It’s the 4th Thursday of the month, and that’s the one where we 4 Moms bare our souls and our linen closets as we answer your questions about what really goes on in our heads, our hearts, and our homes.  Because I can’t seem to keep track of questions from month to month or even week to week, I’ve been asking what you want to know on Facebook the day before our Q&A posts.  Here are the questions I received.

Brianah Dodson asks, “What did your day look like when you had all littles? I have a one year old & two year old and I can’t seem to get much done during the day.”

Brianah, they were definitely busy times.  I have a dim recollection of the days blending together into one endless laundry/cooking/diaper-changing session.  My children remember far more about that time period than I do, probably because I lived in a constant state of sleep deprivation.  But they remember fun times, good times, loving family times and crazy sister times, and I’m glad to rely on their memories to replace what I have forgotten!

I wrote a little about what our days looked like back then in For Tired Young Mothers of Many.  Life With Littles was written to help and encourage those who are still in the trenches.  Maybe you’ll find some encouragement in them during this busy season of your life!

Savannah Perkins-Berniquez wonders,  ”in what ways do your husbands help with homeschooling?”

Over the years, the way that Perry is involved in homeschooling has changed many times.  Sometimes he actually sat at the table and taught a subject.  Other times, he provided accountability outside of me by inquiring directly with the children or asking to see their work – “Did you do your math today?  Let’s see your writing.”  His love of history and grasp of the big picture has played a heavy part in developing theirs.  He often assigns books on various topics for the older girls to read, usually requiring a written report with each one.

I think the point isn’t really the specifics of what he does, but the fact that he is an interested, involved party in the process.  He realizes that he has a stake in what happens and is ultimately responsible for the education of the children even if the greatest portion of the daily job is delegated to me – or directly to the children as they get older.

More important than which subject(s) he teaches is the fact that he keeps our collective eye on the goal: he helps us remember the ultimate goal of Christian education so we all know what direction we’re heading.

Lori Dunn Browning says, “I have one that has come up recently at our house: what do you do [if] the bigs are burnt out on being happy helpers? I can see how this situation gets easier the more bigs you have, but right now I only have 2, & I feel like I ask a lot of them. They are always helpful but I also want them to have time to just be kids.”

Lori, I think this is a tricky question with two very important parts.

First, I think we moms need to let go of the guilt.  We all agree that it’s wonderful to play together as a family, but we feel guilty about requiring our children to work.  Society tells us that we are robbing our little ones of their childhood if we don’t let them spend their days in play, but what is society producing?  30 year old children who live in their parents’ basement, filling their days with video games.  There’s something horribly wrong with this picture.  That doesn’t mean our children’s lives should be full of never-ending chores with no time to play, but we are supposed to be training our children for adulthood, and it’s a big job.  They don’t need to practice at childishness; that part comes naturally.  We need to help them grow up and out of that childishness.  Work is an indispensable tool in that process.

Second, I think it’s important to use that tool properly.  Just making children work more will not create a good attitude or work ethic in them.  We want to teach our children that work is a good thing, not a drudgery.  We may not always enjoy it, but the Bible teaches us that in all labor there is profit.  Our children are more likely to be happy helpers if we are working along with them rather than watching from the sidelines (guilty!).  They also need to see us working joyfully.  In short, we need to set the sort of example we want them to follow: diligent work with a good attitude.  And a little reward for a job well done isn’t a bad idea…

Maryjo Jones Miller wants to know, “now that you have older girls how do you and your husband handle them dating?”

Maryjo, Perry and I only recently started dating.  ;)

Seriously, we don’t plan for our children to participate in “normal” dating because God holds us responsible for our daughter’s purity.  But don’t jump to the conclusion that our children are doomed to a lonely and celibate existence.  Our children – including our teen daughters – have healthy friendships with people of all ages, including more than a few members of the opposite sex.  They interact frequently in various group settings, never far from adults who know them.

When it comes to one-on-one dating, we think this should be reserved for engaged couples, and even then it’s hardly “normal”: they will do 99% of their interacting in a church or family setting, i.e. in and among people who know them.  On the rare occasion when they go somewhere else, they will take a chaperon with them.

I love Voddie Baucham’s thoughts on dating.

Elizabeth took a chance and emailed her question: I was wondering what you are planning on doing as far as a high school diploma?  Our state allows Home Schoolers to make out their own diploma and we seem to have had no trouble with that being accepted.  Is that what you plan on doing as well?

Elizabeth, we’ll make our own.  There are plenty of ways to print out a diploma, and as a homeschool graduate I have *never* been asked to present my diploma anyway, nor have any of our friends run into problems – even when enrolling their children in various colleges and universities.  The more widespread homeschooling becomes, the less these questions matter as others become accustomed to working with homeschoolers.

The other moms are trying to satisfy your curiosity too:

• Smockity Frocks
• Common Room
• Raising Olives

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Upcoming topics for 4 Moms:

• February 2 - Scriptures and/or stories we rely on for comfort/encouragement as a homeschooling family

Recent topics:

• January 12 – 4 Moms: snacks and appetizers for a crowd {linky}
  
• January 7 - 4 Moms: Teaching grammar
  
• December 15 - 4 Moms: Gift shopping for a crowd
• December 8 - 4 Moms’ favorite holiday recipes {linky}

About 4 Moms, including a complete list of all past topics

Welcome to this edition of 4 Moms, 35 Kids. For the 4th Thursday of every month we’ll be answering questions from our readers.  Fortunately I have a big backlog of unanswered questions to kick it off.

Check out the other moms’ Q&A sessions here:

DeputyHeadmistress @ The Common Room

Kimberly@Raising Olives

Connie @ Smockity Frocks

Big Family FAQ

1. How do you deal with picky eaters?

I don’t believe in picky eaters.  Like fairies, if you don’t believe in them they cease to exist.  Well, maybe it’s not quite that straightforward.  I blogged about how we trained our children to graciously eat what is put before them: 10 Ways to Avoid Raising a Picky Eater.

2. Susanna Wesley threw her apron over her head. What do you do to get a quiet minute?

I announce that I need some quiet time.  If others are feeling the same way, we turn off the music, put the little ones down for a nap, and have some household quiet time.  Anyone who is not sleepy can sit and read silently.

If that’s not practical at the moment, I go to my room and close the door, sometimes accompanied by one young child or a hungry infant.  This is how I often do my Bible reading – the young’un knows that he/she must sit and listen quietly (I’ll read aloud for their sake) or get the boot.

Since the children don’t have the luxury of escaping alone to their bedroom, my room is often used by others for the same purpose.  We live on 5 acres in the country so obviously there are other quiet places, but it’s not uncommon for one or more older children to do their math or Bible reading in my room or simply slip in there for a quiet reading place during their free time.

3. What skills and character traits you would have worked harder to develop in your single years if you knew then what you know now?

Oh my!  There’s a good question!  I feel that I was well prepared in the basic mechanics of running a house: I could cook and clean, change a diaper, and balance a checkbook.

There are many areas in which I fall short, but one in particular comes to mind: I think I was (and am) weak on the idea of service.  My mom modeled a servant’s heart – I don’t want to impugn her example – but I was slow to pick up on the lesson, and I still have a hard time seeing the needs around me.  I do my job – my own job, and expect the same of others.

If others help me, I am grateful but oh-so-slow to return the favor because I haven’t learned yet to see the opportunities around me.  It’s not that I don’t want to help, but I simply don’t think to offer and can’t think of what to offer.

I wish I had learned this skill earlier in life, because service to others is an important part of the Proverbs 31 wife.  It’s one way we show our love for God: by loving the people bearing His image.

4. At some point if you had any fears about having more, how did God allay those fears? Any specifics, or did the fear just sort of go away?

The hardest time for me was when we had 4 children, 4yo and under.  I was struggling from day to day, just trying to keep them fed and dressed.  They couldn’t even find their own shoes, let alone tie them!  They couldn’t brush their hair, or make a PB&J.  Perry was working and gone very long hours, and I had to do it all.

I simply couldn’t imagine how we could add another child to the mix.

Finally I had a light bulb moment.  If and when God gave us another child, assuming she arrived on schedule with the standard 19 month spacing we were experiencing, we wouldn’t be adding another child to the current mix.  We wouldn’t have 5 children, 4yo and under.

By the time that next baby arrived, everyone would have moved up a notch.  We would have 5 children, 6yo and under.  We would have our current mix plus a 6yo.  This was the tipping point.  This was when things would begin to get better!

Of course there were other considerations. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.  We know that God will never try us beyond what we can bear. I knew these things, but somehow I found it heartening in this circumstance to realize that I wasn’t waiting on mysterious strength to appear within my quivering frame.  I could see and understand how God would help me.  My children would grow and mature, and I would be reaping some fruit from our orchard by then.  There was a light at the end of tunnel, and I could see it.

5. How much time does your mind/soul/body require “away” from the kids? And do you ever feel burnt out? – Have you noticed a pattern (i.e. being at a certain stage of pregnancy, or babyhood, or potty training, or schooling…to cause this)

Do I ever feel burnt out?  Yes.  I sometimes find myself feeling stressed by everyday life, neverending commotion, syrup spilled in the cabinet again. Who left the sugar bowl where the baby could get it?!   I am gradually learning what triggers these feelings for me:

1. Selfishness.  It’s a strange fact of life that the more time I get to myself, the more I want.  If I begin to feel smothered, stressed or overwhelmed, I have found that it’s time to take a hard look at how much free time I’ve had lately and how I’m using my time.  If I self-consciously bury myself in my role as wife and mother, I often find that I quickly feel better.
2. Neglect. That may sound harsh, but 2 things that make me feel burnt out, stressed out and generally overwhelmed are a messy house and children that are needy and unruly.  When my house is a mess and my children are misbehaving or otherwise demanding my attention, there’s a good chance that I’ve been neglecting my duties.
3. Pregnancy.  Like the nesting instinct that drives some of us to clean frantically, I feel a need for some quiet and solitude during my third trimester.  I don’t know if this is a good thing, but I do know that I tend to spend much more time in my room during the last weeks of pregnancy and it’s not just because I need the rest.
4. Stress. Stress from any source tends to make me more prone to stress in my role at home.  Sick family member, hubby having trouble at work, car trouble, money trouble, too many outside obligations…they all conspire to ruin my attitude.  When troubles surround me, I need to remember to rely on God rather than fretting over problems that are not mine to solve.

6. Do you have any tips on making it through morning sickness?

I had severe morning sickness for my first 5 pregnancies and occasionally for the later ones.  I found that I had to prioritize and let certain standards slide: Mac-n-cheese from a box for dinner for 4 nights/week won’t kill anybody (at least not right away).  Kids don’t need baths every night, especially if they play in the hose or pool all day.  School doesn’t have to be formal every day – there are many ways that children can learn.

Most common remedies took the edge off my nausea, while others had no discernible effect.  The ones that did seem to help lost their efficacy after a few weeks so I had to keep trying new things.  Lemon juice straight from the bottle helped, as did cinnamon altoids.  Small frequent protein snacks sometimes helped and sometimes came right back up.

One remedy that worked like magic for me, though I’ve only tried it with my most recent pregnancy, is beans.  Yes, beans cured my morning sickness.  I know it sounds gross, but try it.  Anything that stays down begins to sound much better than you might expect.

If all else fails, time is on your side.  Morning sickness can’t last more than 9 months, and is usually much less.  Like the pains of labor and childbirth, it’s a small price to pay in the scope of eternity.

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I’d love to hear your take on any or all of these questions.  Speak up in the comments, or post your answers on your blog and leave a link here.

If you have a question that you’d like me to consider for a future post like this, leave it in the comments.

Next week’s 4 Moms topic: How we find individual time with our husbands without spending money