If you want to know how to avoid sibling squabbles, I have to confess I don’t have the answer to this question.  We have our share of bickering and bossiness.  I like to think our children are best friends and get along wonderfully, but that doesn’t mean they are perfect.  They bicker and squabble over the most ridiculous things.  They remind me of a couple of other sinners I know, whom the children also happen to look like.

The important thing is that they also admit fault, ask forgiveness, and keep being best friends.  In a coincidence of astounding proportions, this is also a very accurate description of the relationship between me and my sweetheart.

The fact that we don’t set a perfect example doesn’t mean we are allowed or obligated to tolerate or condone strife and contention in others.  It means we need to take the problem all the more seriously, beginning with ourselves but doing our best to nip it in the bud with the children as well.

The Bible has a lot to say about strife, contention, and those who cause it.

Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.

Proverbs 29:22 A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.

Proverbs 20:3 It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling.

Proverbs 17:14 The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.

Proverbs 6:16-19 There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.

When we correct the kids, we emphasize that one person’s sinful attitude does not justify the sins of another.  We are each responsible for our own sins.  At the same time, when arguments happen I try to impress upon each child that she probably could have ended or defused the situation by exercising humility, and her pride led her sibling deeper into sin as well.

Book recommendation: Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends

Website description:

This painfully honest, hilarious book offers a creative look at how to build relationships between siblings. The goal is not just for brothers and sisters to get along, but to be best friends. Sarah, Stephen, and Grace Mally reinforce, in a fresh and innovative way, the very principles we parents talk about daily with our children. Each sibling wrote a section of every chapter, offering their unique perspective, with riotous personal anecdotes, all related to how the three of them became best friends. We read a few pages every day, and I am always delightfully surprised by how well the children remember and apply what we have read.

See what the other moms are doing about the problem:

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Are you scared?  I am.  Parenting styles vary immensely and can be a hot button topic, so there’s room to offend everyone in one fell swoop.

I’m just kidding, though.  If you’ve been reading Life in a Shoe for more than 10 minutes, you know we’re not afraid to offend.  We do try to avoid needless offense and let the Gospel offend, but even there we sometimes fail.  Maybe I should just ask forgiveness in advance, though I’m not at all sure forgiveness works that way.  Maybe you should just close one eye and hum while reading, so that you miss the bits you didn’t want to catch in the first place.

Enough small talk.

I only generally recommend 2 books when it comes to parenting style.  I’m sure there are other worthy books, but these are the 2 that instantly spring to mind.  The Bible comes first, of course.  If you didn’t see that coming, Go directly to jail.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.

The other is Shepherding a Child’s Heart, by Ted Tripp.  I have to confess that it’s been several years since I cracked the book, but I still give it to new moms at nearly every baby shower I attend.  The basic idea is in the title: we must shepherd the hearts of our children.  We do discipline, but we strive to identify and correct heart conditions rather than just dealing out swats for outward misbehavior.  We don’t want to raise children who just know how to comply with rules when necessary; we want to raise Christians who seek to obey and serve God with their whole hearts.

And the Lord said: “Because this people draw near with their mouth and honor me with their lips, while their hearts are far from me, and their fear of me is a commandment taught by men, ~Isaiah 29:13

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. ~I Corinthians 10:31

In this sense, our parenting style has not changed much as we moved from 20yo parents of an only child to 38yo parents of 10.  I hope our execution has improved; I hope we have become better at discerning our children’s motives and emotions, and better at leading them (and occasionally kicking them) in the right direction.  But our goals have not substantially changed.

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. ~Proverbs 13:24

But methods – aha!  Therein lies the rub.  Some parents feel very strongly about exactly how one shepherds the child and the heart.  I like to think that my style is the Biblical style, but even that leaves much room for methods and actual practice, and I know that my own methods and practice are far from perfect since they are being executed by a very imperfect person.

For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. ~Romans 12:3

I can tell you that our parenting style has changed a bit over the years.  Our first child had our full attention.  She got away with very little, and was corrected immediately and sometimes sharply.  As the years passed, we quickly added children.  They were still under near constant supervision from me while they were young, but the mechanics were a little different.  They did get away with things right under my nose because there were 4 of them and I only had 2 eyes.  The girls have some great stories from these years, stories that are still surfacing.  They should write a book someday, together.  I’ll buy it to see what other stories they neglected to tell me.

Now that the very young are outnumbered by the more mature members of the family, there are eyes everywhere.  Once again, the little ones don’t get away with much.  Since older sibs now help with supervision, discipline is different too, but it’s rarely needed because so many infractions are headed off at the pass.

We have also learned that corrections need not be sharp.  Children can learn to obey a soft, kind word as well as a sharp one, and will usually obey with a sweeter heart.  I wish we had known this from the start.  The echoes of our own sharp voices and words will doubtless inhabit our home for years to come.

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. ~Proverbs 31:26

Did you think I was going to tell you exactly how to do it?  I’ve posted about disciplining children in the past, but here’s all you get today:

1. Pray for guidance and discernment.
2. Read your Bible.  Proverbs is a great place to start.  Proverbs for Parenting is a very helpful resource, but don’t stop there.
3. Talk to your husband.
4. Read your Bible some more.
5. Get counsel from godly friends who are close to you – people who know you and your children.
6. Read Shepherding a Child’s Heart.
7. Start over again at #1.

Not confident that spanking is the best way?  Here’s an alternate method of discipline that seems to get good results.

The other moms are talking about it too:

• Smockity Frocks, who has learned to relax over the years.
• Raising Olives, who acknowledges that while the principles stayed the same, she too has relaxed in some ways over the years.
• Common Room, who goes on a delightfully characteristic stroll through the forest of parenting with lots of useful notes along the way.

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• September 22 – Q&A
• September 29 – {surprise}
• October 6 – Keeping up with housework in the midst of homeschooling

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• August 18 – Large Family Logistics linky, part 2b
• August 25 – Large Family Logistics linky (appendices)
• September 1 - 4 Moms practice patience in the midst of chaos
• September 8 - 4 Moms make lunch for the menfolk {linky}

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enter our current giveaway: Spiral Slicer

Welcome back to the weekly 4 Moms post, in which 4 moms with a collective total of 35 children share our knowledge, experience and and helpful tips in maintaining health, order and sanity.

This week we’re talking about spending one-on-one time with children when you have a whole brood of them.  Are the 4 moms all on the same page?  Checking with each other ahead of time would be like comparing answers on homework.  We’d be homeschool moms caught cheating.  Oh, the scandal!

Click over to find out how our answers compare. If you’re an early riser, you might know before we do.

I didn’t consult with the other moms ahead of time, but I did ask my lifeline: hubby.  He knew me well enough to know that I often feel guilty about this area.  He also knew me well enough to assuage my ovarian guilt.  He reassured me that although I don’t always plan for one-on-one time with my children, it happens in the course of our day.

Individual time, aka quality time, comes when I give a reading lesson to the preschooler, when I read a picture book to the toddler, when somebody helps me make my bed, when we cook together, when I help somebody with her hair or get my own hair styled.

Individual time might be when I help an older child with math, when we sit together in my room to read our Bibles, when 2 of us squeeze together in front of the monitor for a secret youtube viewing with the volume down low, or I take somebody on an errand.

It might be a quiet cup of coffee or cocoa with an early riser, a bedtime hug that stretches into a 5 minute review of the day’s highlights, or a middle of the night snuggle before somebody gets sent back to their own bed.

It can even be a short, sweet chat with the toddler while I change her diaper or wash her face.

Individual time, aka quality time, does not have to be over ice cream at the local fast food restaurant, though that certainly qualifies.  Much like Bible time, school time, and other important parts of our life, we think individual time can be planned, but often works best when tightly woven into the fabric of our daily lives.

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