Ami said, I have six kids. When I had 2 kids I was good at it (school/read aloud/housecleaning/meals). When I had 4 kids I was capable. Now I am decidedly not.   

I love my relationship with the Lord and truly glory in my weakness. I am so grateful that I am not in a performance based relationship with him  But, here, in this flesh, on this earth, I have to get things done. And Jesus is not down here holding a crying one year old while I get dinner made  And I don’t remember how to educate or make meals anymore. So my question is, How do I do it? How do you redeem your days? What about when you forget how you used to function?

I find myself in the same boat, and I also wonder about the whys and wherefores of the change.  How did I go from reading whole series aloud, to reading so little that finishing a chapter book is cause for celebration?  Who am I, and where did the old Kim go?

I used to create a meal plan every week without fail, and now I can’t seem to do it two weeks in a row.  We did 6 subjects in school every day, and my house was generally clean.  I read entire series of books aloud to my children.  And I had 4, 5, or 6 little ones, with no help.  What happened?

I think it really does get harder in some ways because as our children get older we are pulled in different directions.  It’s harder to find a book that will appeal to everyone at once, and it’s harder to find the time to sit down and read – especially if what you are reading is not universally engrossing.

With 20 years of experience and several helpers, it’s easy enough to put off planning and just wing it when it comes to meals – even though planning would save time and money.

There are enough of us to clean up after the little ones, so they don’t have to learn to clean up after themselves.

And I’m not the 20-something I used to be.  A sleepless baby can put me out of commission for most of the day.

How did I used to do it?  How can I do it now?   I can’t by my own strength, but I never could.  Just like the old days, I do my best and ask for grace and peace about the things left undone.  Or I don’t do my best, and ask forgiveness and help to do better tomorrow.

I ask my husband again about priorities so that we can be on the same page.  I am blessed to have a husband who cares about lightening my burden, so he offers suggestions, pitches in to help, and rallies the troops.  Maybe your husband will do this if he knows enough about your struggles?

From Tanya: We have a family of 10. And my laundry pile is huge! We have more clothes than we need but I am curious how much clothes, shoes, etc per person to keep. Do you have some sort of system for that? And do you get rid of clothing when there out grown or save it for a younger sibling?…at this point we are saving a lot but it doesn’t seem to get used by the next either because the seasons are different or their body sizes are different. Also getting the kids to help with chores etc is like pulling teeth any thoughts on that also?…thanks

I strongly suspect we have too many clothes, but we do work hard to stay right on top of the dirty laundry.  I hate when the washer goes out and it becomes an instant crisis because we were already operating on the cusp of disaster!

One thing that makes a big difference for us is to keep all the dirty laundry in one place, where I can see it easily.  If it’s out of sight, I forget about it entirely.  If it’s divided into a separate hamper for each bedroom or each person, we can be 12 loads behind before we know it!  When it’s all in one place right under my nose, “behind on laundry” means we have 3 or 4 loads to do.

Another thing that helps is not allowing the little ones to have free access to their clothes.  Anyone young enough to enjoy a good game of dress-up is young enough to require supervision.  When the 4yo needs fresh clothes, she has to ask first and have somebody watch her get them out of the drawer – so we know she isn’t emptying her drawers onto the floor searching for her very pair of underpants.

I pass clothes directly from one child to the next whenever possible, because the “out of sight, out of mind” principle works here too.  If we pack it up to save it, there’s an excellent chance we will forget about it until it’s no use to anyone.  If we don’t have a very near-term use for an article of clothing, we donate it and plan to buy again later from a thrift store.

How do you organize kids clothing? Anything you especially keep or don’t keep? 

Our clothes right now consist of 3 cubbies for each child, plus hanging space in the closet.  The cubbies hold:

1. Tops
2. Underclothes & pjs
3. Bottoms: pants, shorts

Some of us have a few more cubbies as the system has evolved, but that is basically how it works.

When it comes to hand-me-downs, I usually only keep what I expect to use within 2 years.  That means I am keeping none of our 4yo daughter’s clothes because we don’t have another little girl up-and-coming.  We try not to keep anything too worn or stained, of course, which means nearly all of the boys’ clothes get pitched faster than they get passed.  I keep just a few newborn outfits because they tend to receive them as gifts and use relatively few.

I also keep very few heavy coats or other winter apparel because they take so much space to store and we use them so rarely – sometimes we go the entire winter without needing more than a jacket, and most of my Texas-born children don’t even know what a snowsuit is.  I don’t own anything heavier than a lightweight denim jacket myself.  I just layer it with a sweater on the really “cold” days.

Ideas for healthy yet inexpensive snacks? I’ve got a boy who is 4 years old and could eat me out of house and home.

Most of our snacks are real food: anything that works for lunch works as a snack, too, and it probably has more staying power than traditional snack foods.  I also lean heavily on milk as an add-on.  It’s a good balance of protein, fat and carbs.  Peanut butter is another versatile source of protein.  Anything with protein and fat will tend to keep kids satisfied for longer.

• Animal crackers and peanut butter
• Apples and peanut butter
• Banana bread with peanut butter
• Any appealing leftovers I’m eager to get rid of
• Banana roll-ups: spread peanut butter on a tortilla and wrap around a banana.  If we happen to have extra hot dogs buns, we do this and call it a banana dog.
• Cake or muffins made of leftover oatmeal or other hot cereal.  Serve with a big glass of milk.
• Peanut butter and jelly sandwich – heavy on the peanut butter (we keep tortillas on hand instead of bread, so ours are pbj roll-ups)
• Carrot sticks and ranch dressing
• Tortilla chips and salsa – the only chips we do in our house with any sort of regularity.  We buy these in a big box from Costco, very cheap and much better for you than potato chips.  Maybe it’s weird outside of Texas, but my little ones beg for salsa.
• Peanut butter and banana smoothies

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Rachel has a question that I’m going to share this week not because I have the answer, but because I think she’ll be encouraged to see how many of us share her problem:

Question (and it’s a long one!): Have any of you ever had a child that struggled greatly with potty training? My almost 5yo boy has had such a difficult time with this particular skill and we’re at our wit’s end with how to help him (he’s very smart otherwise, reading and writing, doing simple addition, etc.). He has had weeks at a time where he does really well and I think we’re done. Then he’ll have a week or two where he’s having accidents of both kinds again. We’ve tried rewards/consequences, and his brain just doesn’t seem to work that way. His usual excuse is that he “just forgot”. I’m so frustrated with this situation! His two sisters (almost 7 and almost 3) have had no trouble in this area so it’s hard to understand what the deal is with him. :/ Any words of wisdom from any of you ladies? Not necessarily a solution, even, just a “there’s light at the end of the tunnel” kind of encouragement. Thank you!

Rachel,

I don’t think it’s a gender issue.  Half the time I hear that boys are easier to train, and half the time I hear that they’re harder.  I do seem to hear that they often train later, but that doesn’t really sound like what you are dealing with now.  I’m going through the same frustration with my almost-5yo daughter, and also did with another daughter until she was 5 or 6.  Both had many accidents, but the part that frustrated me was not the accidents.  It was the fact that they didn’t seem to care; they were content to wear their accidents.

In both cases, I think physical maturity played a role because both wet a lot at night, when urine production is typically very low.

In the case of one child, I think maturity of one sort or another was the main cause.  She was physically able, but just didn’t have the attention span, maturity or self-awareness required to really care about it until she was older than many.  She is a sweet and beautiful girl, but does tend to be a late bloomer in some aspects even now.  I’ve learned to be ok with that because she’s worth the wait.

In the case of the other child, I think accidents could also be a sign that she needs more attention.  I don’t mean that she does it on purpose, but maybe that she has a tendency to not pay attention to herself so that others will.  She is more needy than our others have been, and it takes a lot of loving to fill her love tank.   I can’t complain, because she gives it all back with interest and I know she will outgrow the accidents someday.  In the meantime, I just try to enjoy the times when she can sit on my lap without both of us needing to change our clothes.  :P

I do have a related question, though.  The second daughter mentioned above seems to have very low sleep needs, i.e. she needs less sleep than any 4yo I’ve known.  She lies down every day for a rest but rarely falls asleep, and wakes bright and happy after a 7 hour night.  I think she doesn’t sleep soundly at night either, often waking us just because she is bored, lonely, or can’t find her blanket.  I honestly think she could function well on less sleep than most adults, at an age when all my other children were still heavily dependent on naps.  Does anyone think this could be somehow connected to her incontinence, esp. at night?  Is she producing urine when the rest of us don’t because her body isn’t spending 9-10 hours in “hibernation mode”?

And I would also love to hear others’ solutions to Hadley’s problem, which I share:

Here’s my question for next week What do you do with things like shoes, bags, coats, etc. that usually get dropped on our floor at the back door? Mail, things that need to be returned to folks, things that get brought in the car, etc. I’m trying to come up with a workable plan for all our junk at the back door. It’s OVERWHELMING!

What, indeed?  I’m full of great and useful threats that would doubtless solve the problem if only I were mean enough to carry them out:

“Any shoes left on the floor can be found in the goodwill box, which gets donated every Monday.  If you’re missing shoes, I suggest you look for them before Monday.”

“For every item you leave in a vehicle, you’ll have to bring in 3 extra items and put them away.”

“Anything left on your bedroom floor for the 9 AM inspection will go straight into the trash.”

“If your bedroom isn’t clean by the 9 AM inspection, you will miss breakfast.”

Probably the most useful plan was the rule that a person had to put away 2 extra things for every personal item left in a living area or other inappropriate place.  It didn’t teach them to put things away in the first place, but it did provide a convenient cleanup plan when they didn’t.

Sarah asked,

When did your sons learn to snap their pants (and had the hand strength to do so)? what did you do until that point? Special brands to buy or something?

This wasn’t an issue to me.  I just snapped when he needed help, and if pressed for an answer I would say that my children probably still needed occasional help until about 5.  A bigger potty-help issue to me: how long should I help them wipe?  Ugh.  We all want to be done with that duty as soon as possible – the helping, I mean – but if we rush it, the consequences are so much worse.  My general rule of thumb is to let them do it as soon as they can exercise a reasonable amount of awareness about the geography down there (exactly what needs wiping, and where is it?), then carry out regular backup wiping until I see consistent signs of good hygiene.

Just in case you didn’t already pick up on this, we’re in the throes of potty training once again.  Parker is at Day 7 and doing great!

I am wondering how you handle disobedience/ tantrums in the car? Do you pull over and discipline right away? And what if you can’t do that?

I’ve noticed that this rarely happens when I have been consistent about enforcing rules.  Of course children will act up now and then, but in general they push the boundaries that seem worth testing – the ones where they think they have a chance at victory.

I have pulled over to deal with incidents right on the side of the road when I felt it was necessary.  When I felt it could wait or just wouldn’t be safe/appropriate to do it NOW, I switched my pinky ring to my index finger (my way of tying a string ’round my finger so I won’t forget) and dealt with the incident as soon as I reasonably could.  After just one or two roadside incidents, nobody felt the need to test that particular boundary for a very long time.  Added bonus: when they know you’ll stop the car, they also believe you’ll get up off the couch, get out of bed, lay the baby down, or do whatever else it takes to address disobedience promptly.  Stopping the car = major score in the Mean What You Say category.

I don’t remember if I asked this before, so kindly disregard me if I did (chalk it up to postpartum Mama brain.) But how do you ladies handle difficult news stories? Things like Newtown, Boston, Gosnell. We have no TV so our children aren’t bombarded with inappropriate images daily, but our kids do listen to the radio, and even christian news outlets cover these stories at length. We address the questions as they come, but I wonder if I should address them in a specific manner? I don’t want to sweep it under the carpet. The world IS an evil place, but I wonder sometimes if having my 6 year old hear about these tragedies is a grievous parenting error. But, I can’t avoid it altogether either!

We listen to a lot of talk radio and tend to discuss the big stories, so our young ones are exposed to some of the horrors of what happens in our fallen world.  However, we try to avoid getting too wrapped up in the details and especially about filling the heads of the very young with those details.  It’s not uncommon for me to say, “We don’t need to talk about the details of what happened.  It was very, very sad.”  Or, “We don’t need to know all about his sins.  We know that he broke the 6th commandment and did some very wicked things.”  I think it’s important for kids to understand that wickedness is defined by breaking God’s law, so they need to know His law and what sorts of things people might do to break it, but it’s up to parents who know their children best to decide how much detail is healthy for that child right now.

I also think that questions should be answered to a certain level, even about horrific events, because a child’s imagination is likely to run away and just wondering can cause him to dwell even more on the wickedness.  But like other delicate subjects, it’s helpful to avoid offering more detail than the child is requesting, and sometimes the answer can be, “You don’t need to know that right now.”

How would you answer these questions?  See what questions the other moms are answering today:

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• The Common Room 

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

When time is short and you know you can’t get it all done, what things are at the top of your list? What’s the most important things in your day/week?

My mantra each morning is, “Jobs, Bible, School!”  I don’t usually command breakfast because I know it will happen.  I concern myself more with the items that are important but prone to procrastination.  Basically, we have a flexible schedule that focuses more on the order of operation than the time of day, and these are the items at the top of the list for us.

Things that can wait on busy days: deep cleaning, decluttering, school subjects outside the 3 R’s, projects of any sort, baking sweets.  Well, except brownies.  Those are on my list of priorities, especially on a busy day.

How do you deal with lying when there is no hard proof of who didn’t it, though you strongly suspect who did it?

When there is no hard proof, I follow the Biblical rule that “in the mouth of two or three witnesses a thing is confirmed.” [Deut. 19:15, I Cor. 13:1] If we don’t have witnesses, we don’t have a conviction, i.e. no punishment.  But if I have strong suspicions, I will often have a private word with the suspect, choosing my words carefully to avoid the possibility of false accusations.  I say something like, “You know that we have no witnesses to tell us what happened, but God knows.  If you didn’t do it, I’m very glad.  If you did, you need to confess because the Bible says that a hidden sin eats away at us, and God hates lying lips.  We should be more afraid of displeasing God, who knows all of our sins, than of confessing that sin.”

After that, I don’t stress about it.  I have a feeling that too often accusing a child of lying without solid proof can discourage them and leave them feeling that they might as well lie, since they are already thought of as a liar.  I have also learned that when a child begins to lie, he/she will keep it up until the sin is caught and dealt with.  You’ll have another chance, so just keep both eyes open and you will soon have another opportunity to instruct.

At what age do you start talking with your girls about puberty/periods etc and how do you do it?! (my 3 year old already notices sometimes when i’m using sanitary pads, given that i’m rarely able to go to the loo by myself!)

Of course this depends a lot on your own comfort level with the subject, but I’m very open with our children about puberty and sex.  If our kids are old enough to ask questions, I just try to give them answers they will understand.  I usually try to not to volunteer a lot of extra information and unnecessary details, being careful to answer only the specific question.  We have 5 teens now – one of them married – and this approach seems to have worked very well for our family.

Shoes!! How do you store every day shoes?

Ditto on the shoes! I have just two little ones (a toddler and a newborn) but shoes seem to take over!

With the younger children, I try not to have too many pairs.  I know wee little shoes are adorable, but somehow the more shoes your child owns the harder it is to find two that match!  When we nothing but littles they usually had just two pairs: dress shoes and play shoes.  Now that I have more help, we can handle a little more: church, sneakers, sandals or flip flops.  This is Texas, so they like to have boots too.

As they get old enough to take care of their own shoes, the collection tends to expand.  Our new house has built-in shoe racks in each closet, which helps immensely with storage.

Once they are old enough to buy their own shoes, all bets are off.  Some of my teens owned over 20 pairs of shoes at one time, though most try to keep their collections a little more manageable.

Laundry : what are the logistics of getting it done and back in the closet/drawer? We don’t have a family closet and only 1 ‘big’ to help with this task (with the excepting of putting away, which they all help with )….. thank you !!!

I would love to hear how other big families handle laundry!  We are always tinkering with our laundry system, but here is what works for us right now:  Everyone is responsible to get their laundry to the laundry room, where they sort it into either the Light/White bin or the Dark/Bright bin.  Then one person is responsible to wash/dry 2-3 loads each day, sorting clean laundry into baskets as it comes out of the dryer.  Clean laundry is sorted by bedroom, so it’s just 4 baskets plus one for linens.  Then the residents of each bedroom sort and put away their own clothes from their room’s basket.  Each of the younger children has an older one assigned to help make sure laundry is put away properly, but they do most of the work themselves.

How do you teach your 2yr old to obey the first time every time and how long does it take? Mine has started throwing fits and when I tell him to do something he says “It’s FINE!” or “No”. He obeys when I move but not before I do.

We teach by requiring first time obedience, every time.  The key is consistency.  If you want your little one to obey the first time, you need to correct each time he waits.  If he doesn’t get corrected when waits for you to move, then he’ll keep waiting.  It is human nature to test the boundaries, and if he has learned that you don’t really mean it until you move, then that is when he will obey.  If my 2yo waits until he sees me heading his way and then obeys, I still correct and say, “No, you didn’t obey quickly.”  Sometimes it’s helpful to do a quick replay.  It may feel a little silly to you, but tell him “Let’s try again so you can obey quickly.”  Then go back to where you were and repeat your command.  This helps him to be very clear in his mind about what is acceptable and what is not, and gives you the opportunity to praise him for obeying promptly.

Verbally refusing to obey is an instant swat in our house, so it almost never happens.  I often say something like, “God tells you to obey your parents.  Did you obey?  God says I have to swat you when you disobey, and I’m going to obey God because I love God and I love you.”

Throwing fits is never acceptable in our house.  I correct with a firm swat and say, “No, you obey happily.”  If he doesn’t calm down right away, you might want to put him in his bed until he is done so he doesn’t have an audience.  If your little guy is already in the habit of throwing fits, it may take a while to break the habit, just as it can take an an adult with a bad temper some time to learn to manage his temper.

You might not be comfortable swatting a 2yo, but regardless of how you discipline or correct him, the more consistent you are the sooner he’ll believe you mean it.

It may sound like we give a lot of spankings, but that’s not true at all.  Generally speaking the more consistent you are, the less often your children will need them and they are relatively rare in our house.  When I find myself having to discipline more often, the first question I ask is, “Have I been less consistent lately?”  Inconsistency and letting bad behavior slide produce unpleasant children who test every boundary far too often, because they have learned that the standard is different from day to day and hour to hour.  Our children are far from perfect, but they are usually pleasant and well-behaved, and I think this is largely because we have worked hard to consistently train them to God’s standard over the years.

How would you answer the questions above?

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Happy Thursday, friends and moms.  We have an announcement to share: We’re going to change the format of our posts to weekly Q&A’s.  You are invited to post your questions on the 4 Moms 35 Kids facebook page every Wednesday – just watch for the announcement and be sure to post your question under it so we don’t miss you!

The current plan is that once each month we will continue to have a topical post in which all of us answer the same question in more depth than our Q&A posts – unless the toddler, preschooler and 4 other children conspire to sabotage somebody’s computer time.  In that case, you’re lucky there are 4 of us Moms.

Here are the questions I chose from this week’s list, mainly because some sort of answer immediately popped into my head when I read them.  I hope you won’t mind that I skipped the ones which elicited a blank stare while I thought to myself, “I have no idea what helpful advice I could possibly offer that poor soul.”

How did you guys handle late pregnancy/postpartum when you had all littles? Expecting no. 4 any day now, and currently have all littles, 6, 4, 2. I froze a few meals ahead of time, but the housecleaning is already suffering. Did you guys just plod through the season, knowing it would be over soon? Or make some sort of action plan?  ~Elizabeth

 Elizabeth, the short answer is, yes, I plodded through.  I planned ahead when I was able, but sometimes I just felt rotten at the end of pregnancy, and it’s actually easier for me to take things a day at a time than to try to plan everything ahead.

One thing I do consider to be a priority before the baby arrives is child training.  Make sure you consistently require first-time obedience, because they will test all the boundaries as soon as you sit down to nurse a crying newborn.  While you’re thinking, “Don’t make me put this baby down!” they have to know that you are absolutely ready to do exactly that.

How do you handle your personal fitness and health? ~Celina

 Celina, my activities change all the time, but here is what I do now:

1. I try to do a few quick exercises every morning.  While getting dressed, I often do a set of push-ups and/or kettle bell swings.  I often do longer, slower exercises in my room during my morning Bible reading: planks, leg lifts, bridges, etc.
2. A couple of times/week, Perry and I go work out at a nearby gym.  This is new for us, but before we moved into town we used to walk or jog as often as we found time, which was rarely as often as we should have but better than nothing.  :)

I’m still carrying a little extra weight from the last few pregnancies, but I’m feeling better all the time and enjoying a more active lifestyle than most of the past 10 years.

What do you do to make mornings smooth? Mine are crazy & we homeschool. I need a good transition from breakfast to chores to school. ~Claire

 Claire, I”m glad I’m not the only mom who struggles with that!  I can’t tell you how often I look at the clock and realize we spent the entire morning on food and chores!  I don’t have the secret to smooth mornings, but I have learned a few things that help move our mornings along:

• Have a fixed order for doing things: My mantra is jobs, Bible, school.   Breakfast happens when it happens.  You might like to start with Bible, but I find it hard to focus on what I’m reading when there is a mess around me.
• Clean up before bed to minimize morning chore time.  I love it when we go to bed in a clean house so we can get right to Bible in the morning.  
• Make sure your kids understand the standard.  Our new rule is that bedrooms must be clean before breakfast.  If you sit down to breakfast, you are telling me that your bedroom is clean.  You’d better not be lying.
• Be vigilant to avoid distractions – even “good” ones, in yourself and the children.  That closet may be sorely in need of cleaning, but don’t do it in the morning.  Don’t let your kids spend 30 minutes culling their clothes in the morning when they should be making the bed and heading downstairs.
• Prioritize.  Don’t feel like a failure if you don’t get it all done…again.  Start with the things you consider most important and work your way down the list.  School works better for our older ones in the afternoon when the little ones are having naps and quiet time.  School for little ones doesn’t have to happen every day, and it doesn’t have to take long.
• Try again tomorrow.  And the next day.  And the next.

Do you use the “buddy system” like I’ve seen on the Duggars? And if so, at what age do you pair up an older with a younger? And what duties does the older buddy do for the younger and what do you not give the responsibility for? Our oldest is 6 1/2, youngest is 6 months, (3 others in between) and we’re considering having the oldest and youngest pair up in another year or so and having the oldest help with carseat in and out, serving/cutting food, help getting dressed, brushing teeth etc. And then any future babies, if God gives them, would be paired up with the next oldest child. Any thoughts on “buddies”?  ~Jaclyn

 Jaclyn, we have used a system like that on and off over the years, and I keep telling myself we should go back to it.  There are no hard, fast rules; just do what works best for you and your kids.  What you suggest sounds reasonable if your oldest is mature enough and is excited about helping.  I usually don’t have them change dirty diapers or help with baths until much older, but a 7yo can be a capable and enthusiastic helper in countless other ways.  It sounds to me like you’re on the right track with your ideas.

What are your favorite dinner recipes that your families like?  ~Debbie

 We’re working to cut our food budget, so right now we’re experimenting with what we light heartedly call “peasant food.”  We recently tried and enjoyed Greek fakes, Louisiana Red Beans and Rice, and often have homemade chicken pot pie (light on the chicken, with lots of veggies) or dinner quiche.  We’re having fun with new ethnic foods, and I want to try my hand at Ratatouille soon.  We also eat a lot of homemade artisan bread and challah bread.

My 11-year-old daughter is growing up FAST physically…I’m curious how you handle “leg shaving” – like what age do you start that?  ~Jamie

 Strangely enough, I’ve never had to “handle” leg shaving.  We don’t object to our girls shaving when they are old enough to become self-conscious about the hair on their legs, and they have all started at what I consider to be a reasonable age, somewhere during puberty – often without my knowledge, because it simply hasn’t been a big deal.  Of course I’ve also been asked by 7 and 8yo’s, but they’re just asking for fun and they easily take no for an answer.

When watching a movie as a family, how do you keep all the questions,comments, needless talking down? We are a family of four right now and I am constantly saying “sshhhh”. Do you have a no talking rule during the movie?  ~Stacey

 This question makes me giggle, and I hardly know why.  I think this is one of those things that drives some people insane and others hardly think about it.  I go from one extreme to the other, but subtitles keep me sane.

We do allow quiet, courteous talking that is not disruptive or overly distracting, but it often gets out of hand.  If someone initiates a serious discussion about the movie, we sometimes pause the movie and engage the topic.  Who wants to miss a teachable moment like that?  But if there is just too much chitchat, we either turn on the subtitles and pity the non-readers, or tell them to shush – and when we say it, we mean it.  An unrepentant chatterbox might be invited to leave the room or go to bed, since he or she obviously finds the movie uninteresting.  We’re heartless like that.  ;)

Do you keep all hand-me-downs? If you do how do you keep them organized?  ~Tonya

 I have learned to never turn down an offer of hand-me-downs.  I want people to keep sending them our way, so we accept them gladly and pass along the ones we don’t need.  For teens and adults, we keep almost nothing that we won’t wear right away.  For younger ones, I try not to keep anything that is more than a couple of years away from fitting.  For example, I am getting rid of 4yo Bethany’s clothes as she outgrows them because even if our next baby is a girl it will be at least 5 years before she can wear Bethany’s things.  I tend to stockpile a little more for the boys than the girls because boys are harder on clothes.  No surprises there!

I keep clothes that aren’t currently being worn in containers labelled by size, one smallish rubbermaid-type tote for each gender/size in storage (remember, these are just for the little ones).    If it doesn’t fit in the tote, we either pass it on or thin the contents of the tote to make room.

Did I answer your question?  Maybe one of the other moms did:

• Smockity Frocks
• Raising Olives
• The Common Room 

Recent topics:

• February 21 - 4 Moms Q&A: bedrooms and bedtime
• February 14 - 4 Moms: Valentine’s Day recipes and a story {linky}
• February 7 - 4 Moms: the daily schedule

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

 Welcome friends.  This week’s 4 Moms post is a Q&A about bedtimes and bedrooms.  On your mark…get set…GO!

1.  So here’s my question for all of you… How do you handle bedtime with 4 under 4? My youngest two are 1 1/2 and 3 months, and bedtime when my husband is not home is awful (he doesn’t get home till sometime between 8 and 10pm).

Oh. my. goodness.

I have no advice.

Well, just this: I would keep the bedtime routine super simple and short.  Baths can happen at other times of the day.  Teeth can be brushed right after dinner.  Bedtime stories are good if they help settle the kids, but totally optional.  A quick prayer and a kiss is all it takes to be a good parent, and I’ll confess that we have never done bedtime prayers with any regularity.  Even pajamas can be optional if you and your kids are OK with it.  With 4 little ones and no help at bedtime, no one in their right mind will blame you for questioning habits and traditions, and stripping the routine down to the bare necessities.

2.  I have 3 boys in 1 room ages 3, 7 and 9. Any suggestions on bedtime?

We have found that bedtimes don’t really need to coincide just because kids are sharing a room.  Staggered bedtimes can sometimes make it easier for kids to wind down, since they are not there to play with each other.  On the other hand, it might be easier to get it all over with at once.  I put our boys to bed at the same time and often sit quietly in the doorway after the lights are out, correcting them if they try to play.

If you feel the younger ones need to be in bed earlier, they can learn to sleep through late arrivals – or just go back to sleep without drama if they are awakened.  Of course latecomers should do their best to be quiet.

The point here is that there are no set rules; much depends on your children’s habits and temperaments, how they interact with each other, and how you want bedtime to work.

3.  How does the division of rooms work in your new house? Are the bedrooms the same size? Same amount of rooms? Are you still using the shelf beds?

Most of the bedrooms are a little bigger than the old house, and we now have 4 instead of 3.  We also have far more closet space!  Here’s the breakdown:

The boys have the smallest room.  Calvin sleeps in our room, so for now it’s just 6yo Perry and 2yo Parker.  I keep all of their clothes in their walk-in closet and most of the toys are in the sunroom, so their room really only has beds.  We found a great deal on craigslist for matching car beds, one twin and one toddler size!

The 3 oldest girls (17yo, 16yo, and 14yo) share the middle-sized room.  It’s about the size of the bedrooms in the old house, but there’s a small bonus: a second-story deck.  I’m a little jealous of the view.  We offered to buy them beds, but they were adamantly against such a waste of space.  Instead, they used their “bed allowance” to buy chalkboard paint and a bright red sleeper sofa – another craigslist deal – so that they could decorate their bedroom as a sitting room.  They use the mattresses from the old shelf beds, just laying them out on the floor at night and rolling them up in the corner of the room during the day.  They think their bedrolls are much more comfy than regular mattresses, but are thinking of trying thinner Japanese style mats to save even more space.

They have their personal collections of books and pets displayed on shelves mounted high on the wall to preserve the limited floor space.  They hope to add a drop-down style table soon to hold Kaitlyn’s old-fashioned record player and provide a surface for laptops, etc.

Instead of a walk-in closet, they have two double-door closets covering one wall.  The inside is immaculately organized with shelves, cubbies and hanging rods to make use of every square foot for their myriad shoes and extensive wardrobes.  It’s a wonder to behold, but I don’t know if they want the world to behold it so I didn’t take a photo of the inside.

The biggest kid bedroom belongs to the 4 younger girls: 13yo Natalie, 11yo Becca, 8yo Rachael, and 4yo Bethany.  They have 2 walk-in closets.  Each of the older girls is paired up with a younger one to keep their closet in order, and each has one entire side to herself.

They have bunk beds with a full size bed on top and a [full size] futon on the bottom.  Rachael usually sleeps on the bottom with Becca, and Natalie is all alone on the top, waiting for Bethany’s bladder to grow.  Right now Bethany has her own toddler bed, because…um…we don’t want to change full size bedding every morning, if you know what I mean.

Perry and I share the master bedroom with baby Calvin.  We have a walk-in closet like the kids, and I have to say it feels luxurious to have one entire side of the closet all to myself!  And we have our own bathroom.  It’s glorious, I tell you.  I love this house.

4.  Instead of bedtime, how about waking up?? they all share a room great EXCEPT for the waking each other up in the morning, for some too early, because the rule right now is that they can’t come out till 7. But when we tell them they can just come out when they wake up, they choose incredibly early times… the excitement of being up with mom and dad must be off the charts for our children  even when this mom and dad are practically comatose

If your children are old enough to trust for a little while in the morning, I would instruct them to start their day as soon as they get up.  This alone might motivate them to hang out in bed a little longer.  ;)

If they are too young to be unattended, then you might want to manage their sleep a little differently. I know this isn’t always the case, but if a child is consistently waking up too early, my first answer would be to see that they might not need so much sleep – either move bedtime to a little later, or skip naps.  This would definitely be my first move with children too young to trust alone, who are waking up before I do.  Ideally, they should sleep until they’re not sleepy anymore, and then wake up – with wake up time landing right where I want it to.  Of course that’s easier said than done, and it takes a little trial and error to figure out how much sleep a particular child needs.

If that doesn’t solve the problem, I still wouldn’t want to discourage an early riser, but I certainly understand the inconvenience.  Rather than discouraging a good habit, I would look for ways to work with it.  Maybe you can change the rule a little? If early morning is your quiet time, then anyone who wants to rise early with you must be quiet too.  If it’s Bible time, you could require them to read as well – even if this means a pre-reader sitting quietly and looking at the illustrations in a children’s Bible.  If it’s your coffee time with hubby, then other early risers could be restricted to the living room sofa with a book.

5.  We just moved our toddler out of the crib and our 8-month old sleeps with my husband and I. We are trying to get some form of routine – keeping toddler in bed and get baby used to the crib. Any sleep suggestions? How does a tired momma get sleep at night??

 Are they both in your room?  Wherever they are, I would focus on diligently putting them back in their beds when they wake up.  It might seem easier to bring them to your bed because then you can sleep too, but in the long run it just prolongs the situation and you get less sleep.  Guess how I know?  I still sigh every time Perry reminds me of this, because all I want to do is get a full night’s sleep, but I know he is right!

Also, you might want to wait until the toddler has adjusted to his  bed and is sleeping well before you try to transition the baby out of your bed and into the crib.  Two changes at once sounds like more than I would want to tackle, and you may be provoking an additional problem if the toddler resents the baby moving into his bed.  I find it easier to stagger changes whenever possible so that I’m only dealing with one major issue at a time.

Oh, and when you learn the secret to getting enough sleep at night, let me know.  :)

6.  We have three girls 14, 12, & 10…and two boys 7 & 1. We have 3 bedrooms for them. Oldest has own room, middle girls share, 7yo old hates to sleep alone, but we cannot get 1yo to be on same sleep schedule as big brother.  So for now 7yo is w/oldest sister & 1yo is in our closet… What do we do???

 I’m not quite sure I understand; is the boys’ bedroom empty now?  At any rate, it sounds like the kids have found a temporary solution until your boys are sleeping better, if the 14yo doesn’t mind terribly.  If it were us – and we have a very similar situation going on – I would make sure the 7yo knows that he belongs in his room, even if he wakes up with his sister most mornings.  I might also keep the little guy in the boys’ if he’s sleeping through the night, and let them adjust to each other’s schedules.

We just started having this problem since we moved to a new house, and I’m finding that a little reward in the morning goes a long way toward motivating a boy to stay in his own bed.  I have a treat jar with small individually wrapped candies and some quarters, and every night that 6yo Perry or 2yo Parker stays in his bed, he gets to choose a treat.  If one or both of them wake during the night and try to join their big sisters, they gently remind him that his treat is in jeopardy, and he usually decides to go back to his own bed.  On the rare mornings that he insists on staying with a sister, Perry wakes up annoyed that they didn’t send him back to his own bed.  Parker just shrugs it off and decides to try again tomorrow.  :)

7.  Do your kids ever share beds, either because they want to or because that is their set up?

 They often share beds for one or both reasons.  Right now, 8yo Rachael sleeps with either 13yo Natalie or 11yo or Becca, who have full size bunk beds.  2yo Parker usually starts out in Perry’s bed instead of his own.  Regardless of where he starts out, he often wakes during the night and climbs into Becca’s bed – maybe because she is such a light sleeper that she was always first to go to him if he woke during the night.

8.  I have a really hard question for you: How is your last name pronounced?? It’s been bugging me for months!

Our last name is spelled Coghlan.  There’s no U or I in it, even though family and friends who have known us for most of our lives still spell it that way. It’s pronounced koff-lan.  I know, it doesn’t look like it sounds.  When someone needs to spell my name and I don’t expect to meet them again, I pronounce it kog-lan, because even though I spell it out slowly and distinctly, they ALWAYS put a U in it, and an I for good measure: Coughlin.  They still do it even when I try to make it sound like it looks, but at least I can console myself with the knowledge that I did everything I could to avert the mistake.  Their misspellings be upon their own heads.

See what the other Moms say:

• Smockity Frocks
• Raising Olives
• The Common Room 

Recent topics:

• February 14 - 4 Moms: Valentine’s Day recipes and a story {linky}
• February 7 - 4 Moms: the daily schedule
• January 24 - Q&A with the 4 Moms: lies, jealous toddlers, and why doesn’t anyone invite you to dinner?
• January 17 - 4 Moms: What do you do for your children, and what do they do for themselves?
• January 10 - I have neglected to  post on Thursdays for so long that I entirely forget to feel guilty
• January 3 -  Still slacking, but beginning to feel a little guilty
• December 27 -  I continue to be a slacker
• December 20 -  I become a slacker and whine my way out of posting
• December 13 - 4 Moms share Quick and Easy Holiday Recipes {linky}

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

I know, I know.  It’s Thursday and the other Moms are way ahead of me.  I hope you already visited all 3 of them to see their Q&A while I was still sleeping  taking care of a newborn.

I put a last-minute request on Facebook for some easy questions that wouldn’t reveal the effects of sleep deprivation.  Here’s a sampling of what I received.  I may or may not have picked the easiest ones.

Savannah Perkins-Berniquez um…what’s 2+2?

Bless you, Savannah.

Savannah Perkins-Berniquez This might have been covered before, but in what ways do you purposefully spend quality time with your kids? right now we have 3 (soon to be 4), and the baby doesn’t really need mommy or daddy dates yet..but I’m curious how those with BIG families do it..i guess also just looking for ideas

Oh, I see, Savannah.  You were just buttering me up for the hard question!  Fortunately, the 4 Moms posted on that topic already, so I don’t have to think of a new answer.

Kimberly Rivera How DO you get those babies to sleep through the night??

Well, first I’ll confess that Parker is still a little hit-or-miss when it comes to sleeping through the night.  He was a high needs baby and was high-strung long before birth.  I felt him startle in the womb at every loud noise that came along, and in our house that’s a lot!

Now if you still think I might be a good source of advice, I’ll recommend my previous posts about how I got my [other 9] babies to sleep through the night from an early age: Sleeping babies Q&A and Sleeping Like a Baby are good ones to start with.

Elizabeth Clouser Sacks I’ll ask you the same one I asked Raising Olives: How on earth do you handle homeschooling after having a newborn? Do you take time off? How much? How does everybody else get along? Esp. the little ones? I am SUPER interested in your answer, because we are expecting no. 4 in March, and our other 3 (6, 4, 22 months) might need more of a transition than I expect. I’m looking at taking a month off possibly, just so everybody has time to adjust. But I’ve never done this before, so both of your perspectives will be wonderful help!

Elizabeth, we school year-round and take time off whenever we need to.  Even when nobody is sitting at the table with pencil in hand, learning happens, so I have learned too: I have learned not to stress over the particulars of the school schedule and just make sure their brains are getting plenty of exercise.

Since your children are so young, I would especially encourage you not to stress over missing school time.  Just do a little informal review every now and then to make sure they don’t lose what they have already learned, and pick things up again when you feel ready.  You may find that relaxing your school schedule can make it an enjoyable passtime for the kids rather than a source of guilt and stress for you.

Just read aloud to them (Bible and other books), engage them in discussions, and encourage them write, draw, etc.  If they are reading at all on their own, have them read with you a little each day.  If they can sit next to you on your bed while you rest and nurse the baby, everyone will be happy.

Katelyn Ahlgren How many months/years between each of your children? What’s the most important thing you have done/eaten to maintain your health through childbearing and nursing? Will you post pics of how you organize your new house, once you’re happy with it!

Our oldest 6 are about 19 months apart.  After that, our spaces are closer to 2 years.  Our last two are 28 months apart.  I know it could be due to declining fertility in my 30′s, but honestly I think it’s because my later babies have nursed longer than the first several.  In the early days with so many littles, it was harder to find time for nursing so our babies tried more solid foods at an earlier age and nursing tapered off sooner.

The most important thing I have done to maintain my health?  I know diet is important, but I have heard that exercise is even more vital to health.  While I loudly proclaim my hatred of exercise, I have tried over the years to stay in reasonably good shape and I think this has helped prepare my body for so many pregnancies as well as helped me recover from them afterwards.  Now Perry is after me to start fitness class in 6 weeks.  He seems to think that just because he is working out regularly, I should do the same.  Pbbbt.  [I really appreciate his encouragement and I know I need the extra motivation because - did I mention this? - I hate exercise.]

Kelley Dennis How do you deal with jealousy or competition in your teen girls? I have two that are 14 months apart, and though their Dad and I greatly discourage it, they are always competing with each other with everything from friends, clothing, school….ugh! I dread the day that boys are thrown into the mix!

Kelley, I do agree that competitiveness can become very unhealthy and think you and your husband are wise to watch and mediate, but I don’t feel the need to completely discourage.  Instead, we make sure our children’s interactions are governed by Scripture.  Competition can encourage both parties to work harder and do better, or it can discourage and tear down others.  When we see unkindness, we correct it as such.  When we see healthy competition, we encourage it.

Instead of competing directly with each other, they need to set their goal on honoring God with their best.  With the right goal in sight, some friendly competition can provide good motivation and encouragement.  When the competition itself becomes the end goal, then there is a definite problem.

I think in your example, it can be dealt with as selfishness.  Does one child want to succeed only so that the other won’t?  Does she want to buy/wear that particular blouse because she knows the other really wants it?  Does she want somebody to be her best friend because she knows that person is her sister’s best friend?  That’s a lot like a toddler who only wants a particular toy when she sees somebody else playing with it.  It’s coveting, and God forbids it.

Once these patterns are established it’s much harder to change them (ask me how I know!).  Change can be painful, but the sooner you can do it, the better.  Especially if you do it before boys are thrown into the mix.  :)

Andrea Garlach How do you start introducing the Bible to little ones? Any tips for starting a Bible/worship time for kids who have never had one? We go to a bible study where they have their own lesson, but as far as doing stuff as a family, it’s something i want to incorporate, but feel at loss as to what to do since I didn’t grow up in a religious home and don’t have an example to follow

We talk about the Bible every day in every imaginable context, so even if our little ones aren’t part of the conversation they are being exposed to the Bible.  They are listening and learning that the Bible is the foundation of our thinking.

When it comes to reading from the Bible, I love the Golden Bible.  It is heavily based on the King James Version of the Bible, only lightly edited to simplify, and includes far more of the Bible than the typical children’s collection.  The illustrations are beautiful and reverent (no silly pop-eyed Jesus), and there are no additions to the text as far as I can tell.

We also read to them directly from the Bible, and have them read from the Bible as soon as they are able.  Psalms make a good starting point since many are short and may be familiar already.  The book of Jonah is another good one for beginning readers, again because it is short (just 4 chapters) and tells a familiar story.

We often read a daily chapter of Proverbs together.  There are 31 chapters, so you can do this every month.  You might be amazed at how soon your children begin to recognize their favorite verses and are able to complete sentences as you read.

Whatever you do, be sure to allow plenty of time to discuss.  Don’t be frustrated if you have to stop OFTEN to answer questions and don’t cover as much material as you had hoped and planned.  Just be happy that they are engaged and thinking, and follow the rabbit trails!

Heather Bunting How do you survive the first trimester when you only have littles?

Heather, I had terrible morning sickness with my first 8 pregnancies, so I feel your pain!  I learned to pare down my activities to the absolute minimum during those difficult times.  We ate a lot of cereal for breakfast, peanut butter & jelly for lunch, and very simple dinners.  My kids watched a lot of educational DVDs because I simply couldn’t crawl off the couch some days – or if I did, it was only to run for the bathroom.  I changed the toddler’s diaper, did dishes and laundry, and picked up the toys at the end of the day.  Everything else could wait.

I learned to let go of the guilt and took comfort in the knowledge that I wouldn’t be sick forever, and each time there was a great reward at the end: a new eternal soul in my care.  :)

Lela Smith Erthein How do you deal with playmates from outside your family /church.

Lela, we lived in the country for the last nine years so all of our kids’ playmates were from church, family and work.  Now that we’re in a neighborhood with actual neighbors, I’m wondering the same thing.  How do you deal with them?

Amanda Hartung How to get littles to be kind even when they’re frustrated?

Amanda, I have a little mantra I repeat to my children: Don’t let others lead you into sin.  Then I might elaborate, depending on the situation: “I know she wasn’t nice to you, but is it ok for you to be rude because somebody else is rude to you?  Did you like it when she was rude to you?  Are you treating her the way you want to be treated?  No, we’re not talking about her sin.  We’re talking about yours right now.  I’ll talk to her about her sin…”

If it’s somebody too little for that, I simplify even more: “No, you be nice.  Love your sister.”  No need to discuss the sins of others with others.  I deal with them individually, based on their own actions, and remind them each, on their own level, that the actions of others do not excuse their own bad behavior.

Anna Aho How do you teach little children to take care of books?

I don’t, but I’d love to learn how.  Paperbacks are consumables in our house, in every sense of the word.  If they’re not destroyed by a toddler within the first week, they are typically eaten by the baby in the second week.

Shalayne Lammiman Do you sleep your babies on their front, sides or back?

I’m a victim of ovarian guilt.  While I personally believe that the dire warnings against letting your baby sleep on his [pick your time period with its accompanying sleep position: side, belly, back] are mostly nonsense based on scare tactics, poorly executed studies, and faulty logic, I could never deal with the guilt if my baby succumbed to SIDS while sleeping in a non-AMA approved position.  Until they can roll over and thwart me and the AMA, I currently put my babies to sleep on their backs.

Mary Jo Murch What do you do with babies who want to be held all the time and won’t sleep in their beds? My 16 day old is like this and I’m not sure what to do. Cry it out? Just enjoy snuggling him and not worry?

My general practice has been to let them work up to a good solid cry before picking them up, and if I want them to learn to sleep in their own bed I just sooth them a bit, check for needs (diaper? hungry? too warm or too cool?) then put them back in bed.  You might want to read my posts on getting babies to sleep through the night, linked above in my answer to Kimberly.  I do let an older baby cry longer than a very young one, though I wouldn’t say I let them cry it out.  So far, 9 of my 10 babies have developed very good sleep habits from a young age.  The other one contributed heavily to my personal sanctification, so it’s all for the greater good.

The other moms are taking questions too:

• Raising Olives 
• Smockity Frocks
• The Common Room

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• October 11 - Introducing kids to technology
• October 18 - Food preservation
• October 25 - How do you keep the car clean?
• November 1 - Q&A

Recent topics:

• September 27 - 4 Moms address biblical femininity and modesty in girls
• September 20 - Large Family Gift Guide by the 4 Moms
• September 13 - 4 Moms: Handling different standards between you and your husband

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

This week is another 4 Moms Q&A session!  Here are some of the questions I received this time.  If you have a question you would like to see answered in an upcoming session, keep an eye on the Life in a Shoe facebook page.  I usually ask for questions on Tuesday or Wednesday before the Q&A post.

How do you keep you teen children in church?

 Our respectful, obedient teens only leave to take the little ones on bathroom trips, but duct tape is good for the stubborn ones.  It is reasonably inexpensive if you use it conservatively, and it’s easy to keep a roll in your purse or diaper bag.  Just make sure it doesn’t leave adhesive on the pews/chairs.

In all seriousness, we make sure our older children understand the importance of regular worship.  Skipping church isn’t an option, so keeping them in church just isn’t an issue.  If one began to drag her feet about attending church, we would look for and address underlying issues, because those decisions don’t happen in a vacuum.

What were the biggest changes you found in raising girls and boys?

 Noise and activity levels come to mind immediately.  My girls are anything but tame, but the day our boy started walking was the day he started running laps around the house – and 5 years later he hasn’t stopped.  We have worked hard to teach him manners so he’s not wild and crazy…just crazy.  His energy level is on a whole different spectrum than the girls, and he needs direction to burn that energy in a non-destructive way that doesn’t make others want to attack him with a roll of duct tape.

Another difference that I have found is in how our boys deal with altercations, discipline and correction.  With girls, there are often hurt feelings and emotions to deal with after any sort of unpleasant encounter, whether it is a disagreement with a sibling or a correction from a parent.  In contrast, I have found that our boys are generally willing to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, apologize and/or accept apologies, and move on with their day.  They tend to accept correction and instruction in a very matter-of-fact way, with no hard feelings and lots of good discussion.

What tips do you have for gently shepherding a child’s heart when they are still babies? My daughter (my first) is 7 1/2 months, and I can already tell she wants something when its in your hand, and she gets defiant if she doesn’t get her way (in other situations, too). Right now I’m calmly saying the word “please” before something is handed to her, to try to teach her to associate the word with asking for it. Do you have other ideas?

 I love this question, and I think it’s great that you are already thinking in these terms!  Too many parents assume that babies can’t understand these things so they allow them (i.e. train them) to be demanding little tyrants – and then the rules abruptly change when parents decide they are old enough.  This just isn’t kind to the baby.  They can begin to learn good manners and a sweet disposition from the very start, and you’ll find that you have a much more pleasant toddler than the Terrible Two-year-old that some people think is inevitable.

To answer your question, your baby is old enough to start learning sign language, if you are interested in taking that route.  The sign for please is a very common one to start with – just a pat on the chest with one hand.  I would also suggest that you make sure she have a good attitude before you hand over the desired object.  If she is being angry or impatient because you didn’t hand it over quickly enough, just move it to where she can’t reach it and tell her in a firm voice, “No.  You be nice.  Don’t be mad.  Do you want it, please?”  As soon as she relaxes, give it to her.  At first, this may mean waiting a minute or two until she has begun to lose interest, but babies are smart and she’ll catch on quickly at her age.

This idea can be expanded to other areas as well.  Just try to spot a bad or demanding attitude wherever it shows itself and deal gently but firmly, as it sounds like you are already doing.  Consistency will pay off, and I think you are on your way to having a very sweet little girl!

Tips for keeping littles (7 months, and two 22 month olds) quiet in church.

 Maybe you’ll enjoy these posts from a few years ago about how we train our babies and little ones to be quiet in church.

I’d love ideas on simple weddings when you have a large family. My oldest is 20 and my youngest is 2 months and I have 5 in between.

 We’re new to the world of wedding planning, since this is our first!  I’ll be happy to share more about it afterward if it goes well.  If not, well, you can learn what not to do.  We’re definitely keeping it low-stress and not worrying about too many unnecessary details.  We are keeping it mostly traditional but relatively informal.  My oldest is so not a details person, and I have decided that if certain things about her wedding are not important to her, then they’re not important to me either.  It’s very freeing!

What do you do with an overly-emotional little boy who cries at *everything*? His siblings don’t do this, and I’m at a loss as to how to handle it. I don’t coddle or encourage, but brushing it off / ignoring it hasn’t seemed to work either. Help!

 While we as moms want to be gentle and understanding, we do not want our children to be ruled by their emotions.  Proverbs 25:28 says,  A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.

My basic response with either gender has been to admonish them to self control.  With a very little one, I would simply correct him in a firm voice: “No, that’s not a reason to cry.  You hush.”  With a 7yo, I would explain to them that falling into tears without a very good reason is very much like having a tantrum of sadness instead of anger.  It’s sin, and they need to work hard to control themselves just like they would if they had a bad temper.

It might also be helpful if you can determine why he does this: is he high-strung? Prone to self-pity?  Easily frustrated?  Using tears to deal with anger?  There may be an underlying cause that you can identify and address to help him overcome this tendency.  If you can get to the root of his tears, you may be able to give him some useful tools to deal with the problem.  If he’s high strung, he can learn to go to his room for some quiet time if he’s feeling stressed.  If he is prone to self-pity, he needs to learn that this is another form of selfishness.  Get the idea?

See what the other moms say:

• Raising Olives 
• Smockity Frocks
• The Common Room

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• September 13 - Handling different standards between you and your husband (homeschooling, dress, etc.)

Recent topics:

• August 30 - 4 Moms: First weeks with a new baby
• August 23 - 4 Moms’ favorite fruit recipes {linky}

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

It’s Q&A week with the 4 Moms, friends, and here are a few of the questions I received on the Life in a Shoe facebook page.  So sorry if I didn’t get to yours this time.  I’ll try to make time to answer more questions in a separate post soon!

1.  Jennifer asked, How hard was it going from having 1 child to having 2 kids? And was going from 2 to 3 easier then 1 to 2? thanks!

 Jennifer, I think this answer depends on a lot of factors: the mom’s temperament, the children’s temperament, lifestyle, etc.  But I think the biggest factor might be the time between your children.  For me, one and two children were easy.  Three was harder – many say that it’s the hardest – but four was the hardest for me.  I think that’s because mine were so very close together.  My oldest was only 4 when my 4th child was born.

My theory is that when a child reaches the age of about 5 years, they are old enough to become a net asset.  That’s not to say that they can take care of themselves, but they can help enough to make life easier rather than harder: they can dress themselves, get a glass of milk for themselves or their younger sibs, make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, wipe up a spill, start the DVD player…Oops – did I say that last one out loud?

That means that when your oldest turns 5, adding children to the mix will begin to get easier rather than harder.  You’ve reached something of a tipping point.  If you have 2 children by then, 3 children will seem a little easier when the time comes because you’ll have a helper that you didn’t have with 2 children.  If you have 3 children when your oldest turns 5, then 4 will seem easier.

Of course the age can and will vary from one child to the next depending on the child’s maturity level and how much is expected, but you really can expect it to get easier as time goes on.

2.  Josalyn asked,  How did you decide when to have another? And how did you decide a comfortable budget not a selfish one?

 Josalyn, I posted a few years ago about our position on birth control and a bit about how we arrived there, so the short answer is that we don’t decide: we self-consciously leave that to God.  Perry has a more detailed post about our journey but it’s not quite finished yet.  :)

Regarding the budget, we try to be good stewards of what God gives us, always tithing off the top and trying to provide for the future as well as taking care of current needs.   In the past, we had a more relaxed view of debt and often carried a credit card balance.  In recent years, we entirely got rid of the credit cards – even the “emergency” card.   Now we keep an emergency fund instead, and are working hard to pay off the modest mortgage on our home/land as well.

3.  Sara asked, Kimberly touched on this a couple of weeks ago, but I need ideas of things for my kids to do this summer! My oldest will be 8 yo, then we have a 6 yo, 4 yo, 3 yo, 1 1/2 yo and due in Sept. with baby 6! We need to increase our chore duties, but some other supervised ideas would be helpful! Thanks!

 Sara, we do a very relaxed school schedule year round so we don’t have to come up with ideas to keep busy during the summer.  :)  However, the kids do have a fair amount of free time every day, and once their chores are done here are some of the ways they spend it:

• Sewing
• Drawing
• Reading/researching a personal interest
• Playing games alone, with each other, or with me
• Water play, especially on hot summer days
• Forced labor*

Adrienne, I think being the second generation of a very big family gives me a huge advantage.  I have a very thick skin when it comes to those comments.  I have found that most comments come from people who mean well enough and may just be lacking in manners.  I answer pleasantly and positively and they just don’t bother me.  I often try to slip a little something meaningful into my answer:

Comment: You must be a lot more patient than I am.  I can hardly handle having one!

Answer: I wasn’t this patient when I had only one, but I think God uses kids to help teach us, too.  I’m still learning patience every day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comment: That’s a lot of kids.  Is it a religious thing?

Answer: Yes, we’re Christians.  The Bible teaches that kids are a blessing, so we’re thankful for each one God sends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comment: You have how many kids?!  Is this your last one?

Answer: We’ll see.  We believe kids are a blessing from God, so we’re happy to take them as He sends them.

Most of the time, people respond positively when I do – or I’m just naive and oblivious enough to think they are being positive.  Either way works for me.  :)

The rare negative comments that the kids hear may become the topic of conversation later, but again it just doesn’t occur to us to be hurt by the comments.  It goes something like this: “Better you than me.  I can hardly stand my own 2 kids!”  Kids whisper as we leave, “I feel so bad for that lady’s poor kids.  It doesn’t sound like she likes them at all!”

5.  Lindsey asked, What do you do with all the completed work? Workbooks? Artwork?

 Lindsey, maybe I’m a bad mom but we keep little or no schoolwork.  The kids think it’s fun to be allowed to toss or dramatically destroy finished workbooks, and I encourage it because it’s one less thing I have to find a place to store.  They do keep journals and sketchbooks, as these take a long time to fill and require relatively little space.

We also have some artwork in the file cabinet, but often we choose to scan or photograph art rather than saving the original.  This lets us save it digitally and also makes it easier to organize and share.

6.  Kayce asked,  If you breast fed. How did you wean? Baby led, sippy cups? My daughter is 15 months.

Kayce, I breastfed all my babies so far.  In 8 out 10, weaning was a sort of joint agreement.  They began to lose interest and I was happy to let them eat more solid food and nurse less until we both entirely forgot about nursing.  Those 8 were weaned anywhere from 12-20 months old.

In two cases, the nursing baby began to transform into a demanding toddler who wanted to be nursed RIGHT NOW and didn’t deal well with delays.  Those children were gently but firmly weaned some time after their first birthdays (around 14-16 months, I think?) primarily by breaking their schedules up a bit: I purposely delayed the first morning feeding by distracting them with food or a cup of milk; I nursed them a half hour before bed instead of just before bedtime, etc.  When they learned not to expect feedings at a concrete time, it became much easier to fill them up on solid food and drinks and entirely skip feedings, and over the course of a few weeks they were painlessly weaned.

The other moms are taking questions this week, too.  Here’s what they say:

• Connie at Smockity Frocks answers the age-old question, How do you do it all?
• Headmistress @  The Common Room, who reviews several recent Q&A posts
• Kimberly @ Raising Olives talks about potty training, life with a newborn, and beginning homeschooling

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• May 24 - Homeschooling when in a rotten temper

Recent topics:

• May 10 - 4 Moms: Favorite frugal tips
• May 3 - 4 Moms: Cooking with leftovers {linky}
• April 26 - 4 Moms: Homeschooling through pregnancy or chronic illness
• April 19 - 4 Moms Q&A: courtship, dental bills, and 40,000 diapers

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

This week’s 4 Moms topic is Q&A.  Specifically, that means your Q’s, and my A’s, although it might be fun to reverse that every now and then.

I asked on Facebook Wednesday afternoon what you wanted to know, and here are the questions I received:

Q. I want to know about your kids and the Bible…not sure exactly what, but wondering about them and reading/understanding/applying.

Most of our children who can read well have read the Bible at least once on their own.  The teens have all read it several times.  While we don’t always read together, the Bible is a constant foundation in how we see the world, analyze issues, and develop our own opinions and positions.  It is a part of nearly any discussion that arises, from firearms to family, parenting to politics, history to health, books to birth control, discipline to demographics.

I apologize for the abundance of alliteration, but when the Bible is connected to everything, the possibilities are positively panoptic.

We interrupt this program for a special announcement: the 4 Moms ebook is now available for your Kindle from the Amazon Kindle store!!!  Get it here: 4 Moms of 35+ Kids Answer Your Parenting Questions. More coolness: we’re currently #49 in the Parenting category!

If you already own either version of the book, we would LOVE for you to pop over to Amazon and write a review.

We’ve come up with a creative solution for those who already bought the ebook but wish they had waited for the Kindle, and we have a treat for those who
are among the first to buy the Kindle version.  For further details see The Common Room, but hurry, because this offer ends Saturday night at 7.P.M. Central Time.

Now we return to our regularly scheduled 4 Moms post.

Q. Courtship! What model of dating/courtship did you and your husband follow and what do y’all desire for your children.

I shared the story of how Perry and I met in Boy Meets Girl.  While it was far from traditional dating, I don’t think it was exactly courtship either although it was our parents’ idea long before we thought of it. We learned much from our own experience and hope to do things a little differently with our children, but we’ll have to see what situations and possibilities God lays before us.

Our greatest desire is to protect them from temptation as they seek to live their lives for God’s glory.  We want to help them find spouses without “practicing divorce” by having a series of romantic interests or relationships.

In our ideal scenario, a family friend whom we have known over time will express an interest in one of our daughters.  Because we know him and possibly his family very well, we will know whether this is a good idea and will have a good idea of whether he is ready for marriage, how his strengths and weaknesses might complement those of the daughter in question, etc.  If he is ready and we consider our daughter to be ready, we would present the idea to our daughter.  If she liked the possibility, we would encourage him to spend more time in our home, her in his family’s home, and our two families together.  We would make an active effort to get know him more and let them get to know each other on a more personal level.  Soon, we would hope to know if the two are compatible and want to get married.  This would be something of a joint decision that we hope both sets of parents and both young people and even their pastor(s) would all agree upon.  If so, engagement would be short and sweet – just long enough to plan a wedding.  Then they would live happily ever after.

Of course we can’t count on everything fitting neatly into our ideal scenario and there are endless possible variations that could work just as nicely, but it’s good to have a plan from which to start, don’t you think?

Q. How do you cover the dental bills?

We have a group policy with United Healthcare through Perry’s employer, but I just got an online quote and it looks like our policy only costs about 25% more when you purchase as an individual.  Unlike medical insurance, dental insurance is quite affordable and an excellent investment if you’re the type to have regular cleanings, x-rays, etc.  The price of the policy we use doesn’t change for a big family even though there are proportionately more claims, and I feel confident that UH is losing money on us.  From our side, that’s good.

Since I have had a propensity to cavities all my life (and a couple of the kids seem to have inherited my weak enamel) we do regular cleanings, sealants, etc. for the entire family and it all costs very little out of pocket aside from our monthly premium.

Recently we’ve become aware of the idea that teeth, like the rest of the body, may be capable of healing, but this is entirely new territory and we’re far from giving up our semiannual cleanings.  We haven’t really even begun to look into it, although I know that the name Weston A. Price comes up a lot when people are discussing these things.  What do you think of the theory?  Sensible, quackery, or are you withholding judgment until you know more?

Q. How do you deal with squabbles between the older kids and the younger kids. There’s 10 years between my 2 and big brother gets fed up with little brother following him around and talking so much.

I would be really curious to hear my kids’ view of this and see how it matches up with my view of what I do.

I think I try to stay out as much as possible, encouraging them to settle disputes peacefully and patiently, especially when it’s older ones complaining about younger ones.  They all remember being the little ones who wanted to tag along with older children, and I try to remind them while little ones may sometimes seem like an annoyance, the best way to help them become less annoying is to include them and give them every possible chance to hone their immature social skills.  Too often “annoying” little kids are simply little kids left to their own foolishness and immaturity, instead of being influenced by the older people in their lives.

I also remind them to treat the little ones as they would want to be treated.  Would they like it if I just told them to go away and leave me alone?  Wouldn’t it hurt their feelings if I acted as if I didn’t enjoy or appreciate their company, or if I had no interest in what they wanted to tell me?

Finally, when the older ones have company or a special reason that it might be best for the little ones to be scarce (a new calligraphy set, for example), I simply tell the little ones that it’s time to let the older one(s) have some private time.  When an older one wants to be left alone constantly and wants nothing to do with younger ones, that can signal a problem, but as long as a person is kind about it and uses the privilege sparingly, there’s nothing wrong with a little private time.

Q. How much do you step in when your kids bicker?

When it comes to bickering among peers, again trying to stay out of the dispute and encourage them to settle it peacefully.  This time, though, my line is a little different:

“Are you sure you want me to help settle this?”  Imagine me saying that in a slow, ominous voice.

If 2 older children can’t settle a dispute over a piece of clothing or whose turn it is to use the computer or who should clean up the lotion that somebody left out and the toddler spilled on somebody else’s bed, I’m creative.   I can always come up with a quick and easy solution that will encourage them to seek a peaceful resolution next time.

Q. Have you ever had a child who didn’t want to be homeschooled? If so how did you address it?

As 2nd generation homeschoolers with a wide circle of homeschooling friends and acquaintances, we managed to thoroughly indoctrinate our children against institutionalized government schooling from a very young age.

We teach our children from an early age to understand that there is no such thing as neutrality in education.  All education is intrinsically religious, because in order to impart knowledge we must first decide what we know and how we know it.  The source of that definition tells who your god is – or who an institution’s god is.  There may be Christian teachers inside the system, but they do not have the freedom to change the nature of the system itself.

If this seems harsh, I recommend watching Indoctrination: Public Schools and the Decline of Christianity in America.

Q. How many kids have you had in diapers at once?  The DHM has shared she once had 3. I have had 3 for a while, as well, but 2 full-time, and 1 at night.

I’ve had it easy.  If you count nighttime, I almost had 3 in diapers at one point, but have never actually had more than 2.  I’ve also never had one baby potty trained before the next came along, so I’ve been doing diapers constantly for almost 19 years – not to mention helping with my siblings’ diapers for about 11 years before that.

My older children help a lot with diapers now, but nevertheless I estimate that I have personally changed well over 40,000 diapers on my own children.  That’s most or all of the first 6 children, plus half of the last 4 children, based on potty training at 28 months, nighttime dryness at 3yo, and a very conservative estimate of 6 diapers/day – accurate for a toddler or an older baby, but very low for a younger baby.  We could probably bump the guess to 50,000 and still be in safe territory.

Q.  How do you handle a child screaming/yelling NO! after being disciplined?! (spanked) Spank more or wait for “sincere” restitution?

The 4 Moms have posted in the past about parenting styles, and you might find it helpful to have several viewpoints on the subject, but here is my reaction to the specific situation you described: Yelling “NO!” sounds like outright rebellion and a sure indication that you are not done disciplining yet.  That doesn’t necessarily mean more swats (though it certainly could) but the goal of discipline is repentance and reconciliation, and it’s clear that we aren’t there yet if our children are angry.

But anger can have more than one cause, and it helps to get at the root of it.

If a child is angry, often they feel that the discipline was unwarranted or undeserved.  It may be helpful to review their sin and why they are being corrected.  Do they understand how they violated God’s law, and a parent’s duty to raise up children in the fear and admonition of the Lord?  Do they understand that they didn’t simply make you mad; they disobeyed God when He said, “Honor thy parents” (or whatever commandment they broke)?

They also need to understand forgiveness.  Depending on the circumstances, hardness often disappears when they are required to go to the one they offended and ask forgiveness.  Sometimes an angry attitude comes from believing that others are angry at them.

If you are dealing with a very young one, the rules are still the same though the reasoning may need to be taken down a level.  I might tell a recalcitrant toddler, “Don’t be mad at Mom.  You obey.”  Then I might follow up with another swat if I still see a bad attitude.

Every child is different, and I can’t begin to tell you how to discipline yours, of course – and again, not all discipline is spanking.  The goal is to shepherd their hearts, not just achieve outward compliance, and for that they must be on the same page with you.  Anger means they are not.

Here’s what the other 3 moms say:

• Connie at Smockity Frocks
• Headmistress @  The Common Room
• Kimberly @ Raising Olives

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• April 26 - Homeschooling through chronic illness and pregnancy

Recent topics:

• April 12 - 4 Moms: Tithing and saving on one income
• April 5 - 4 Moms: finding time/ideas for blogging
• March 29 - 4 Moms: Making Time to Manage the Budget
• March 22 - 4 Moms Q&A: Shoes for 12, snack rules, doing it all

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

It’s time to take questions from the audience again, and this time we opened up the floor on the 4 Moms 35 Kids facebook page.  Did you get a chance to ask your question?  Or maybe you’re here to help dispense some wisdom in the comments.  We certainly want all the help we can get!

Q. Ashlee and Cindee want to know about shoes.

Can you hear my guilty giggles?  I used to be the sort of person who took pride in owning just 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.  Now that I have 4 teen daughters, my own collection has somehow grown to 12 pairs, and I still need some black sandals and a pair of Ropers.  I’m not sure how or why I need that many, but I blame my daughters.  We have a shoe problem, and it’s contagious.

The kids?  I’m not even going to count how many shoes they have.  The teen girls struggle to keep it between 10 and 20 pairs each.  I won’t tell you who has 10 and who has 20, but they probably will if you ask.  The younger ones who don’t buy their own shoes yet usually have one pair of boots plus 2 or 3 other pairs of shoe.  We’re in Texas; the boots are a given.  For some people, 3 pairs of boots are the bare minimum.

For shoe storage and organization, we are loving our Closetmaid stackable shelves which coordinate perfectly with the Closetmaid Cubeicals we use for clothes and personal items.

My shoes take up relatively little room.  Oh, except the 3 pairs of boots that don’t fit on the shelf.

Perry’s shoes may be bigger but they really don’t a lot of space either.  That’s mainly because most of them are usually under the kitchen table.

The 4 youngest have their clothes and shoes in my bedroom, so that the older kids can’t blame them for the landfill in their bedroom.  Each child has one shelf here, with a fabric bin for socks either on the shelf or with their cubbies in the compartment below the shoe shelves.  Three of these four kids also own a pair of boots, which are kept in a cubbie below.

And the big girls.  What you see in the photo below is just the tip of the iceberg.  Deanna’s shoes are in a separate shoe holder that hangs over the door – at least some of them.  Many of the shoes are away in Georgia with their owners this week.  And I purposely cropped out the heap of boots on the floor. I just couldn’t be that honest all at once in front of this many people.  I have my limits, friends.

Shoes?  We’ve got ‘em.

Q. Trisha asked, “How do you regulate snacks/treats? My kids are constantly begging!”

When all my kids were little, I used to have a regimented schedule.  We had an early breakfast, a 10:00 snack, lunch precisely at noon, a 4:00 post-nap snack, and dinner at a reasonable hour.

Now that I have 6 cooks in the house and hubby is gone from 7 to 7, our feeding schedule looks different.  Breakfast is often more like brunch: late and hearty.  No morning snack is necessary.  Lunch happens when 2 or more people start begging for food.

Between meals, older people help themselves to snacks within approved guidelines (no meat, for example, and ask before seconds on fruit – did you eat a real breakfast/lunch?)  Little people get a hearty snack when they wake up from naps, because dinner happens now at 7.  If it’s any earlier, Dad doesn’t stand a chance of eating with us during the week.

If younger ones are begging for snacks at unexpected times, I have a few questions before I start doling out the goodies.  ”Did you finish your breakfast/lunch?  Were you full?  Did you ask for seconds if you were still hungry?” Depending on the answers and exactly what snack they are begging for, they might get what they want – or they might get a glass of milk and a peanut butter roll-up.

I’m not a snack nazi, but I do try to make sure they are not turning their noses up at meals and then begging for cookies 20 minutes later.

Q. Straightened Path is wondering, “Since the title “4 Moms, 35+ Kids” was coined, how many “+ kids” have arrived?”

3 of us were pregnant when we started, so 32 of those children were originally on the outside.  Of course the other 3 arrived nearly 2 years ago and we now have 2 more on the inside, bringing the total to 37.  The Headmistress also has 2 godsons who spend a lot of time at her home but were not included in the official original count, and I believe she now has 3 grandchildren.  Do they count?  If we count everyone, our total is 42!

Q. From Lisa: How do you do it all? Bake, teach, write? I only have 6…3 teens and 3 littles. I feel like we work all the time, yet I still feel under the gun constantly! Help!

Lisa,  I don’t do it all, and I never did.  It’s a trade-off.  When I bake, I don’t teach or write.  When I teach, I don’t write.  When I write, I don’t do anything else.  I generally wish I could do more of everything, but when I had less big people and more littles, I did less of all 3.  I haven’t done much in the way of gardening since ’95.

We prioritize, alloting time to the things that are important to us and our families.  Ideally, we spend more time on the things that are more important and less time on the things that matter less.  In reality, I often find myself spending too much time on the things that please me most with little heed for the things that please God most.

When you have a hundred great ideas for worthy projects and ways to spend time, it’s not always a matter of making good use of your time.  You mentioned that you work hard.  Sometimes you just have to identify the current goal(s) and let the others wait.  Those projects will still be there if and when they make it to the top of the list.  If some never make it to the top, don’t sweat it.  In all labor, there is profit. God is pleased when we do our best for Him, even when we don’t mark off every item on our To Do List.

Check out the other moms’ Q&A posts this week:

• Common Room on pantry, simplifying and shoes
• Raising Olives on courtship, dating and purity
• Smockity Frocks on snacks, pantry and shoes

Do you have a question?  Watch for your chance to ask on Facebook, or ask here and I’ll try to remember to check before next month’s Q&A.  ;)

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• March 29 – Making time to manage the budget
• April 5 - Do you plan out blog posts? How do you manage blog time?

Recent topics:

• March 15 - 4 Moms try to save keepsakes without being killed in an avalanche
• March 8 - 4 Moms serve dinner for 50 cents/person {linky}
• March 1 - 4 Moms: teaching our children to write
• February 23 - 4 Moms Q&A

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

It’s the 4th Thursday of the month, and that’s the one where we 4 Moms bare our souls and our linen closets as we answer your questions about what really goes on in our heads, our hearts, and our homes.  Because I can’t seem to keep track of questions from month to month or even week to week, I’ve been asking what you want to know on Facebook the day before our Q&A posts.  Here are the questions I received.

Brianah Dodson asks, “What did your day look like when you had all littles? I have a one year old & two year old and I can’t seem to get much done during the day.”

Brianah, they were definitely busy times.  I have a dim recollection of the days blending together into one endless laundry/cooking/diaper-changing session.  My children remember far more about that time period than I do, probably because I lived in a constant state of sleep deprivation.  But they remember fun times, good times, loving family times and crazy sister times, and I’m glad to rely on their memories to replace what I have forgotten!

I wrote a little about what our days looked like back then in For Tired Young Mothers of Many.  Life With Littles was written to help and encourage those who are still in the trenches.  Maybe you’ll find some encouragement in them during this busy season of your life!

Savannah Perkins-Berniquez wonders,  ”in what ways do your husbands help with homeschooling?”

Over the years, the way that Perry is involved in homeschooling has changed many times.  Sometimes he actually sat at the table and taught a subject.  Other times, he provided accountability outside of me by inquiring directly with the children or asking to see their work – “Did you do your math today?  Let’s see your writing.”  His love of history and grasp of the big picture has played a heavy part in developing theirs.  He often assigns books on various topics for the older girls to read, usually requiring a written report with each one.

I think the point isn’t really the specifics of what he does, but the fact that he is an interested, involved party in the process.  He realizes that he has a stake in what happens and is ultimately responsible for the education of the children even if the greatest portion of the daily job is delegated to me – or directly to the children as they get older.

More important than which subject(s) he teaches is the fact that he keeps our collective eye on the goal: he helps us remember the ultimate goal of Christian education so we all know what direction we’re heading.

Lori Dunn Browning says, “I have one that has come up recently at our house: what do you do [if] the bigs are burnt out on being happy helpers? I can see how this situation gets easier the more bigs you have, but right now I only have 2, & I feel like I ask a lot of them. They are always helpful but I also want them to have time to just be kids.”

Lori, I think this is a tricky question with two very important parts.

First, I think we moms need to let go of the guilt.  We all agree that it’s wonderful to play together as a family, but we feel guilty about requiring our children to work.  Society tells us that we are robbing our little ones of their childhood if we don’t let them spend their days in play, but what is society producing?  30 year old children who live in their parents’ basement, filling their days with video games.  There’s something horribly wrong with this picture.  That doesn’t mean our children’s lives should be full of never-ending chores with no time to play, but we are supposed to be training our children for adulthood, and it’s a big job.  They don’t need to practice at childishness; that part comes naturally.  We need to help them grow up and out of that childishness.  Work is an indispensable tool in that process.

Second, I think it’s important to use that tool properly.  Just making children work more will not create a good attitude or work ethic in them.  We want to teach our children that work is a good thing, not a drudgery.  We may not always enjoy it, but the Bible teaches us that in all labor there is profit.  Our children are more likely to be happy helpers if we are working along with them rather than watching from the sidelines (guilty!).  They also need to see us working joyfully.  In short, we need to set the sort of example we want them to follow: diligent work with a good attitude.  And a little reward for a job well done isn’t a bad idea…

Maryjo Jones Miller wants to know, “now that you have older girls how do you and your husband handle them dating?”

Maryjo, Perry and I only recently started dating.  ;)

Seriously, we don’t plan for our children to participate in “normal” dating because God holds us responsible for our daughter’s purity.  But don’t jump to the conclusion that our children are doomed to a lonely and celibate existence.  Our children – including our teen daughters – have healthy friendships with people of all ages, including more than a few members of the opposite sex.  They interact frequently in various group settings, never far from adults who know them.

When it comes to one-on-one dating, we think this should be reserved for engaged couples, and even then it’s hardly “normal”: they will do 99% of their interacting in a church or family setting, i.e. in and among people who know them.  On the rare occasion when they go somewhere else, they will take a chaperon with them.

I love Voddie Baucham’s thoughts on dating.

Elizabeth took a chance and emailed her question: I was wondering what you are planning on doing as far as a high school diploma?  Our state allows Home Schoolers to make out their own diploma and we seem to have had no trouble with that being accepted.  Is that what you plan on doing as well?

Elizabeth, we’ll make our own.  There are plenty of ways to print out a diploma, and as a homeschool graduate I have *never* been asked to present my diploma anyway, nor have any of our friends run into problems – even when enrolling their children in various colleges and universities.  The more widespread homeschooling becomes, the less these questions matter as others become accustomed to working with homeschoolers.

The other moms are trying to satisfy your curiosity too:

• Smockity Frocks
• Common Room
• Raising Olives

Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• February 2 - Scriptures and/or stories we rely on for comfort/encouragement as a homeschooling family

Recent topics:

• January 12 – 4 Moms: snacks and appetizers for a crowd {linky}
  
• January 7 - 4 Moms: Teaching grammar
  
• December 15 - 4 Moms: Gift shopping for a crowd
• December 8 - 4 Moms’ favorite holiday recipes {linky}

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

Welcome to this edition of 4 Moms, 35 Kids. For the 4th Thursday of every month we’ll be answering questions from our readers.  Fortunately I have a big backlog of unanswered questions to kick it off.

Check out the other moms’ Q&A sessions here:

Big Family FAQ

1. How do you deal with picky eaters?

I don’t believe in picky eaters.  Like fairies, if you don’t believe in them they cease to exist.  Well, maybe it’s not quite that straightforward.  I blogged about how we trained our children to graciously eat what is put before them: 10 Ways to Avoid Raising a Picky Eater.

2. Susanna Wesley threw her apron over her head. What do you do to get a quiet minute?

I announce that I need some quiet time.  If others are feeling the same way, we turn off the music, put the little ones down for a nap, and have some household quiet time.  Anyone who is not sleepy can sit and read silently.

If that’s not practical at the moment, I go to my room and close the door, sometimes accompanied by one young child or a hungry infant.  This is how I often do my Bible reading – the young’un knows that he/she must sit and listen quietly (I’ll read aloud for their sake) or get the boot.

Since the children don’t have the luxury of escaping alone to their bedroom, my room is often used by others for the same purpose.  We live on 5 acres in the country so obviously there are other quiet places, but it’s not uncommon for one or more older children to do their math or Bible reading in my room or simply slip in there for a quiet reading place during their free time.

3. What skills and character traits you would have worked harder to develop in your single years if you knew then what you know now?

Oh my!  There’s a good question!  I feel that I was well prepared in the basic mechanics of running a house: I could cook and clean, change a diaper, and balance a checkbook.

There are many areas in which I fall short, but one in particular comes to mind: I think I was (and am) weak on the idea of service.  My mom modeled a servant’s heart – I don’t want to impugn her example – but I was slow to pick up on the lesson, and I still have a hard time seeing the needs around me.  I do my job – my own job, and expect the same of others.

If others help me, I am grateful but oh-so-slow to return the favor because I haven’t learned yet to see the opportunities around me.  It’s not that I don’t want to help, but I simply don’t think to offer and can’t think of what to offer.

I wish I had learned this skill earlier in life, because service to others is an important part of the Proverbs 31 wife.  It’s one way we show our love for God: by loving the people bearing His image.

4. At some point if you had any fears about having more, how did God allay those fears? Any specifics, or did the fear just sort of go away?

The hardest time for me was when we had 4 children, 4yo and under.  I was struggling from day to day, just trying to keep them fed and dressed.  They couldn’t even find their own shoes, let alone tie them!  They couldn’t brush their hair, or make a PB&J.  Perry was working and gone very long hours, and I had to do it all.

I simply couldn’t imagine how we could add another child to the mix.

Finally I had a light bulb moment.  If and when God gave us another child, assuming she arrived on schedule with the standard 19 month spacing we were experiencing, we wouldn’t be adding another child to the current mix.  We wouldn’t have 5 children, 4yo and under.

By the time that next baby arrived, everyone would have moved up a notch.  We would have 5 children, 6yo and under.  We would have our current mix plus a 6yo.  This was the tipping point.  This was when things would begin to get better!

Of course there were other considerations. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.  We know that God will never try us beyond what we can bear. I knew these things, but somehow I found it heartening in this circumstance to realize that I wasn’t waiting on mysterious strength to appear within my quivering frame.  I could see and understand how God would help me.  My children would grow and mature, and I would be reaping some fruit from our orchard by then.  There was a light at the end of tunnel, and I could see it.

5. How much time does your mind/soul/body require “away” from the kids? And do you ever feel burnt out? – Have you noticed a pattern (i.e. being at a certain stage of pregnancy, or babyhood, or potty training, or schooling…to cause this)

Do I ever feel burnt out?  Yes.  I sometimes find myself feeling stressed by everyday life, neverending commotion, syrup spilled in the cabinet again. Who left the sugar bowl where the baby could get it?!   I am gradually learning what triggers these feelings for me:

1. Selfishness.  It’s a strange fact of life that the more time I get to myself, the more I want.  If I begin to feel smothered, stressed or overwhelmed, I have found that it’s time to take a hard look at how much free time I’ve had lately and how I’m using my time.  If I self-consciously bury myself in my role as wife and mother, I often find that I quickly feel better.
2. Neglect. That may sound harsh, but 2 things that make me feel burnt out, stressed out and generally overwhelmed are a messy house and children that are needy and unruly.  When my house is a mess and my children are misbehaving or otherwise demanding my attention, there’s a good chance that I’ve been neglecting my duties.
3. Pregnancy.  Like the nesting instinct that drives some of us to clean frantically, I feel a need for some quiet and solitude during my third trimester.  I don’t know if this is a good thing, but I do know that I tend to spend much more time in my room during the last weeks of pregnancy and it’s not just because I need the rest.
4. Stress. Stress from any source tends to make me more prone to stress in my role at home.  Sick family member, hubby having trouble at work, car trouble, money trouble, too many outside obligations…they all conspire to ruin my attitude.  When troubles surround me, I need to remember to rely on God rather than fretting over problems that are not mine to solve.

6. Do you have any tips on making it through morning sickness?

I had severe morning sickness for my first 5 pregnancies and occasionally for the later ones.  I found that I had to prioritize and let certain standards slide: Mac-n-cheese from a box for dinner for 4 nights/week won’t kill anybody (at least not right away).  Kids don’t need baths every night, especially if they play in the hose or pool all day.  School doesn’t have to be formal every day – there are many ways that children can learn.

Most common remedies took the edge off my nausea, while others had no discernible effect.  The ones that did seem to help lost their efficacy after a few weeks so I had to keep trying new things.  Lemon juice straight from the bottle helped, as did cinnamon altoids.  Small frequent protein snacks sometimes helped and sometimes came right back up.

One remedy that worked like magic for me, though I’ve only tried it with my most recent pregnancy, is beans.  Yes, beans cured my morning sickness.  I know it sounds gross, but try it.  Anything that stays down begins to sound much better than you might expect.

If all else fails, time is on your side.  Morning sickness can’t last more than 9 months, and is usually much less.  Like the pains of labor and childbirth, it’s a small price to pay in the scope of eternity.

If you have a question that you’d like me to consider for a future post like this, leave it in the comments.

Next week’s 4 Moms topic: How we find individual time with our husbands without spending money