions are rarely G-rated. After watching Tim talk about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, I can help but snicker a little when one of my kids is scared at night. I know, I’m a bad mom, but Tim Hawkins understands.

Are you familiar with Tim Hawkins?  What’s your favorite line, skit, or song?  Have you ever seen him perform live?

Monday movies: Julian Smith

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In spite of my intentions, I’m defaulting again to somebody else’s videos rather than our own.  Our planned videos were too planned (I promise we’re not that boring in real life), and spontaneous ones are understandably difficult to plan.  If we come up with a good one, I’ll be happy to share.

In the meantime, I have a feeling you’ll enjoy the YouTube sensation known as Julian Smith.  If you haven’t already met him, you’re in for a treat.  We haven’t actually met him either but he makes us laugh regularly.  This guy’s videos have literally millions of views, but believe it or not we have a 2nd degree connection to Julian.  He went to high school with my husband’s youngest brother, who is getting married in a couple of weeks.  Hey, I wonder if Julian will be at the wedding?

I haven’t watched all of his videos, but the worst I’ve seen so far is some mild potty humor and a little implied violence.  When I say implied violence, this one comes to mind:

Natalie and Becca brought down the house when they did their own version of this skit for our church’s talent show a few months ago:

His sense of humor is so obvious yet off-the-wall.

Some phrases from Julian’s videos have become a part of our household culture already. That’s an honor usually reserved for Disney, etc.

I thought this one was great, but Perry was slightly less amused. Maybe it struck a little to close to home? Just sayin’.

Have you seen other videos by Julian Smith? Which is your favorite?

Saturday Snapshots

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Recent news in the Shoe: this sweet little gal joined the menagerie.

PHINEAS 300x200 Saturday Snapshots

She is Lydia’s new albino leopard gecko.  She was a little prone to bite when she arrived but tamed very quickly.  Now when you pet her, she closes her eyes and arches her back just like a cat.

Did you know Megamind lived with us?

MEGAMIND 300x200 Saturday Snapshots

Parker’s hair was getting much too long so we gave him the traditional southern summer buzz a couple of weeks ago, and now his big head looks even bigger.  A guest in our home was overheard to say, “Look, his face is so small!”  We shook our heads.  If we hadn’t been eavesdropping, we would have replied by pointing out that his big ole noggin’ just made his face look small.  I don’t remember the size of his head at birth, but I’m sure it was impressive.

More of the ways that google searchers found Life in a Shoe:

  • my phone is smarter than me – I hope you have a smartphone.  If you do, we all understand and have often felt the same way.  If you don’t…well…maybe you could switch to an old rotary phone?
  • how to fit two kids in one tiny bedroom – Wait a second.  Just how small is this bedroom?  I have seen 5 or 6 kids hide in a closet during a game of hide and seek, and it wasn’t even walk-in.
  • how to fold a prefold diaperpssst!  If it’s prefolded, you don’t have to fold it.
  • super mega ultra lightning babe – Yup, that’s me.  Did you have a question?
  • bean burrito pregnancy – I never knew bean burritos got pregnant.  I wonder how long the gestation period is?
  • kid soups stew chowder – I’m pretty sure I’ve never blogged about cannibalism.
  • sitting in the pulpit rules – I can think of 2 rules: 1) Always sit in the front row so your kids will behave because the pastor is looking straight at them.  2) Never sit in the front row, because your pastor will be so distracted by your misbehaving children he will be forced to correct them by name during the sermon.
  • too much mustard – You want too much mustard?  I’ll show you too much mustard.  But let me warn you: it’s saucy.

 

Monday Movies

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This week I’m cheating.  Since we don’t have any new videos of our own, I’m going to share one from the other side of the world.

Today I was at a baby shower and caught Parker eyeing the table that held the cakes and cupcakes.  When his hand went to the tablecloth, I jumped and grabbed him.  The kids in the video below may speak another language, but I think you’ll understand what’s going on and why I thought of them.

The last one is where the action really happens, but don’t skip ahead.  For the very best effect, you must watch them in order.  They’re short, and it’s worth the time.  Trust me.  You’ll understand.

Oops. Let’s try that again.

They must have a really cool mom to let them try it a third time – or else they spend way too much time alone.

While it’s tempting to fear the worst , let’s keep in mind their parents did show this to the world.  Surely the lad lived to tell the tale.

I do have confess it’s a little disconcerting that there’s no Teil 5, though.

Have you ever tried this trick?  Have you let your kids?  Bonus points if you have it on video!

What are you searching for?

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IMG 2183 300x200 What are you searching for?

Why so serious?

Last time I shared search terms that brought visitors to Life in a Shoe, we all had a good laugh.  This one was a lot of fun too. A good joke is never as good the third time, but I’ll give it a shot anyway.  Maybe we’ll find some new jokes.

Here are a few of the search terms that I found in my stats this week:

promo code fro – I do post coupons and deals as I come across them but I don’t have any codes to save on your new ‘do, and besides: ‘fros are out.  My father-in-law got a big permed ‘fro in the 70′s, and still hasn’t lived it down.

big family small hourse – Did she mean small horse? Just make sure you take turns riding the little guy.  Don’t try to pile the whole family on at once and you should do fine.  Maybe she meant hoarse. I do get a little hoarse from yelling over the commotion sometimes, but that’s mostly because Megan likes to play swing music so loud while she does dishes.

she said i was a silly moo – Well, are you a silly moo?  What do you want me to do about it?

smoked hemlock - you too, huh?

ergo babydrager review - A baby dragger sounds a little uncomfortable for the baby and hard on the mom.  Wouldn’t you rather consider Ergo’s baby carrier?

where to live in phoenix where scorpions are not around – I’m pretty sure you answered your own question: Q: Where to live in Phoenix?  A: Where scorpions are not around.  Problem solved.

??????? 3 ????? – ummm…

where to charge the ac on a 1992 ford van – I’d say anywhere it’s hot.  We do ours in Texas, but you can do it in Arizona, California, Florida…

wasp nest in car - I’ve had a wasp in the car, but never a whole nest.  Somebody is obviously having a bad day.

shoe with live tarantula – If you didn’t find one, I have 2 live tarantulas in my little Shoe on the web.

what’s that bug that comes out when you pop a blister – Great.  I don’t know, but it probably lives in Texas like every other horrible nightmarish bug in creation.

why are there so many scorpions in my house? – Do you live in Texas by any chance?

lfe in a soe – Life in a State Owned Enterprise?  Would that be like life in the public school system?

maharashtrian monthly grocery list – I’ve sometimes wondered if I come across as a know-it-all, but honestly?  Google thinks I have the answer to this?

how much do you have to pay at cbd for f – I don’t know, but on Wheel of Fortune, you only have to pay for vowels.  They pay you for consonants.

how do u speak in binary – Speaking binary to children could be frustrating.  ”Hurry, we need to leave in 1010 minutes!”  ”You’re the 1000th person to ask me that question today, and I am not exaggerating!”  Also, we would have to change the name of our blog: Live in a Shoe: the methods and madness of one family of 1100.

In which I set a very bad example

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IMG 1377 300x200 In which I set a very bad example

I love this guy's sense of humor

When Deanna and Megan caught their 5yo brother roaring with laughter in the dining room as he struggled to pull up his pants, I had to explain on his behalf.  With tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks, I couldn’t have played innocent if I tried.

He had come to me for help.  ”Mom, do you know where any of my belts are?”

I waffled.  ”Why do you need one?”

He cocked an eyebrow at my ignorance and inexperience, and gave the obvious answer: “Because my pants keep falling down!”

I was skeptical, so I squatted down for a closer look.  ”Really?”  Lightening fast, I reached out and yanked his pants down around his knees, leaving him in his whitey-tighties.   “You’re right!  They do!”

Someday I’ll grow up.

In the meantime, I’ll have to watch my back.  A few minutes later, I felt his presence behind me.  When I spun around, there was a glint in his eye.  ”Mom, does your skirt ever fall down?”

 

What are you searching for?

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Our blog has never brought in an impressive amount of search engine traffic (can anybody tell me why?) but the search terms that do bring visitors are always good for a few chuckles.

Here are a few that caught my eye when I reviewed my stats just now while working on another project:

How to fit a family of 7 in 2000 square feet – Really?  Maybe that was a typo: How to find a family of 7 in 2000 square feet, because I’m telling ya: we would be lost in that much space!

How to fit 6 people in a 3 bedroom house – I read this aloud and my kids stared blankly at me.  ”Um…2 in each room? Someone really needed Google to tell them that?”

monthly grocery list for 300 – And I thought shopping once a month was a big job back when there were only 9 of us…

llama, llama red pajama activities – I’d really like to know what Google was thinking.  I’m reasonably sure I have never owned or blogged about red pajamas or llamas or any combination thereof or activities therein.

entertaining guests in small homes space - Well, acrobatics are out, but tap dancing or a mime act works well in a small space.

whyred ina shoe – whuuu?

quizno coupons – Me?  I rank for Quiznos coupons???   Thanks, Google!  click here! click here! (I get paid if you do.  How much?  Here’s a clue: if 8 or 10 of you print coupons, I’m off to Quiznos!)

labeling shelves in panrty – For starters I recommend avoiding typos, because that would drive me nuts on a label every time I lookd at it.  Also, I have to assume that I spelled pantry that way at least once since Google saw fit to send the searcher my way.

how to take out a toilet tank – would you believe that post sends me more search engine traffic than any other single post on my whole blog?  I’m in the top 10 on Google for how to remove your toilet tank, or nearly any other way of asking the question.

swelling during pregnancy indicates boy – Really?  Because my belly *always* swells.  I thought swelling during pregnancy indicated pregnancy.

swollten ankles pregnant boy or girl? – So far, every person I’ve met who experienced swollen ankles during pregnancy was a girl.

And all that was just in the last 2 days.  Who thinks I should do this more often?  What brings visitors to your blog?

The loss of a friend

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Posted by Megan (13yo)

I recently lost a dear friend of mine.  I hadn’t known this friend very long but in the all too brief time we were together, we had become inseparable. When I found out about the accident, I felt a gaping hole in the middle of my heart. The washing machine, that devourer, had killed my friend. This friend was named Ipod Nano the Sixth.
” Ipod,” I sobbed.  I cradled his broken body in my hand, lifting his face to my cheek.  ” Say something to me! Anything! Even Kathy Matthea!” But no. It was not to be. My friend was gone. We held a private funeral, during which scarce an eye was dry, and laid him to rest.
I remained inconsolable for several weeks, then decided that it was time to move on. I would find another Ipod, another companion to fill the dark hours of loneliness as we drove an hour to church, or the grocery store. I found a new Ipod, but as I did, I realized no other Ipod could take the place of my dear deceased friend. I don’t dislike this Ipod. I haven’t even taken it out of the case, but having him around was just too painful.
I sincerely hope he will find a good home, among people who will understand him, instead of someone who will be constantly saying “If only…”.
If you feel that this Ipod would be a good match for your family, please contact me.  He is fluent in Jonathan Park and can recite the complete audio library from memory.  I am asking $150 to help cover the cost of adoption fees for the new Kindle that will (I hope) be joining me on my journeys to church, the grocery store, etc.
For those of you that already have friends in Ipods, please, remember, their time is limited. Try to appreciate them while they’re here. Also, try not to put them through the wash.

93320 m The loss of a friend
For sale: One sixth generation Ipod Nano. Brand new, and fully loaded with Jonathan Park.

Retail Price $199.  My Price $150.

10 Reasons you have a headache and how chocolate can help

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Edited to remove something stupid and insensitive.  What was I thinking?

The following post has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my loving husband has quit buying me chocolate ice cream because he is doing his best to be supportive of my weight-loss endeavors.  I don’t know why you would even think that.  Anyway, he knows that chocolate ice cream is low on the glycemic index and therefore very helpful in keeping my hypoglycemia under control.

10 Reasons You Have a Headache

  1. chocolate stack snack 239996 l 198x300 10 Reasons you have a headache and how chocolate can helpYou’re dehydrated.  Drink plenty of water Starbucks style frap. Add cocoa powder to make it easier to take in the quantity of fluids you so badly need.
  2. You have low blood pressure, like I often do.  It will go up if you find a scorpion in your bed. You’ll need some chocolate afterwards.
  3. You have low blood chocolate.  The verdict is out on whether chocolate is a cause or a cure when it comes to headaches but I choose to believe that it helps mine, and we all know the power of suggestion.
  4. Your kids are too loud.  Maybe they’re bored.  Maybe you should give them some work.  Hey, where did they go?!  Quick, get the ice cream and a spoon…
  5. You are suffering from caffeine withdrawal.  Chocolate has caffeine.  It may take a lot, but you want to get rid of your headache, don’t you?
  6. Too much caffeine.  See?  You should have had chocolate instead of coffee.  Less caffeine.
  7. It’s hormonal.  That’s the price of being a woman, but there is an upside: everyone expects you to eat more chocolate.
  8. You’re short on sleep.  Duh.  You’re a mom.  Chocolate has just the right amount of sugar and caffeine to get you through a long day, plus it has proven anti-depressant properties.
  9. You’re stressed or prone to high blood pressure.  Did you know chocolate is well-established as a stress reducer?
  10. You have low blood sugar.  Dark chocolate is relatively low on the glycemic scale and gives a moderate, sustained rise.

Did you know that chocolate comes from the cocoa bean?  Beans are vegetables.  When you add milk, you have one serving each of vegetable and dairy.  It’s a lot like eating broccoli and cheese sauce.

Chocolate quotes:

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process…. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less.  I’ve actually done this with a tablespoon of chocolate chips.  It works!

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?

Anything is good and useful if it’s made of chocolate.

more chocolate quotes here

Have you ever tried chocolate with cayenne added?  The gentle spicy kick is a perfect accent.  It’s also good with orange, toffee, coffee, peanut butter, bacon, almonds, sea salt, raisins, and raspberries.

OK, I’ve never actually tried chocolate with bacon, but I feel confident in recommending it.  Why not?

image credit: Whizzy

My days as a feminist

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I didn’t vote for the McCain/Palin ticket in part because I don’t think women belong in politics. This isn’t because I take a low view of women or their ability to rule, but because political leadership is not a part of the role for which God created us. Isaiah makes it clear that one sign of God’s displeasure with a nation is when He sets women to rule over them, and I don’t think we need to go looking for that sort of trouble. We seem to find it easily enough without looking.

But I haven’t always felt that way about women holding office.

When I was a kid, we moved very frequently. In my first 5 years of formal education, I attended 6 public schools – one of them three different times. I was always the New Kid.

I was also very tall and mature for my age, and most of the kids seemed to assume that I was older than they were. This caused them to look to me as a natural leader. Though I had no real drive to lead, I didn’t mind taking on the role when it suited my purposes. I was a firstborn, after all.

One example comes readily to mind, and everything I said so far was really only a weak excuse to tell the following story.

In 5th grade, I was once again the new kid in the class. We had moved just one month into the school year, taking me away from the school where I had finished 4th grade, and now I was a month behind everyone else in the awkward process of getting to know each other. To make matters worse, this was a middle school made up of 5th-8th graders with 400 students in all. I had not just one new teacher and class to adjust to, but 8.  I had skipped a grade early in my education, and now I wasn’t just the youngest in the class; I was the youngest student in the entire school. Fortunately this wasn’t apparent to those around me.

Because of my size I was never a victim of bullying, but I was painfully shy and slow to make new friends. I hated starting at a new school, and this may have been the first time I didn’t just crumple into a sobbing heap for the entire first day. At least I was getting older. Nevertheless, I took my place at the back of the class and quietly plunged into schoolwork because I certainly wasn’t going to plunge into any social circles.

My first week there, my homeroom teacher announced that since we had all gotten to know each other over the past month, it was time to elect a class president who would represent our group for the rest of the year in the body of the student government. The class president would spend the 5th period of every day in Government Class with the presidents of all the other classes, where they would learn about, well, government.

There was a buzz of excited chatter as the bodies in the room divided and coalesced into two groups: boys on one side, girls on the other. Nobody knew who should be president, but we all wanted to elect someone of the proper gender: our own. Boys wanted to choose a boy, girls wanted to choose a girl.

I sat quietly on the sidelines, listening to the other girls discuss who should be nominated. As I sat, an idea came to my 9yo brain. The teacher had said we could nominate anyone we wanted, and we could each nominate anyone in the class but ourselves.

I spoke up. “Why don’t some of us nominate some boys, and everyone agree to nominate just one girl? Then the boys will all be voting for different people, and the girls will all vote for the same the one. Then a girl will be president.”

My idea was immediately adopted, and the rest of the girls set about deciding exactly which boys and girl to nominate. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but I found myself selected as the girls’ candidate. My best guess is that my great idea and apparent maturity impressed them.

I wasn’t excited about the idea of making a speech in front of the entire class, but my supporters were convinced that I was the right one for the job. I scrabbled out a quick campaign speech and did as I was bid, and so began my last year as class president.

When I told this story to my children, they all roared in laughter and disbelief at the scheme I had pulled off. “Manipulation!” they cried. “Cheating! We can‘t believe you did it!”

I say it’s just politics.

Banana dog

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PerryBoy came to me early one morning for a snack.  I wasn’t ready to get up yet so I lay in bed and told him to make himself a “banana dog.”

“Just get a hot dog bun, put some peanut butter on it, and use a banana in the middle instead of a hot dog.  It’s just like a peanut butter banana sandwich!”

He started to complain that it was too hard, then he had an idea.  ”I’m going to get some paper and write the recipe!”  As a homeschool mom, I loved the idea.   He has just begun learning to read.  He knows some of the letters and their sounds, and can sound out the very simplest 3 letter words if he focuses.  This was right at his level, and it was his idea.  Perfect.

I talked him through the ingredients and helped him sound out the words hot dog bun. I explained that people often write PB instead of peanut butter.  I told him how to spell banana and we laughed over the repetition of the letters.

He headed for the kitchen with a recipe in his hand and a spring in his step, then stopped.  He turned back to me with a look of consternation.

“But I can’t read!”

They make me smile

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45757 1571213597951 1163834869 31629601 1557094 n They make me smile

Bethany is finally showing some interest in potty training.  In spite of the fact that she has only ever gone in the potty twice, she seems to have a good idea of how the whole potty thing works in our house: whenever she hears the bathroom close, she makes a beeline for the bathroom herself.  Then she stands outside the door, pounding frantically and begging: “Puh-weeeese hurry!  I have to go potty really bad!”


Last night Bethany stood in front of the mirror arguing with her reflection.  She knows it’s not real; she was just being silly, playing with an imaginary friend.  “You’re not Bethany!  I’m Bethany!”


45506 1571209717854 1163834869 31629575 4253154 n They make me smile

One of the older girls recently spotted Perry Boy with a pen in one hand and a book in the other.  “Get that pen from him before he colors in that book!” she exclaimed. 

Perry glared at her, affronted.  “Am I the kind of boy that colors in books?  No.


Perry Boy paid me a high compliment last week. As he was getting ready to brush his teeth, he asked where the toothpaste was.  I told him it was right there on the sink, next to him.  Just to tease me, the little goofball made a big show of not seeing it, looking up at the ceiling and walls instead of the countertop six inches from his nose. 

“Where?  Where??  I don’t see it!” he insisted with mischievous glee.

I was only slightly amused.  “It’s in your nose,” I said wryly.  “Put your finger in there.  You’ll find it.”

He shot me a sideways grin and chuckled.  “Mom, you’re huh-lair-ious!  Some moms are funny and some aren’t.  You’re the kind that is!”


Did your children make you smile lately?

Why does she have fish in her hair?

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And why isn’t she famous?  This Fish In My Hair lady is fun-neee! She homeschools, and her blog is clean, and she makes twice-weekly trips to Stuffmart for milk, socks and underwear.  I’ve been reading her blog for all of an hour and I feel like I know her already.  She lives in Texas, so maybe I do know her.

I’m half-tempted to send her an underwear story, because I have a few good stories in that department and it seems to be her specialty.  She has a whole category dedicated to underwear.

A few of my favorites so far:

Have fun, and if you find something even funnier over there come back to share the link!

ht to my friend Mother Hen, who sends me all the best links and influences me to spend way too much time laughing at my computer.

Kid quotes

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Just a few recent quotes I shared on Facebook.  My kids make me smile.  I can’t imagine life without them.

Natalie: Mom, she’s been in the bathroom for AN HOUR!

Older daughter who would prefer to remain anonymous, emerging from the bathroom:  I wasn’t in there an hour.  She always exaggerates!

Mom:  You just exaggerated, too.

Anon: But not nearly as much as Natalie.  Everyone exaggerates, Mom!

Mom, stifling laughter: You just exaggerated again.

Anon is not amused.

_____________________________

27mo Bethany: Mom, can I hold Parker?
Mom: No, honey.  I’m nursing him right now.
Bethany: Can I nurse Parker on my boobies? I have milk!

_____________________________

Perry Boy: I like Parker when he doesn’t cry, but I don’t like him when he does. I still love him when he cries, though. I just don’t *like* him.

_____________________________

Perry Boy: Look! Parker has Mr. Potato Head ears!

_____________________________

Natalie:  Mom, I can tell when you’re driving instead of Dad because you’re a very calm driver. I mean, the engine sounds so *calm* when you drive.

_____________________________

Perry Boy: “Why are minutes so LONG?”

_____________________________

Perry Boy: “Dad bought this for me. It’s a booger that you eat, not in your nose.” He’s talking about a ham-booger.

What have your little ones said recently?

Games to play with an iron

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Homemakers know how to have fun too.  Who said there was only one use for a hot iron?

  1. Telephone – A game to test your reflexes.
    Telephone 237x300 Games to play with an iron
  2. Dodge-iron – It seemed like a good idea at the time.
    Dodge I 300x179 Games to play with an iron
  3. Limbo – How low can you go?
    Limbo 236x300 Games to play with an iron
  4. Iron tag –  Of course “base” should be as far from an outlet as possible.
    I tag 300x162 Games to play with an iron
  5. Home tatoo parlor – Highly efficient, but the choices are a little limited.
    Home Tatoo Parlor 300x225 Games to play with an iron
  6. Tether-iron – Remember tether ball from grade school?
    Tether I 300x275 Games to play with an iron
  7. Iron skating – safer than roller skates because they go slower.
    Iron skating 250x300 Games to play with an iron
  8. Soccer – You might want steel-toed boots for this variation on the traditional game.
    Soccor 300x176 Games to play with an iron
  9. Create unique floor art – Not technically a game, but it bears mentioning because we’ve done this.
    Floor art1 300x172 Games to play with an iron
  10. Duck, Duck, IRON! – Just like the game you played when you were a kid, except not!
    Duck Duck I1 300x162 Games to play with an iron

all images by 12yo Megan

Part of the Homemaking Link-Up

It’s so funny, they deserve some linky love

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I just received this via our contact form:

Tattoo Manufacturing is the largest manufacturer of temporary tattoos in the world and I would like to invite you to partner with us as an affiliate.
Life in a Shoe and tattoosales.com are a natural fit.  Your blog is raising a big family and we offer a product in line with that passion.

We’re a natural fit with a temporary tattoo manufacturer?  Or more accurately, our readers are.  And to think, I wasted all that time stalking you on my statcounter, trying to figure out just who visited our blog.  Finally, I have the answers I was seeking.

I’ll be watching for you now, and we’ll see each other coming.  The fading temporary tatoos will be a dead giveaway.

Oh, really?

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 Oh, really?

Searching for answers?

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If you’re a blogger, you probably like to check your stats regularly.  If you’re really nosy, you might also keep an eye on what sort of search terms bring newcomers to your blog.

But I’m a helpful person, and rather than mock the searchers, I’d like to take a few minutes to answer their questions.

I think this one takes priority:

i am dying from hemlock

Oh my.  Did you smoke it? If you did and you happen to be a rat, you have a 50/50 chance of survival.  If you’re human, your chances might be better – both Deanna and my brother survived, so that’s 100%.  But you might want to check with a doctor anyway.

While we’re on the topic of dangerous plants which resemble lovely wildflowers (hemlock looks very much like Queen Anne’s Lace) let me also warn you against Snow-On-The-Mountain and Jimsonweed.  Hey, Tim M?  The girls are really sorry, and they’re very glad you didn’t die or hallucinate too badly.

chicken pox party blogs

Can’t help you there, but I might be interested if you find one in my area.  I have 3 children who haven’t been exposed yet.

stupid tax dave ramsey

Oh! Oh!  Guess where hubby and I are going this Saturday?  Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover, here in San Antonio.  And aside from our 7 year stupid tax, I feel like we paid the stupid tax 2 more times just getting our tickets to this event.

First, we paid an extra $25 each to skip the lines and sit closer to Big Dave.  I told hubby that if Dave points at our section and uses us as an example of how not to spend your money, I hold him fully responsible.

Second, not 24 hours after we paid full price for our tickets, we received an email from DaveRamsey.com encouraging us to invite all our friends and family to buy tickets at 75% off. Grrrr.  I feel smarter already, and I haven’t even seen Dave yet.

tell me something very funny.

Once I caught a bat in a bath towel while totally naked.  It was pretty funny after the fact.  Actually, it was even funny at the time.

quotes about shoes and life

“Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes, because then you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have his shoes.”

picture of small boy in cowboy hat

Like this?

n1163834869 30260231 9124 Searching for answers?

He also tried to ride the horse minus the single article of clothing between his boots and hat.  That didn’t last long, but it sounded like this: “ow…ow…ow…”

homemade sausage seasoning

mmm…

“i have the biggest feet”

Nope, I win.  I’m not telling what size.  Just trust me on this.

how to fit 3 girls in 1 small bedroom

Just 3?  Can you hear the laughter from my 8 girls, who all share a 12×11 room?  They had 2 rooms but decided to move together so the other room could become the family library.

how to tie stonehenge with nursing

Let me know if you figure this one out, because I’ve always wondered about that too.

tanya lost a shoe

Well, I don’t know Tanya but if she’s missing a shoe it’s probably somewhere in my house.  That’s where all the lost shoes are.  But there’s no point in her coming to look for it until she throws away the remaining shoe.  That’s when they always turn up.

flood of 99

Don’t remind me. So. Much. Poop.

There.  See?  You’ve got questions, we’ve got answers.

He’s treading on thin ice

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The Boy asked earlier this week if he could go to work with his dad.  When Dad said no, his face fell briefly.

Then his eye lit on his sister – one known for being big and bossy.  We won’t mention her name.  We’ll let you try to figure it out, but we’re not telling.

So, his disappointed eye lit on The Big Bossy One and his face brightened again.

“Can she go to work with you?!”

We usually keep our toilet in the bathroom

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Rachael just woke up, popped her head out of the rubbermaid tote, and did something really funny.

Yes, she was sleeping in the container where we usually store the Christmas lights.  Does that seem strange to you?  That wasn’t the funny part.  You obviously need more children.

She asked if she could be done with her nap, crawled out of the tote and stumbled straight past the bathroom to the laundry room door.  As we watched, she wrestled the door open.  It sticks, and she was frustrated, but she did it.  She disappeared inside while we shot each other puzzled and amused glances.

After a few long moments, she stumbled back out with her undies around her ankles and her ballerina costume hiked up.  She looked angry.

I managed to blurt out helpfully, “Honey, we moved the toilet into the bathroom, right there.”

She gave me an annoyed look.  “Yeah.” Apparently she didn’t appreciate my stating the obvious.

As she shuffled to the bathroom, she glared at all our faces, contorted with restrained laughter.  “What?”

Needless to say, she decided to lie down for just a few more minutes.  She’s back in the container now.

box 300x164 We usually keep our toilet in the bathroom